The red flower

I don’t hate.  I don’t like using that word, it’s an ugly, ugly word.  But seriously.  I hate it when the red flower is blooming.  For those of you who didn’t watch Game of Thrones.  When the red flower blooms is that time of the month.  Yes.  THAT time.  On the surface I’m a normal functioning 30 something year old.  But you would be wrong to assume that.  Because underneath I’m like a psycho ball of crazy just waiting for you to say something wrong so I can rip your head off and shove it up your ass.  Or burst into tears.  Or go and lie in the fetal position on my bed and stare blankly into space.  Or give you an extra dollop of love.  Obviously.

Okay but seriously.  It’s really awful.  My thoughts aren’t my own, they are irrational and erratic.  I go through the entire spectrum of emotions one can possibly have in a minute, now times that by however many minutes there are in a day and it’s a small wonder that I am not in the loony bin by the end of the time it takes for my uterus to stop throwing a tantrum.  I feel insecure and emo and a little bit agro.  For instance:  Everyone I love is going to leave me and forget about me, why gods why, ag fuck them anyway I don’t need anybody, back to nooooooo please don’t leave me.  So yes, as you can see, it’s a whole lot of fun in my head right now.

Besides that.  Life happens.  Shit needs to be sorted out, I have to perform at work, I have to be a Mom and everything.  I probably need a medal right around now for keeping it all together.  Because like I said, I do a grand job of making it look like I am fine.  I even remembered to buy toothpaste today.  So here’s to us woman.  We are awesome.  For living life, functioning and getting things done amid having a raging hormonal cocktail of crazy once a month without stabbing someone the eye with a fork.   And if all else fails and you collapse into a puddle of tears because the cat just threw up on your new rug, there’s always wine.

The simple things

I’m one of those people who can do anything.  I’m not boasting.  But really.  There is nothing I can’t do.  The only things I can’t do are the things I tell myself I can’t do, like put my shoes in the cupboard and stop thinking and feeling too much.   But I’m not sure if that counts because it’s just the way I am (except the shoes part – that I can actually do something about).  I do try.  I am also not afraid of anything.  Except one thing – living a life unfulfilled.  That frightens me.  Sometimes I feel my ship is really tiny and the world is really large.  And I panic.  I keep sailing, but I panic.  What if I am stuck in a job doing something that I don’t believe in, that doesn’t stimulate me for the best years of my life, what a waste that will be.  What if I don’t get to do all the things and see all the places that I want to.  I know those questions are a bit futile but I ask them.  And I panic.  I always say that what we think and feel is a choice.  And it is.  I work hard at being positive.  Sometimes I think I work a bit harder at it than other people.  But maybe it’s just because I am too hard on myself.  I want to be the best me that I can be.  I am the best me that I can be.  I do the best I can with what I have.  That doesn’t mean there is room for improvement but as we live we learn.

Sometimes I get tired of hanging on, of keeping on going.  But I don’t stop going and I don’t stop believing.  If we don’t believe that sometime, somewhere, something will change.  That if we just keep at it, we will get our break.  Then we may as well find a bridge.  I do get a bit mad and frustrated at times.  But like I said the other day, I have to believe that at the end of the day my life won’t be summed up in the phrase “we don’t always get what we want”.  If other people can get what they want, then surely I can too.  Can’t I?

I am luckier than most I suppose.  In living my life and doing things I often do get what I want.  I have amazing people in my life who sometimes just make things happen for me.  And that is amazing.  I get to live in an amazing place.  Laura and I do our market.  I get to have amazing experiences with people that I love.  That makes me luckier than most.  And I am grateful for that.  Without that to balance out my unfulfilling work life and my shoddy bank balance I would have a much harder time to keep on keeping on.  It helps that I don’t find fulfillment in the accumulation of things.  I would much rather have awesome experiences with awesome people.  That is what makes me happy.  That is what sustains me in this very large world.  Finding joy in the simple things in life.  Isn’t that what makes us rich…?

 

 

 

Take me out

Have you ever started something and as you start doing it your realize “what the actual fuck am I doing?!” but then it’s too late already and you’ve got to finish it?  Well I have.  This morning in fact.  I cut my fringe.  Yes.  Yes I did.  It was irritating 7 different kinds of shit out of me.  So when I did my hair this morning I promptly got up, took the scissors out the cupboard and freakin hacked it off.  But ja as I took the first snip I realized it wasn’t the best idea ever.  It doesn’t look completely shit, otherwise I would not have left the house.   I’m loving having longer hair again.  It grows pretty quickly luckily I can’t wait for it to be proper long again.

I’m quite excited today.  Even though it’s not my birthday it kinda feels like it is on account of my secret, not so secret birthday party.  Yay!  So I dressed up and everything.  Not that I need an excuse to dress up but you know.  I did.  My actual birthday is only on Sunday and I’m not going to get all dressed up on Sunday when I’m mooching around at home.  Also it’s only 2 sleeps then the kids come home.  It’s enough already now.

So yay.  Happy day in my world.

Have a fabulous day peeps ♥

Letters

Right now that I have dealt with this day I can breathe and move on.  It’s Chooseday!  And tomorrow is Wednesday, the day of my not so secret, secret birthday party.  Everyone is invited.  Well not everyone, you can only come if you were never married to me before, otherwise sorry you aren’t invited.  But back to the point.  It’s my secret, not so secret birthday party.  If you are wondering what the actual fuck a secret, not so secret birthday party is.  Well that’s what happens when your Mom wants to have a surprise party for you but she doesn’t know who to invite.  Then she tells you.  So tomorrow I’ll pretend I know nothing and act all surprised when I see you guys m’kay.  I’m looking forward to spend time with some of the awesome faces of the people I love.

Don’t you just love fetching post.  It’s something we rarely do anymore.  Well I get all my statements and stuff via email.  These days going to the postbox it’s mainly bills and junkmail.  Or on the odd occasion a notice to fetch a parcel.    I remember when I was a kid – in the time before email and the internet and mobile phones.  I used to write letters to the people far from me.  It was awesome.  Buying a writing pad of beautiful paper and matching envelopes.  Penning down in ink on paper the news, what happened and maybe that you miss them, in your handwriting.  Writing the address on the envelope, sticking on the stamps, walking to the postbox and depositing your hearts content on paper to someone far away.  I wrote letters to the people not so far away also.  I used to write lots of letters.  Even to my friends I saw every day.  To the ones I didn’t have to post I used to spend hours making the most awesome envelopes.  There just is something different about that don’t you think?  The anticipation of a return letter and at last receiving it, opening it, and reading it.  When last did you get a letter from someone in the mail?

Oh this has inspired me.  I think I’m going to write someone a letter and post it to them.  Like in the days of yore.  I always wanted to receive a love letter in the mail.  Some of the best poetry and writing have come from long distance longing LOL.  Although, as much as I think I would’ve like to live in the Victorian era, that would only have worked had I been the elite and I probably would’ve been shunned, I can’t imagine myself being all subservient and embroidering the whole day long.  Doesn’t matter which lifetime.

Have a happy Chooseday people.  I’m off to buy some paper, envelopes and stamps!

Life is good.

OK so another week has seen it’s arse.  It’s Friday and I’m spending the weekend with Cape Town.  My girl heart is happy.  Since he won’t be seeing me on my birthday I already got my presents – yay!  I do love getting presents, especially well thought out ones.  My Mom got me a curling iron.  And Cape Town combined the two things I loved the most – shoes and the farm.  What!?  You are thinking.  He got me *the* coolest pair of Wellies.  Like really they rock the set.  And also he’s paying for burlesque classes for me.  Yay!  The dude rocks.  But spending time with him still wins.

I’m looking forward to a weekend filled with awesome people and good times.

I have shopped way too much this month already eek.  Still don’t have a birthday outfit though, so I will have to skip that this year.  It’s not like I don’t have anything to wear.  I miss the kids.  Did I tell you guys that Christian was visited by the tooth mouse.  He says it’s a mouse not a fairy.  So the tooth mouse left money for him for his two teeth that came out at the same time.  He was super stoked.  It’s his first time.

From my blog posts it seems like I’m constantly in some emotional turmoil and I suppose I am in a way.  It’s just how I experience life.  Intensely.  That does not however mean that I’m not happy.  Because I am.  We are after all in charge of our own happiness.  And I like to choose happy.  I also choose not to dismiss or deny any other emotion I’m experiencing.  And being Cancerian and a woman, I do have loads of emotions.  But it’s all good.  Life is good.

I don’t know anything

I’m not even going to pretend that I’m feeling all chipper and shit today.  I am partly hormonal and I’m having trouble identifying the irrational feelings from the actual ones from myself and the people around me.  Not sure what’s real.  So far this morning I have cried for no particular reason, just because it was too much.  I was also being a snap dragon.  And now I’m just keeping to myself, quietly sitting in my office.

My brain is running endless loops of imaginary scenarios that I would rather not be imagining though my head.  Which really isn’t helping the impending feeling of doom that I’m wearing so well today.  I would rather pretend that everything is just peachy.  Which would go a lot better if I didn’t leave the gate to the back of my mind open, the crazies are in the front yard running amok.

I do know one thing with absolute certainty though and that is that I know nothing.  We think we know shit.  But every situation you go into, you’ve obviously never been in before, is unique, you can’t know.  So we know nothing.  You can do or act in ways that you have in the past (how did that work out for you before?) or you can go with the flow, think up new ways of doing things.  But the bottom line is, we know nothing.  Life, we can only be and do what we feel is right at any given moment.  Because everything is a matter of opinion.  I may think I am proper, I live according to what I feel a proper human being is.  But someone else’s opinion on what a proper human being is, is completely different from mine.  And it doesn’t matter how much we try, other people are gonna do what they are gonna do.  This is where radical acceptance comes in.  Or you can just spend your life angry and fight a losing battle.  Speaking of which….life is a losing battle.  We are all going to die in the end.  There are no extra lives for good behaviour.

So on that seemingly negative note.  What are we to do.  Do we give up.  Behave like assholes because we can.  Do we not love someone because they may leave us and break our hearts.  Do we destroy the planet and each other because it’s all going for the dogs anyway.  What do we do?  Well, what do you want to do.  It’s up to you.  You can carpe the fucking diem and live the shit out of life.  Or you can make yourself miserable, you can be an asshole and not care.  Really you can.  You can do whatever you feel is right.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  It’s fucked up to say things like forever.  So I figure, just live, love the ones you love today because you can, because they are there and you both want to, don’t fuck it up because of a clear lack of knowing how to from the past or an unclear future.  You have today, make it count.  Let things go, that fucking asshole that cut you off in traffic, he is not your version of proper, don’t let it upset you to the point of anger.  He doesn’t care, neither should you.  You do what you feel you can live with.  The government, the banks, the oil giants, the mines, capitalism all the systems that are wrong, the ones who destroy the earth, exploit nature, animals and other humans.  It’s a lot, it’s a big system to fight, and you will feel frustrated and like giving up.  So what can you do.  You can do what you can do, you can be a responsible consumer, you can live your version as much as you can of being proper.  That’s what you can do.  You can do what you can do.  Or not.  Your choice.  You are responsible for yourself and the consequences of your choices.  That’s your challenge as a human being.  Take responsibility for yourself, for your life.  It’s in your power to try something different if it doesn’t work.

If you are down to your core, spring in your step happy.  Then continue what you are doing.  But if you are not.  It’s on you.  Change something.  Or be miserable.  It’s on you.

I’m FINE!

It’s Friday.  Yay!  Note the sarcasm.  I’m not feeling very chipper today I must admit, nothing I can’t handle though.  Whatever.  It is what it is.  Everything is annoying me, breathing is annoying me.  But most of all I’m annoyed with myself for feeling this way.  Like seriously dude W.T.F.  Urgh.  Maybe I will just quietly sit here and brood in the dark side for a bit, get over myself and move on.  Someone send me some bunnies and sparkly shit and rainbows or something.

I hate to sound like a whiner.  And by whiner I don’t mean someone who drinks wine (would you like some cheese with your whine?), I mean someone who complains and moans about everything.  I don’t think I do.  But you know, one always has to be careful to never cross that line from sharing your neuroses into the land of whingey whiner.  The same thought pattern keeps on coming up for me.  So I work through it, am fine for a while and them bam it hits me again.  So clearly I need to take a critical look at why it keeps on coming up.  I am tired of playing the same reel over in my head.  Especially since I know it’s stuff that does not form part of my reality.  Seriously why did the gods make it so hard to just be?  It’s a simple concept and it looks great in theory.  But in practice, not so much.  It can be hard work.

I do the hard work though because the alternative is just not an option.  I have wasted enough time in my life on unnecessary unhappiness.  And the power to be and have everything I want lies in my hands.  So if I am not happy I have no-one to blame but myself.  And I refuse to allow past experiences to impact the now negatively.  I do not want to live that way.  It’s up to me to cherish every single happy moment I have and not allow the past to darken a single speck of it.  Because if you only look at the moment, before you know it, you have a whole string of happy moments.  Every little goes a long way to making lots.  I think so anyways.

Oh wait there’s someone at the door….

*special delivery*

Fantastic my fuzzy bunnies, sparkly shit and rainbows just arrived.  Toodles, have an awesome weekend peeps!

I’m a lucky girl

Not much to say today.  I’m just keeping my head down at the moment and carrying on.  Remember people, our next market is on the 23rd of June from 10:00 – 14:00.  You have to come!  It’s awesome.  Also, the Gluhwein at the Fat Olive – devine!  I had some at Olive night last night, very more’ish.

Can I just say that I have awesome kids!  Last night we got back home from the Olive just on bed time.  So they made a “deal” with me, they go straight to bed and then they will bath in the morning.  So I said ok, but remember, you have to then get up straight away when I wake you, no “just 5 more minutes”.  They agreed.  And I with some doubt in my head let them go to bed without bathing first.  But true to their word, when I went to wake them this morning, they both sat up straight away.  So sweet!  Christian says “Mommy, I remember what you said, we must wake up right away” awww.  Also, yesterday morning they for the 1ooth time pulled the same stunt with me, as soon as I want to leave, suddenly they have to run back in the house to fetch some forgotten item.  Now every morning when they have finished getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth, I say to them “Make sure you have everything you want to take with for school and after school” instead of getting their stuff ready, they go off to watch TV while they wait for me to finish up.  So after the last time I warned them about this, I warned them that the next time there will be consequences.

So now they have crossed the line and there has to be some consequence.  So I told them that because they didn’t get their stuff ready and watched TV instead, there will be no TV before school for the rest of the week.  They both accepted this consequence of their actions and understood why and what it was all about.  Admittedly I kinda forgot about it this morning and only remembered a while after they were sent off to get their stuff ready for school.  So I walk down the hallway expecting them to be in front of the telly.  But no.  Both of them got their stuff ready and was occupying themselves with another activity.  How awesome is that!?  I have awesome kids!  Hopefully they will have more fun doing other stuff and choose to rather do that instead of watching TV while waiting for us to leave home in the mornings.

 I am really thankful that I can give my kids the opportunity to grow up where we live.  Lots of space, fresh air, farm animals, a sense of community.  It’s really good for all of us.  They will learn to be kind to the earth and all the creatures on it.  They will learn what’s it like to care and look out for others.  They will learn what is really important in life and that it’s not all about how much stuff you have or get stuck in front of game consoles and unrestricted TV.  It’s awesome that I can give them all of that.

I am a lucky girl.