The End of the Beginning (Conclusion)

She awoke with a jolt when she was deposited back into her own bed from another dimension where she was visiting in the night.  Maybe it was just a dream, there’s no way of telling in this world.  She mentally checks herself and gets up to choose the time of day.  She decides upon the moment just before the sun rises over the horizon when the world is coloured in hope.  She gets a little annoyed with people who run their lives by their watches and complains that they never have time, but not everyone understands that you can make your own time if you want to. She pulls her jersey over her shoulders and goes to the kitchen to make tea and takes it outside to watch Hope rise with the sun.

She always sits on the big rock that juts out from the edge and hangs precariously over the sea.  Passing sailors often mistake her for a siren when they see her sitting there and her unsung song reaches their hearts.  Most of them get scared and they adjust their sails to make a wide berth around the island.  Some are fascinated and intrigued by her and the lighthouse, it’s a curiosity, and they try to dock in the bay.  The Kraken normally scares them off pretty quickly, the ones that get past the Kraken she allows on the island, but they never stay.  Lighthouses are fascinating to some like that, they want to visit but few want to stay in such a solitary place.  When the sun pops out over the horizon like a ball that was kept under water by a giant invisible hand, she paints the sky grey to suit her mood with storm clouds in the distance and calls up the wind.  Later today it will rain.

She knows today is the day.  She saw the raft in the bay.  She finishes her tea and goes back inside.  She rinses her mug and starts brewing his coffee, she knows the smell will wake him and bring him down to hug her.  The Kraken wails at the back door and she opens it to let him in, she strokes his tentacles affectionately before he crawls under her skin and folds himself around her insides.  “Hey” he greets from behind her.  “It seems like a miserable day” she turns and he folds her into his arms, he is warm and smells of dreams.  “It sure does” she says, “Coffee?” he lets her go and she turns to the counter to pour it for him.  They sit at the kitchen table in silence for a while.  “You know I am going today” he tells-asks her.  “Yes I know” her eyes are downcast and she is acutely aware of the wood grain in the table top and the sound of water dripping into the basin.  It sounds like a heartbeat, she is glad she packed her heart away in the suitcase with her tears.  The Kraken tightens his grip around her insides to keep her from spilling out onto the kitchen floor.  “I would stay if I could, you know that right?” “Yes” she answers quietly.  “I am leaving my Crow, if you want to talk to me whisper your words to him, he will find me and I will return your message with my words”.  She nods and smiles, “Okay”.  He takes her hand “I would like to stay, but I have to find my ship, I’m sorry”.  “Don’t be” she says “I understand”.  She gets up from the table “wait here, I have something for you” she runs upstairs and fetches the gift box from the top of the cupboard under the blankets where she hid it.

He is still sitting at the kitchen table when she gets to the foot of the stairs, he is staring out the window, she takes a snapshot of him sitting there, his profile was always so beautiful to her.  She will put it on the shelf with the other memories in the room she keeps locked later.  She goes to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and the gift on the table in front of him.  “Open it, it’s just something small” he loosens the ribbon, opens the box and folds away the paper inside “Gentle” she says “it’s breakable” he lifts the glass sphere out of the box, it is filled with light.  “What is it?” he asks “It’s a little bit of me, so you don’t forget to remember me.  If you break the glass it will go inside your heart.  You can keep it if you want it, I am not using it”.  He thanks her and puts it back in the box.   “I have to go now” he says as he gets up from the table.  He hugs her tight and strokes her hair, her face is buried in his chest, she holds on to him like someone who is about to fall.  Finally she breathes deeply and lets him go.  “I will walk you out”, he takes her hand and they walk to the bay where the raft is docked.  “See you soon” he says as he waves goodbye, he looks relieved.  She stands on the pier until she can no longer see him and turns to go back inside.  She closes the door as the rain starts, and from the outside, with it’s boarded up windows, the lighthouse looks abandoned.  She misses him already.

© N Kruger – 12 September 2012

The beginning of the end (Part 1)

She knew the raft was coming, long before she could see it.  First it was a tiny speck on the horizon.  The familiar feeling of doom settled over her in a dark storm cloud and in a moment of panic she sent the Kraken with lightning and rain to stall it.  She turns from the shore and goes back to the lighthouse pretending that she knows nothing.  But they both knew.

“There’s a storm coming” she said to distract his eyes from looking for the raft.  He walks outside to the edge of the rocky shore looking at the storm raging in the distance anyway.  Starting the preparations, she goes around the lighthouse boarding up the windows.  The rest of the preparations will be done behind the door of which she wears the key around her neck like a precious jewel.  He comes in from the outside smelling of wind and ocean and kisses her.  She smiles into his eyes and hugs him tight to her chest breathing him in, wishing she could keep his essence inside her lungs so that when he leaves she wouldn’t miss him.  “I have to go do something” she says as she releases herself from his embrace, “what’s wrong?” he asks, suspicious concern mirrored in his eyes, “nothing….I’m fine” and she walks up the stairs to the room she keeps locked to prepare.

She stands in front of the door for a moment, wishing she didn’t have to do this.  Sadness caresses her cheek and nudges her forward.  She looks down to her chest to where the key dangles on its frayed red ribbon between her breasts and frees it from around her neck.  She takes a deep breath, smiles and thinks “at least this time I’m prepared”.  She opens the door reluctantly and closes it behind her.  The suitcase has gathered some dust since the last time she used it, she glances at the shelves housing the bottles and jars of memories she collected.  The contents glow and glisten and cast a kaleidoscope of colours across the room.  She walks over to the corner where she keeps the suitcase and sits cross legged in front of it.  She loosens the leather straps with care, opens the lid and looks inside the brand new, unused, empty suitcase.  She still remembers the day he gave it to her fondly.  She breathes in deeply and sighs her heartache and unshed tears into it and carefully parts the skin between her breasts.  It’s easy to find the piece of her heart that belongs to him – the last piece she was willing to give away, it beats vivaciously and bright red in the space between her lungs.   She removes it with shaking hands and places it gently in the centre of the empty space.  She sits there for a while, trying to get used to the empty space in her chest until finally she can hear him calling her name from downstairs asking, “what are you doing up there?”.  She closes the suitcase, ties the straps, carries it to the pile of suitcases in the other corner of the room and puts it on top.

“I’m coming”.  She puts on her mask and joins him downstairs.  They talk and laugh and spoon on the couch and she waits.  The raft will be here soon to pick him up, she saw the Kraken at the bottom of the bay.

© N Kruger – 11 September 2012

A letter to Thursday

I will not sit and wait for you,
I will hardly even notice your absence.
I only have one life to live
and I will go out in the world and live it.
In the quiet moments I will spare a thought
as to whom and where you might be.
But I’ll be too busy howling at the Moon,
crossing continents, finding treasure, living free.
Perhaps on an ordinary Thursday afternoon,
while going about my business.
We will run into each other on the corner of 5th and Long.
We’ll apologize, laugh awkwardly, pick up each other’s papers,
and on the spur of the moment exchange numbers.
We won’t give it another thought until a rainy Tuesday in June,
maybe you’ll send me a message saying “I’ve been missing you”.
I will invite you over to my place
we will drink tea, spoon on the couch and talk for hours
as if it’s the way it’s always been done.
And we will be glad for ordinary Thursday afternoons
and that we didn’t sit inside and waited for each other.

© N Kruger – 8 September 2012

Suitcase

He arrived in the midst of a flurry of unpacking.
She was sitting between old suitcases strewn all over the floor.
Dust particles raced through the rays of the sun streaming in through the windows.
As she moved into the light it set fire to the copper tones in her hair.
She looked at him with a question mirrored in her garnet eyes.
“Where are you going?” he asked,
she shrugged “Nowhere. Just getting rid of some of this stuff”
He sat on a chair in the corner of the room,
talking while she sorted through all the things,
giving his opinion every now and then on what should be kept.
When she took breaks from unpacking,
she would go over to the corner of the room to where he sat.
Kiss his lips, breathe in his smell and rest her head on his shoulder.
He would put his arms around her and hug her tight to his chest.
Then she would take his hand and pull him from his chair
and go over to the bed in the middle “Come with me”.
She liked to put on his shirt afterwards and continue unpacking.
While he lay there watching her from a distance.
She noticed the new suitcase standing in the door.
“I got that for you” he said.
He gave her some things to put into it.
Reluctantly she went to fetch it, it was beautiful.
The new smell excited her nostrils as she undid the leather straps.
She carefully placed what he gave her inside the suitcase.
She slid it across the floor and positioned it next to the bed, still open.
“I still have some unpacking to do” she said.
“Don’t let life get in the way” he told her.

© N Kruger 7 July 2012

Woman

For above all, she is a woman.  A woman with girlish notions on love.  She yearns for the firm touch of his hands on the small of her back.  The stroke of fingers on the inside of her thigh.  And when eyes meet, she wants to see love gazing back at her.  But she is a woman, not a girl.  Love’s sweetness but all to often turns to bitter poison inside the mouth, staining black the inside of the heart, killing all hope of girlish forever after.  Love seems but a fleeting gesture, a precious moment to be cherished when stumbled upon.  To sip from it’s cup and be drunk on the ecstasy of it, until the last drop slides down the back of the throat.  So that when one wakes, and it’s no longer there, it seems a wonderful dream that brings a smile to the lips.  For one can not reason with the heart.  It takes what it wants.  It’s insatiable need for love can never be stilled.  Even the blackest of hearts will cease it’s dying state and start beating once more at the feel of it’s touch.  She is a woman.  Many times resurrected from the dead.  Love is her nature, for she is made with heart.  Formed by the giving and receipt of life’s most precious gift.  Love.

Solitaire

She sits with her chin on her knees on the floor of the shower.  Letting the spray of water run over her naked body.  She is covered in gooseflesh.  Hot water is not needed for this exercise.  She shivers.  And her tears, forming their own stream down her face, mixes with the water, blurring the line where one begins and the other ends. She imagines herself sitting in a puddle of her tears. And she wishes with all she has inside of her that it will wash her clean. Her skin has gone bright red from the cold. Sitting in a crimson ball on the floor, she is a heart, ripped from someone’s chest. She desperately tries to to beat even though not attached to any arteries, pumping nothing but frozen air.

When her breath catches in her throat she uncurls herself from herself and closes the tap. She stands with her head hanging forward looking at her toes and the water dripping on it from the tip of her nose. She feels marginally better. Sometimes the only way she manages the intensity of what is going on inside of her is to experience some kind of external source of intensity. Today the cold shower did that for her. She experiences life in the brightest of colours, never pastels. And most days she copes just fine, but then, it creeps up on her from the shadows and pounces on her back when she’s not looking. And she struggles to breathe and doesn’t know what to do and she just wants it to stop and feel normal.

Sometimes she wishes she could just disappear. As if she never existed. Just quietly slip into nowhere where she doesn’t have to feel or think or be. She wonders if anyone would notice. She longs for the relief of nothingness. She wonders what it would be like. But even though she has days like these where she feels like she could explode. She knows she doesn’t want to live any other way. She doesn’t want to go through life like an automaton, never feeling, never questioning, just existing. The intensity in which she experiences life gives it colour, taste, texture. She knows she is alive. She wants to live in ecstasy.

She feels lonely at times. But she realizes that it’s not fair on anyone else or expect them to understand. To understand her. To have to live with the constant sea of change within her. Sometimes it takes all her energy to keep herself from drowning and she doesn’t want to be responsible for dragging someone else down. She feels lonely, and sometimes, selfishly, she seeks love from another. She glows in it, takes as much as she can from it. Stores it up for another day. Inevitably, as it happens, the life raft soon fetches the half drowned man from the clutches of her sea. And she resigns herself to a solitary life. A life filled with plenty but nothing that fills her being. She dances through the crowd alone. Shining bright like the lonely morning star.

 © N Kruger – April 2012 (with credit to David Morrison for his help with part of the 1st paragraph – thank you)

She lives on the edge of madness

Since as far back as she can remember She’s been a deeply conflicted human being.  She experiences life intensely.  It is not uncommon for her to feel absolutely euphoric and utterly devastated in the space of 24 hours.  This is her normal.  As she has grown older, she has learned to cope and deal with the constant battle waging inside of her and it has become easier, manageable.  As a young adult when she didn’t have the skills to cope, she used to sedate, drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever made her feel “normal” or better even if just for a while.  At one point she was prescribed anti-depressants but she refuses to live her life in a haze of numbness.  So this, her curse, is one she lives by choice.  Walking the fine line between sanity and madness.

She has a tendency to internalize everything and she lives in her head a lot.  Which is why she can speak with absolute authority on the subject on why one shouldn’t do that.  She is all too familiar with the devastation it wreaks.  She now has the tools and knowledge to recognize when she is balancing on the edge of that dark hole and can snap herself out of it pretty quickly.  But yet, it’s still something that she does.  That small voice of un-reason, that sits next to the open wound and constantly picks at it until it becomes angry and inflamed and bleeding, is relentless and it takes constant vigilance to keep it contained and locked in it’s small box in the back of her mind.

She often feels utterly alone.  Even though she is surrounded by people who love her deeply and supports her in everything she does.  There are people who accept her completely.  But she always feels alone, a drifter, hovering on the outskirts.  Looking in from the outside at everyone’s normality, while seemingly fitting in and wearing her bright happy face, she gives a convincing performance of being part of the pack.  She knows she was born to stand out in some way, even if it’s just in her separateness from the flock.  She has the ability to view life in colours not yet seen by the eyes of others.  She has the ability to grasp complex concepts in an instant and because she feels the emotions of the people and the world around her when she says “I get it, I understand” it goes beyond what it means in the normal sense of the word.

She accepts herself and her life completely and finds joy and contentment in her contrary nature.  It’s what drives her forward and makes her feel alive.  But some days, the thought of what it’s like to be like everyone else flutters across her consciousness.  She wonders what it would be like to not be in a constant battle on the inside.  She wonders what it would be like to switch everything off and just switch over to autopilot.  Some days she wishes to just be a bit numb and not experience everything so intensely.  When the longing of her heart to be loved in a really big way takes over, she wonders if there is someone out there who will feel like home.  Then she smiles, and she chooses life, the life she knows and loves.  She knows that there is magic out there.  And who knows, maybe, just maybe, on an ordinary Wednesday afternoon, the door she knocks on will be the entrance to home.

© N Kruger – April 2012

The Girl and the Revelation

The sunlight slowly turned the black of night into a blaze of golden, the Girl slowly opened her eyes and yawned.  A small smile crept over her face hearing the sound of birdsong, while her eyes adjusted to the new day.  Suddenly, the place where her heart used to be gave a jolt.  She leapt up from where she slept.  She realized that she hasn’t heard bird song or seen the sun ever since she became trapped in the Ice Kingdom.  It’s been a long time.  She ran to the middle of the clearing and looked up at the sky.

The thick grey clouds made way to show patches of blue, and the horizon was ablaze with sun fire.  She looked upon it all with wonder.  Everywhere the snow was melting and grass the colour green that you only see in the spring peeked out from underneath.  She took a deep breath and filled her lungs with the sweet smells of new life carried by the gentle breeze that made her hair tickle her face.  She went looking for Hope and kept a weary eye out for Sadness who is always lurking nearby to see whether she will go to the secret place where she buried her heart all that time ago.  As she walked through the trees searching for Hope she hummed a quiet tune and noticed that the Shadow of Sadness wasn’t anywhere to be found.  A slight frown formed between her brows.  And she began looking for him.  She looked under rocks, behind trees, in the bushes and along the shore of the Lake of Sorrow.  But he was nowhere to be found.  She sat down on a patch of fresh green grass in the sunlight with her chin on her knees and closed her eyes and just breathed for a bit, and felt the warmth of the sun on her cold skin and the gentle caress of the breeze against her cheeks.  A happy smile blossomed across her face.  For sitting there in the sun she was reminded of the time when she opened her heart to another, she remembered his touch as warm as the sunlight, his breath upon her lips and the way he made her soul smile…..just the way she is feeling now.  And finally Truth dawned for her.

For even though she has moments where she misses his company and his face, his laugh and touch and the way they knew each other’s thoughts, the thing she misses most is the way she felt in the beginning, before the Shadow and Sadness came with him to sow confusion.  The way she felt as if she is walking on air, the shiny happy feeling thinking of him made her heart soar,  the way she is feeling right now, all by herself, just appreciating the beauty around her.  When he left, the connection they shared left a hole in her soul.  But she didn’t even notice that it had closed a long time ago.  She didn’t see that all along she kept herself prisoner in the clearing and that sadness had left a long time ago.  It didn’t matter that she felt betrayed by her Lover.  None of it mattered.  What mattered was the memories of the good, not what happened after, and that was what kept her prisoner.  She was still free to love him, just as she was free to love all the others before and the ones that will come after.  He left her a treasure chest full of gifts and as she unwrapped this last one, opened it with loving gentle fingers, Forgiveness fluttered from it like a butterfly and floated away on the gentle breeze.  She tilted her head up to the sun, flung her arms out and spun around and laughed.  She finally let go of the man whom she had trusted and opened her heart for.  She let go of the hurtful things he had done.  For she knew the hurt didn’t belong to her.  It never did.  And if she could do it again she would, for he taught her about Love about giving without Fear.  She learned that she is powerful and strong.  She learned that you can build a prison with no walls and stay there for as long as you wish, and at the end of it all, you can just get up and leave or better yet, not stay there at all.  She is grateful for the time she spent in the Ice Kingdom.  For if she didn’t she would not have realized her power, the power of Choice.  She would never have known that she carried the key to Happiness, she would never have known the joy of Giving and that there is no such thing as Fear.

Hope stood behind her with a smile.  She turned and hugged her and together they went to the place where she had buried her heart.  She dug through the rich dark soil with her hands, took out the wooden box and opened it.  Her Heart beamed at her and filled the sky with bright light.  She carefully took her bright shiny heart out, fat with Love and put it back into her chest.  She took a deep breath and smiled.  And her and Hope skipped hand in hand from the forest and from then on, the Girl embraced every moment of Life.

Note from the writer:  The stories of Sadness and the Girl is very loosely based on life experience from past relationships, each one of those men taught me such valuable lessons, and I’m grateful to each one of them.  I choose not to hold on to hurt and anger, but to only remember them with Love, because of them I have learned how to Love and to give Love with no conditions.  Because of them I know what I don’t want, but more importantly what I do want from a partner.  

I make use of metaphors and bring a lot of fantasy into my writing, it’s the world I live in, our imagination makes the world a magical place.  Sadness can become so consuming but at the end of the day we have a choice whether to invite it in or not.  More often, the memory of something is harder to let go of than the actual person.  Sometimes logically we know that something is bad for us but because once a long time ago it made us feel good, we want to hold on to that, even long past the good has gone.  And we don’t realize that the power lies with us to make ourselves feel good.  Someone else can not fill the void within you, only you can do that.

It is my wish that who ever reads these stories, will realize the astonishing light of their own being.  And will realize that your happiness doesn’t lie in the hands of another.  It lies within your Self.  And you are it’s keeper.  Someone else can enhance it, but not give it.  You don’t need a relationship to make you feel happy.  You have the power to do that all by yourself.  And you can choose.  You are never alone, you are just by yourself.  And there is much freedom and joy in that.  Don’t let past hurt make you weary and closed.  Live free, with an open heart, give Love freely.  People come and go from our lives like the tides of the ocean and when they go they always leave treasure on your shores, walk along the beach and collect it, learn from your experiences and find joy in them.  Don’t wait your life away for someone.  Live your life and upon your journeys, through your joyous living, one day the tide will come in again and you will get to swim in the warm waters of Love shared with another.  Most importantly, you should never settle for less.  Love should always make you feel more, never less. 

You are enough.

Much Love,
Nicci ♥ 

The Girl and the spell Sadness cast

The girl walks along the edge of the Lake of Sorrow searching for a spot of sun to warm her cold bones.   Even though she knows that in this Kingdom of Ice and Snow, there are none.  But Hope has not left her and encourages her to try anyway, maybe today the sun would break through the thick grey clouds, maybe today the spell would be broken and will mark the return of her Heart.  She is worn out and tired and longs for the sound of laughter and the warm touch of another soul upon hers.  Sadness, her ever present and faithful companion lurks and grins from the shadows as she passes.

The weary girl sits down in the snow.  And thinks back to a time when this very spot she is sitting in was a beautiful green meadow, filled with flowers and the sound of happy laughter.  A small smile spreads across her lips and she closes her eyes and allows herself to remember.

It was long ago.  This cold harsh landscape was once a beautiful place, a clearing in the middle of a forest filled with magical creatures.  It used to be her secret place, she would come here and picnic and listen to the sound of the stream that fed the Lake and would lie on the grass and watch clouds float by.  It was her sanctuary.  One day, making her way through the forest, she saw him, standing in the middle of the clearing.  She was frightened at first and wanted to turn away and come back another day.  But as she turned to leave, she heard a whisper that urged her to wait.  Her eyes didn’t know him but her soul recognized him.  So even though she felt frightened she was a lion hearted girl and she stayed and went up to speak to him.  He was a beautiful man and she found that she could speak to him easily for he was willing to listen.  And his gentle nature made her feel safe.  The next day when she went to the meadow he was there, waiting for her.  And as the days passed she started to look forward to his presence.  They became Lovers and soon the meadow was filled with the sound of long conversations and laughter and the silence of passion.

Time passed and she started noticing a shadow lurking in the forest.  But she didn’t pay it much attention for Joy blinded her eyes to Truth and clouded her vision.  She arrived in the secret clearing before him, she noticed the presense of Different.  And when he finally arrived the shadow followed him with Different close by his side.  She ignored the Shadow, she didn’t want to see Different and she pretended that everything was the same.  But the girl lived with an open heart and finally the time came where she could no longer deny their presense and Truth advised her to ask him to go.  She ran from the meadow, from her happy place, she didn’t notice that the Shadow followed her.  She so wanted everything to be as before, she so wanted him.  Every day when she returned to the meadow she hoped he would be there to tell her that he did love her and that he wanted her, but he was gone.   All that remained was Different and the Shadow.  Truth took the veils of Joy from her eyes and she saw that it was all an illusion and that it wasn’t real.  It was then, that she took her heart from her chest and buried it in the forest, it needed time to heal and she couldn’t be trusted to take care of it.  She didn’t want to, she didn’t want her heart in her chest until all the memories bled from it.

She cried bitter tears into the Lake, her empty chest once warmed by her Heart turned cold.  That’s when she met the Shadow, his name was Sadness.  She remembered him from a long time ago, a time before the meadow.  She had banished him before, but Sadness followed him, the man she once loved, to the meadow and found her again.  She was weary and tired and allowed Sadness to comfort her, his icy tentacles turned everything into ice and snow.  He wanted her heart, but she refused to tell him where it was.  He was furious and trapped the girl inside the clearing with a magical spell that prevented her from leaving.

She has been there ever since.  She cannot get to the place where she buried her heart.  But Hope assures her that one day someone wandering the forest will find it and bring it to her and break the spell that Sadness cast.

The Story of Sadness and the girl

Her heavy heart weighs her down today and beats a slow heavy drum beat in her chest, as if preparing to stop at any moment.  She is fine mostly.  But some days Sadness creeps through the cracks in the plaster of the wall she built around him.  She is having one of those days.  Today she is just too tired to herd it back to behind the high walls and locked gate and go looking in all the places it always hides.  So she invites Sadness to sit with her for a while.

Sitting on the edge of the silver lake of sorrow, she leans back into Sadness and allows his cold embrace, as his bony fingers strokes the silver path of tears down her cheeks.  She takes off her shoes and dips her feet in the icy cold water.  As she sits there in Sadness’s embrace the icy grip of the tear lake at her feet creeps up and up all the way to her heart.   Sadness smiles to himself and lets her go.  His work is done.  She sits there frozen in time, a beautiful sculpture of a sad lonely girl by the edge of the lake.  Waiting, for the sun.