Money, it’s a crime

Urgh OK money is the bane of my existence I swear.  I’m good with it, I work carefully and budget and stuff, but I do have times where I spend it like I have an inexhaustible amount of it.  Which clearly I don’t.  Seeing as though I haven’t had a raise or anything in the past couple of years, things can get a bit hairy at times with everything going up and my salary staying the same.  Anyhoo it is what it is and I always make a plan don’t I.

I seriously can’t wait to receive my course material, I will be learning subjects like Economics and Financial accounting so I will be über clever (more than I already am).  I will know how to work with money, even though I don’t have any.  Which helps in a roundabout way right.   My goal in life is to be debt free and off the grid and at the moment the only thing I am achieving is winding myself up tighter into the system which I know doesn’t work *sigh* rather counter productive but all in the name of a greater goal.  Just have to keep focused.  It will of course help to win the lotto or receive a large donation of cash from someone that find themselves within the 1% of the world population that has an abundance of it or maybe when the system collapses it will all work out.  But for now I am just forward marching.  Just have to focus on needs and not wants for the time being.  And not buy things like shoes and corsets.  The kids still need a few items of clothing, but that is a need.

We live in such an illusion don’t we…

I don’t know anything

I’m not even going to pretend that I’m feeling all chipper and shit today.  I am partly hormonal and I’m having trouble identifying the irrational feelings from the actual ones from myself and the people around me.  Not sure what’s real.  So far this morning I have cried for no particular reason, just because it was too much.  I was also being a snap dragon.  And now I’m just keeping to myself, quietly sitting in my office.

My brain is running endless loops of imaginary scenarios that I would rather not be imagining though my head.  Which really isn’t helping the impending feeling of doom that I’m wearing so well today.  I would rather pretend that everything is just peachy.  Which would go a lot better if I didn’t leave the gate to the back of my mind open, the crazies are in the front yard running amok.

I do know one thing with absolute certainty though and that is that I know nothing.  We think we know shit.  But every situation you go into, you’ve obviously never been in before, is unique, you can’t know.  So we know nothing.  You can do or act in ways that you have in the past (how did that work out for you before?) or you can go with the flow, think up new ways of doing things.  But the bottom line is, we know nothing.  Life, we can only be and do what we feel is right at any given moment.  Because everything is a matter of opinion.  I may think I am proper, I live according to what I feel a proper human being is.  But someone else’s opinion on what a proper human being is, is completely different from mine.  And it doesn’t matter how much we try, other people are gonna do what they are gonna do.  This is where radical acceptance comes in.  Or you can just spend your life angry and fight a losing battle.  Speaking of which….life is a losing battle.  We are all going to die in the end.  There are no extra lives for good behaviour.

So on that seemingly negative note.  What are we to do.  Do we give up.  Behave like assholes because we can.  Do we not love someone because they may leave us and break our hearts.  Do we destroy the planet and each other because it’s all going for the dogs anyway.  What do we do?  Well, what do you want to do.  It’s up to you.  You can carpe the fucking diem and live the shit out of life.  Or you can make yourself miserable, you can be an asshole and not care.  Really you can.  You can do whatever you feel is right.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  It’s fucked up to say things like forever.  So I figure, just live, love the ones you love today because you can, because they are there and you both want to, don’t fuck it up because of a clear lack of knowing how to from the past or an unclear future.  You have today, make it count.  Let things go, that fucking asshole that cut you off in traffic, he is not your version of proper, don’t let it upset you to the point of anger.  He doesn’t care, neither should you.  You do what you feel you can live with.  The government, the banks, the oil giants, the mines, capitalism all the systems that are wrong, the ones who destroy the earth, exploit nature, animals and other humans.  It’s a lot, it’s a big system to fight, and you will feel frustrated and like giving up.  So what can you do.  You can do what you can do, you can be a responsible consumer, you can live your version as much as you can of being proper.  That’s what you can do.  You can do what you can do.  Or not.  Your choice.  You are responsible for yourself and the consequences of your choices.  That’s your challenge as a human being.  Take responsibility for yourself, for your life.  It’s in your power to try something different if it doesn’t work.

If you are down to your core, spring in your step happy.  Then continue what you are doing.  But if you are not.  It’s on you.  Change something.  Or be miserable.  It’s on you.