Wish you were here….

After finishing my book last night, I’m feeling rather philosophical.  Which doesn’t bode well for my state of mind because I don’t think one can be philosophical and entirely sane at the same time.  Since there is no one around at the moment to philosophize with, I shall process my thoughts here.   I’ve been thinking a lot about longing, need and discontent and searching for home.  I have also been pondering the possibility of multiple lives lived in multiple dimensions or universes all at once.  Which, by the way, I think is entirely possible.  I don’t think we begin to understand and grasp the concept of time and space.

What if aspects of myself is stretched out across multiple dimensions, each one living a different life, right now at this very  moment.   Some part of myself could be anywhere right now.   If this is the case, if parts of my Self are segmented and scattered across multiple universes in different timelines that would mean that I am indeed not whole, I am only a piece of myself.  Would that not explain that feeling within my Self that something is amiss, that constant searching, that longing.  Would that not also explain our need as humans to group together.  Maybe our need to do that and the reason why we seek out people that are similar to us is because by having those people around we create an illusion of feeling whole.  We feel more content, like we belong.  Maybe the saying “like attracts like” has more to it than what we understand.  Or maybe it could also be that the people we connect with are the same people we have around us in our other lives.  Have you ever met someone and just had an instant connection with them, felt like you know them?  Maybe that’s why, it’s because we do know them, in another life, another dimension.  When we have those feelings of “I’ve been here before, I’ve done this before” but you know that you haven’t, maybe you have, while living your other life.

Maybe that part of us that is infinitely wise and all knowing knows this.  That part we mostly deny and don’t connect with.  It’s that part of ourselves, the part we pretend does not exist that manifests in our being as feeling alone, it’s the part that is searching.  But we are not searching for a place or a person.  What we are searching for is ourselves.  That is what is missing.  What if when we die and we leave our bodies behind, we are simply reunited with a part of ourselves in another dimension or universe.  Maybe when you feel like you’ve grown or you suddenly understand something or feel happier and more content, it’s because one of your Selves died in another Universe and it seeked you out and reunited with you.   Parts of our Selves die in our other lives and it reunites with other parts of ourselves, until only one is left and we are whole.  Maybe that is what heaven is.  Being whole.  Maybe that is why I feel discontent in this life.  Maybe I have not been reunited with many parts of myself.  Maybe I am made up of only a tiny bit of myself.  I am only a fragment of myself.  And I’m slightly jealous of my other Selves living other lives feeling more content and together than what I do.  Because try as I might, I feel the way I feel.  And isn’t our lives entirely made up of what we feel.  The world happens inside of us.  Regardless of what goes on outside of us it always comes back to how we feel.  And I create my reality from within me.  So the Universe is indeed inside of me, I am the Universe and I create the world as each moment goes by based on what I feel.  What if the very next second is only a blank empty space, completely void of anything.  And simply by extending my thoughts to it, I create it.  What if, I open my mind and let go of everything I know the veils between dimensions and lives will simply drop away and I can be reunited with myself this very instant….

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, life is but a dream…

 

 

 

I am the great pretender

“We can’t always get what we want”.  That’s life right, you win some, you lose some.  Totally get that.  But I still think that is a defeatist thing to say.  It diminishes and takes away from all the effort, energy, time and emotional investment one puts into something.  Hearing that makes me feel like my best isn’t enough.  And if my best isn’t enough then what is the point of even trying.

I need a holiday, from myself, my head is filled with things I can’t say.  I have talked it to death, I have thought it to death.  And I can’t get away from myself.  Because everywhere I am, there I am.  I sound like a stuck record.  And I have to believe that I will feel better, the wound, as all wounds do, will heal.  And it’s my fault, I am not exercising, I’m not meditating, I’m just stewing.  So I will quit whining and just fake it.  I will, I am just pretending that everything is just peachy until I can believe it.  I am way more blessed than many other people out there.  Way.  I have to believe that all the effort I am putting into getting the life I want won’t end in “We can’t always get what we want”.

Man up.  Suck it up.  Put on my game face.  And just fake it till I make it through.  That’s what I will do.  Quit whining.  I am a great pretender.

 

 

 

Money, it’s a crime

Urgh OK money is the bane of my existence I swear.  I’m good with it, I work carefully and budget and stuff, but I do have times where I spend it like I have an inexhaustible amount of it.  Which clearly I don’t.  Seeing as though I haven’t had a raise or anything in the past couple of years, things can get a bit hairy at times with everything going up and my salary staying the same.  Anyhoo it is what it is and I always make a plan don’t I.

I seriously can’t wait to receive my course material, I will be learning subjects like Economics and Financial accounting so I will be über clever (more than I already am).  I will know how to work with money, even though I don’t have any.  Which helps in a roundabout way right.   My goal in life is to be debt free and off the grid and at the moment the only thing I am achieving is winding myself up tighter into the system which I know doesn’t work *sigh* rather counter productive but all in the name of a greater goal.  Just have to keep focused.  It will of course help to win the lotto or receive a large donation of cash from someone that find themselves within the 1% of the world population that has an abundance of it or maybe when the system collapses it will all work out.  But for now I am just forward marching.  Just have to focus on needs and not wants for the time being.  And not buy things like shoes and corsets.  The kids still need a few items of clothing, but that is a need.

We live in such an illusion don’t we…

Life is bizarre

Yesterday started out as a fabulous day, I was feeling on top of the world chipper.  It did not end that way.  It was a bizarre day.  Nothing that a good sleep can’t fix.  Sometimes I let my head run rampant, especially days like yesterday that was just intensely strange.  So I was feeling a bit sensitive and insecure and a whole lot of other things.  I am thankful that I have a steady voice of reason who also isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m being full of shit and doesn’t offer sugar coated placations.  Love that.  It is, after all, my job to deal with my issues.

It’s a brand new day.  It’s weekend.  I’m fetching my kids.  It’s my birthday on Sunday.  I’m going to try and forget everything that is making me feel frustrated and like I’m going nowhere fast.  Just keep on keeping on.  Everything is as it should be and works out the way it should anyway in the end.

I wanted to join CMax Roller Derby League, but I don’t think I can.  It’s just a logistical nightmare.  League practice is in Modderfontein on Tuesdays and Thursdays and starts at 7:00pm  - there is no way I can get home, sort the kids and be in Modderfontein at 7.  Urgh.  Frustrating, but you know, such is life I guess.  I’m still getting a pair of skates though.  I saw the coolest pair of old school quads for less than R800.  I’ve been dying to skate for a while now.  So I’m gonna.

I’m being reminded how important it is to monitor my thought processes.  Our thoughts become things after all.  So rather choose the good ones.  Have a super weekend everyone!  Muchos loves.

Take me out

Have you ever started something and as you start doing it your realize “what the actual fuck am I doing?!” but then it’s too late already and you’ve got to finish it?  Well I have.  This morning in fact.  I cut my fringe.  Yes.  Yes I did.  It was irritating 7 different kinds of shit out of me.  So when I did my hair this morning I promptly got up, took the scissors out the cupboard and freakin hacked it off.  But ja as I took the first snip I realized it wasn’t the best idea ever.  It doesn’t look completely shit, otherwise I would not have left the house.   I’m loving having longer hair again.  It grows pretty quickly luckily I can’t wait for it to be proper long again.

I’m quite excited today.  Even though it’s not my birthday it kinda feels like it is on account of my secret, not so secret birthday party.  Yay!  So I dressed up and everything.  Not that I need an excuse to dress up but you know.  I did.  My actual birthday is only on Sunday and I’m not going to get all dressed up on Sunday when I’m mooching around at home.  Also it’s only 2 sleeps then the kids come home.  It’s enough already now.

So yay.  Happy day in my world.

Have a fabulous day peeps ♥

Weekend roundup

So you would think it gets easier to say goodbye, turns out it doesn’t.  But you know decisions, consequences, we live with them and it doesn’t take away from the awesomeness one bit.  I got to spend the whole weekend with Cape Town and it was great!  It’s always a good weekend spending it with him and friends, there was much of visiting, laughter and good times.

Friday afternoon after work I popped in to spend some time with the kids.  I miss them too much so it was good to see them and get hugs and cuddles.  Friday night we went out to dinner to this awesome curry place in Linden, the food was good people!  Just don’t ask me now what the name is if you know Linden it’s across the road from Satori’s.  Saturday I went off to Walter Sisulu Botanical Gardens to picnic with Jeanette for her 40th.  What a gorgeous day to be out there.  When we just got there the birds actually came up to our blanket, they obviously have become super used to people and know they might get a bite to eat.  It was such a beautiful day on Saturday! Actually the whole weekend was filled with beautiful days.  You have to love winter in Africa!  Saturday night we had a braai and ate until we rolled.  And Sunday was a relatively quiet day.  We watched a few episodes of Luther, a really awesome British series.  I even got a quick session into my backpiece by Milo.  And Sunday night Cape Town and I had some alone time.  We watched the soccer but ja after Spain scored their second goal the TV was switched off and that is all I’m going to say about that.

All in all.  Another great weekend in my world.  I have slipped into a bit of a comfort zone I think.  So this being my birthday week I need to re-asses and decide where I want to be and what I am going to do about it.  I could of course just carry on the way I am but I’m not sure I want to.  Time stands still for no (wo)man.  I’m turning 35 and in the grander scheme of things I’m still a spring chicken.  There’s a lot of live to be lived still.  Which is exactly the point.  Live is to be lived.  Life is not something to just roll on by.  Shit to do, places to see and all that.

Have a super week y’all.

 

Wish you were here

So the school holidays are upon us.  My kids are going to their father for 2 weeks.  I always look forward and dread it at the same time.  It takes me a few days to adjust to their absence in the home.  But they always have a stack of fun and so do I, I think purely just for the break in routine.  Seeing as though I am not on holiday I have nothing planned except for a highly anticipated 4 day visit with Cape Town in exactly 7 days time – yay!

I don’t really have much to say actually.  I’m having a quiet day.  I’m using my inside voice.  Christian, the back seat driver, decided that he is going to be a race car driver when he is big.  Lila is going to be a prima ballerina.  I wish I knew what I want to be when I’m big.  Oh wait I forget, I want to be a Showgirl!  LOL.

Oh there is one thing, not sure if I should share it yet but whatever.  I quit smoking.  Again.  It’s a disgusting habit.  It’s been roughly a year since I started again.  And it’s high time to give it up again, I have no excuse.  It’s gross man sis.  So wish me luck.  I don’t anticipate me being an über bitch like I was the last time seeing as though there are no assholes that piss me off in the vicinity.  So I think I’ll be fine.  Quitting, like a boss!

Anyway to suit my melancholy mood I’ll leave you with this, wish you were here…

#justsayin

Urgh people I’m all bunged up and sinus’ey which is to be expected being all dry and dusty up here as it is in winter.  But before I continue lets just address the issue of winter.  It’s winter people.  It’s cold.  Thanks, we’ve established that, can everyone just move along now.   Unlike some, most of us are in a position to dress warmly and sleep indoors.  So do that and quit whining.

Yesterday I was at Spar.  I don’t go to that one often.  As I reversed out of my parking spot and turned my car into the road I noticed the big white arrow painted on the paving pointing towards me.  I am facing the wrong way in a one way.  Now keep in mind this is a parking lot.  With lots of space.  But now I’m kinda stuck because some other nitwit decided to make a parking space where there is none and there are cars turning the corner.  So the best I can do is move to the side as close as I can and let them pass and then turn and leave.  So this lady decides instead of just passing me, to stop her car and start a staring contest with me.  She was holding up an entire line of cars behind her because she refused to pass me because “it’s a one way”.  I didn’t get angry, me and the other patrons in the parking lot actually found it very amusing which I don’t think she took kindly to.  So eventually when I convinced her to just pass.  I managed to get out and there was no issue.  There are so many angry people in the world.  And why is it that people choose to make issues where there is a clear solution right infront of them.  There would’ve been no issue had she just passed, parked, let it go and then I was free to reverse and turn around.  Blows my mind.

Another thing that blows my mind is how people love to whine.  Everyone complains about how tight finances are.  But when you present them with opportunities for marketing, getting their brand out there and making money they don’t take it.  Astonishing.  And you know, it’s fine if you turn down opportunities, but then don’t whine about how you don’t have money ok.  Everybody should just quit whining and start doing.  Action.  Only by actually doing something will you ever get anywhere.

Just saying.

I am in a good space right now.  I’m happy.  I wish everyone could be happy too.  Happy Chooseday!

Weekend Roundup – Spectrum edition

There are a couple of things on my mind, but lets face it, when isn’t there?!  But first weekend roundup.  Friday night I did not feel like cooking so we all went off to The Olive (by the way their website is up have a lookie here) and it was packed, so loads of fun as usual.  The kids played with friends, we all chatted and ate, then it was off to bed for an early night.

Saturday I went to little Taeyah’s 2nd birthday party, the cutest child on the planet.  I can’t believe that just the other day she was a teeny tiny little newborn that made her appearance earlier than planned on the day that her poor Mum was busy unpacking stacks of boxes.  We had a great time at a really cool party venue right next to the Magalies Mountain.  After the party I went off to the Solstice Beer Festival which was great.  A bunch of craft beer brewers, a truckload of people and some really good music.  Although going to a beer festival when you can’t drink is a bit meh though, I was being all responsible as one should and didn’t drink because I was driving.  Needless to say I didn’t stay too long and headed off home.  I was exhausted by the evening and watched some Spartacus and then went to sleep.  Sunday was a lazy day, I just went to town to pick up stuff for school and lounged about for the rest of the day.  And that’s that.

I did get some really nice compliments from a few people this weekend actually, that remarked how well behaved and awesome my kids are.  So that was a proud Mommy moment for me.  I have however, recently noticed a change in Christian’s behaviour.  He started wetting the bed and has really become very aggressive, which is rather out of character for him.  I had a chat to his teacher this morning and she says everything is fine at school but suggested that maybe I take him for a couple of play therapy sessions.  She says often in a divorce situation a child is fine and then as they grow older, other things than were previously addressed becomes an issue.  That made more sense than where my mind went.  I was tossing and turning last night as my mind went to all kinds of places on what could have triggered his behaviour.  I did decide however that I will have the talk with them both again and just drive the point home on where touching is allowed and where not.  I mean if you think about it, children don’t often get molested by strangers, it’s people that they know.  If I just look at my own situation, in every instance it was someone that we knew.  What is more scary in my case is that I never told anyone.  So I will just have the talk with them, it’s all I can do really.

Also it is Cape Town’s birthday soon.  I will be spending it with him and I can’t wait.  Cape Town doesn’t really like too much fussing over it, but I am fussing a little.  He promised to indulge me my fussing so it’s all good.  The boy has a good heart and I think it’s well deserved that someone fusses over him a bit for a change.  I do like him an awful lot!  Aaand that’s way more than I care to share here.

This morning I woke up with this song in my head.  I love it.  I play it really loud in the car and belt it out as loud as I can. “Say my name.  And every colour illuminates, we are shining and we will never be afraid again” it’s awesome.  Enjoy!

There are no accidents

Is it just me or does it feel to everyone like time is going faster?  I can’t believe is Thursday already or June for that matter.  Half the year gone *poof*!  Or maybe it just seems that it’s going faster because my life is filled with living and not getting by or surviving.  Things seem to have taken a slower pace with the onset of winter in terms of achieving goals and such.  But remembering that this is my year of patience I am taking the time to just let things play out in their own way.  I think I have learned that by now.  Trying to force things just never work.  Everything happens exactly as it should when it should.

Like my note from the Universe said this morning – “There are no accidents, Nicci.  If it’s appeared on your life radar, this is why:  to teach you that dreams come true; to reveal that you have power to fix what’s broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you’re already the person you dreamed you’d become.  And believe me that was one heck of a dream.  There are no accidents”.

A nice reminder I think.  It is really easy to forget, while we get so busy chasing goals and dreams and aspirations to appreciate where we are, what and who we have right now.  While it’s important to keep sight of one’s goals it is also just as important to remember to live in the moment.  To not get caught up and start living in the future or the past.  To find happiness and contentment with the space we find ourselves in and not be unhappy because we haven’t reached our destination yet.  Afterall, the most fun happens on the journey.  The journey is the most important part of the destination for without it you wouldn’t go anywhere.  So we may as well make the most of it!  Including the detours, dead ends and obstacles.

Everything will be just fine.  Everything will be all right.