You know. When you get married you never think about the fact that you might get divorced. You are temporarily blinded and swept up in a haze of chemically induced madness called being in love. You don’t think that the person you are looking at with stars in your eyes and who you love the most could quite possibly turn out to be the very person who irritates you the most. That person who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with could very well turn out to be a verbally/emotionally and/or physically abusive asshole that likes to wear your underwear. You have no idea of knowing shit like that before you get married. So you get divorced.
When you don’t have children it’s quite easy in most cases to get rid of that person. You never have to deal with them or see them again. But when you have children it becomes a whole other ballgame. You are never rid of that person. And in most cases they will forevermore irritate the shit out of you and push your buttons. And there is no way around that. Because some people will still try and control you and use every opportunity they can get to tell you how shit you are and that yes, they do think they are holier than you. This is the reality of divorce with children. If your kids live with you, you try to keep their lives as stable as possible. You juggle life, finances, playing mom’s taxi and try to keep on top of everything to the best of your ability. Because for me at least, it’s important to also have a freaking life. And it’s not always easy. More often than not you sacrifice things you want to do or have for the sake of the family unit. You don’t get to go where you want to go whenever you want to, it takes planning. Most of the time spontaneity goes right out the door. Friendships suffer and some fall away, the dynamics of friendships change when friends get divorced. Because for all intents and purposes we are not a ‘family’ anymore. And I know on the weekends I don’t have kids I avoid “families” like the plague.
I am lucky that I, as a single mother, have a really solid support structure. So I do have some measure of flexibility. But for the most part, it’s me. The responsibility of raising my kids and providing for them lies with me. The fathers pay maintenance, and I’m sure some of them do what they can to give input and when their kids are with them to spend quality time with them. But you can’t put the two together and look at them equally. In reality some fathers have their kids every second weekend, that is only 7 days in a month. So they overcompensate, they take them places, buy them shit and let them do and eat whatever they want. While back at home (for me at least) I maintain routines, make sure they eat healthy and spend time with them and try and make sure their level of dysfunction won’t fall over to the extreme. Because you can look at it which ever way you want, if your family is divorced, it’s dysfunctional and there are always emotional issues attached to that. So the most you can do is damage control.
The last thing I need is for some sanctimonious holier than thou asshole sitting on their perch, living the life they want preaching to me about how I can do it better. Fuck you asshole, go fuck yourself. I do not need some asshole putting my kids under cross-questioning about what I’m doing, what’s going on in my house, who comes there etc. That is fucked up. That upsets the crap out of me. I know what that was like as a kid. If you want to know anything ask me, don’t go through my kids. They are too little to tell you to go fuck yourself, all that happens is that they feel torn and guilty. Think about that next time Dad’s. Have the fucking balls to do your own recon asking the other grown up, and if they have any backbone, they will tell you to go fuck yourself. Because you know what. When you get divorced, you have absolutely no control over your ex spouse anymore, fancy that. You do not get to tell them where they can go, what they can do and with who. And you do not get to use your children as pawns. It’s not their fault that you as a couple fucked up and decided to breed. So you do not get to make them pay for your sins. You leave them out of it. You keep your judgments about the other parent, which is just your opinion and doesn’t make it true, to yourself. You don’t discuss the other parent in front of the kids with your friends/parents/girlfriend. Do you have any idea what that does to a child? I know exactly what that does. So next time Dad’s when you find yourself feeling holier than thou. Shut the fuck up until the kids are gone. When they are gone, you can discuss your ex spouse to your hearts content to whomever wants to listen and judge as much as you want to. Because you know what, your ex spouse does not give a shit about your opinion and they can choose to let it affect them or not. But to a child, hearing one parent talk shit about another affects them and again, they did not choose the situation. So think about them instead of just yourself.
And the moral of the story kids – for fuck sakes if you really really want to get married, give it time. Don’t just jump into a marriage, there are repercussions that you can not imagine in the event that you do get divorced. If you are really set on getting married and you do, do not breed, for the love of God, the world does not need any more humans.