Technicolour life

The ego mind is a bastard.  As soon as one is happy and content it will find something to nag about.  It will pick and pick, like someone who obsessively picks at a scab until the scab comes off and it starts bleeding.  At the smell of blood all the scavengers will start circling and yelping, and if you give in to it you will quickly start spiralling down into your own personal, self made living hell.  That’s how the ego mind works.  In my opinion, I think this is what the bible means when it speaks about Hell.  It’s when we find ourselves in that dark place from which there is no escape, where we drive ourselves crazy with the assumptions we make and we allow our imaginations to conjure up awful scenarios instead of good ones.

The good news is that we can indeed control it.  If we are conscious and we can recognize what is ego mind bullshit and what is authentic and real.  It took me a long time to recognize and separate the wheat from the chaff.  And sometimes I still give in to it.  Call it a little self indulgent trip down pity me lane.  Sometimes I like to cradle my demons and nurse them and I find a certain pleasure in displaying their rotten carcasses and hauling all the skeletons out the closet.  I suppose there is some good in doing that too.  It gave me the opportunity to look at them in the light, closely examine them and to recognize that they are not real.  The trick comes in allowing them to turn to dust and not to conjure them up again when the ego mind starts picking.

We are not wired to be constant.  That is not what life is about.  Everything works in cycles, sometimes we are on an up-cycle and sometimes a down-cycle.  That’s life.  It’s how we manage our cycles that makes the difference.  It’s easy when we are in a happy place to smack the hand away of the ego mind that is picking.  It’s more difficult when we are not.  But the point is that we can.  Life is a constant learning school.  Every single thing that comes up for emotionally, every single person that triggers an emotion from us, is an opportunity to learn something.  And learning means moving forward.  And for me, learning and moving is what it’s all about.  To embrace life’s fluidity and go with the flow is what makes me feel alive.  To remain stagnant is death.  The process isn’t always comfortable but isn’t it better to feel something rather than feel nothing at all.  Isn’t it better to accept and embrace my nature, that of change than to be uncomfortable in trying to hold on to the past.

I believe that the infinity of the Universe also resides within me, that if everything is energy, every thought has an energetic vibration, there is nothing stopping me from accessing all the data that has even been or will ever be.  It’s just a question of keeping my vibrational level on the same frequency as the things I want to access.  Life is an amazing experience.  More amazing than what any of us could ever imagine.  Live in technicolour.

 

 

 

Letting go and other thoughts

Mrs Rautenbach and I met the other day for lunch to discuss our various woes and catch up.  I love talking to her, I always walk away with some insight.  One of the things we talked about is what she calls the chameleon effect, I called it something else but it all boils down to the same thing.  I shall explain shortly, let me give some context.

I don’t think of myself as a “controlling” person.  Not in the mean menacing way anyways.  But I am a bit of a controller.  I have been thinking about this a lot as part of the process to “LET GO”.  I try to do everything myself, handle everything myself, be everything for me and for everyone else.  It’s important for my sanity that all goes well in my world, for everyone to be happy.  So how do I try to achieve that, I attempt to control my little world, keep a tight reign on everything so that everything runs smoothly and nothing is out of place or out of kilter.  Including myself, I will often not say something or let situations go without saying anything because I don’t want to rock the proverbial boat.  It’s an exercise in futility of course because inevitably the Universe smacks the living daylights out of you to get you to let go.  I see that as being flexible and adapting easily but there is a fine line between being flexible and adaptable and allowing things and situations because you don’t want to upset anything or anyone.  This is what Mrs Rautenbach calls the chameleon effect.  Changing your “colours” to fit in with a situation.

So I’ve been very conscious of that and looking at areas of my life where I feel I need to control things to feel safe, not rock the boat and holding on instead of letting go.  I do rock letting go with some things, but other things not so much.  I’m getting there.  She also reminded me that this is a 2 year for me according to numerology, it’s my year of patience, letting go, allowing the process to happen.  It also says it’s a good year for love and relationships…*pffffft* whatever.  But while I’m on that subject…I get these monthly updates on where the Moon is at and what it all means etc.  I mention this because when I read it, it was totally relevant to what is going on in my world right now.  I am figuring all those things out and I have to settle my thoughts and not say one thing and believe another.  Conflicting signals to the Universe is never a good thing.  I kinda know what I want but it needs some more fine tuning and then I need to align what I say and what I feel.  I also need to start looking at myself differently.  Because I am so hard on myself, I think that is how the world also sees me.  And here I am in danger again of being hard on myself for being hard on myself.  I am comfortable with me, the way I am, I know my faults and I know my strengths, I make damn sure I know myself really well.  My self confidence is a whole other story though, I make a good show of it, but on the inside I can be a little unsure of myself sometimes.  I have never thought of myself as particularly good looking, rather ordinary actually.  When I see photos of myself I have a similar experience to when you hear a recording of your voice, it doesn’t sound the same as the voice you hear.  That’s what happens to me when I look at photos of myself, I see someone I don’t identify with.  Weird huh.  That’s my next mission.  Which also brings me back to external validation, is it ok to sometimes get some external validation to give you that extra little boost that you need or should you be able to rock that shit completely on your own.  I have some thoughts on that already….but that I’ll leave for another time.

 

 

 

The Universe says: Let go

Sometimes life brings you messages from the most unlikely messengers.

About a year ago I lost my necklace.  A Citrine stone on a silver chain.  I used to wear it all the time, Citrine is an awesome stone with powerful properties.  I was of course miff when I couldn’t find it but I figured that the Universe needed it back and I put it out of my mind.  I never replaced it.

Last night at the Fat Olive, everyone from the conservancy meets up at the Olive religiously on a Wednesday and we have a big visit and catch up and we eat and talk.  It’s awesome, but I digress.  Last night at the Olive, somebody that I used to know walks up to me, holds out their hand and says “I have something for you with a message” I was a bit puzzled but I held out my hand and they put the necklace that I lost in it.  The message was “let go”.

Unlikely messenger.  Timely message given all that is going on right now.

Freaky shit.

Like I said, I have lots of figuring out to do…

All is not lost?
Let go.
That which belongs will find it’s way back?

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost,
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

~ J R R Tolkien

….who the fuck knows, I’m letting go mos…..