Christ! I have become one of those people. Those annoyingly upbeat ones who always finds the positive in the shittiest situations, who believe that yes, there is always good in everything and that (gags) everything will be ok. OK well right at this point I don’t very much look and feel upbeat, but you get my drift. I have tried really hard to just give up, really I have, I even had a complete freaking mini meltdown and everything. But then last night standing in the shower (don’t you also do your best thinking in the shower?) I realized/decided that I don’t want to feel this way. And that I have always practiced what I preach, so why am I not doing it now. I am choosing to feel topsy turvy so I can surely unchoose it. The things that are going on for me now are (rolls eyes at self) gifts. And I can work with them. Some things will take longer than others, but I can’t just bury everything and pretend like it doesn’t exist. I have to stop being so hard on myself, I have to learn to let go more. It’s a process. There’s a lot of figuring out to do, decisions to be made. Leaps to be taken. One day at a time. One foot infront of the other. That’s all one can do.
And yes, goddammit, life I will take you, I will love you again. Bastard!