What defines you.

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Recently I have gone through some work issues.  To be honest I have never really been happy in my job, in the past I have used excuses like “it’s the company” or “i am bored” or “it’s time to move on” but the truth is that I am unhappy in my job because it’s not something that I am passionate about.

Have you ever noticed that when you meet someone one of the first questions they ask of you is “What do you do?”  As a society we have come to use someone’s job title as part of forming an opinion of that person.  For someone like me that isn’t attached to my job title and put absolutely no value to it whatsoever it kinda sucks.  Picture this scenario – fancy cocktail party, are introduced to some affluent people, you are fitting in nicely and chatting away, the inevitable “what do you do” comes up, me “I’m in admin – yes I do admin”, affluent person trying to be polite “oh what company do you work for” explain, “oh that’s …. lovely” looks uncomfortable and suddenly has a craving for those caviar hors‘ d oeuvres.

*I* don’t define myself by the work I do and I suppose for me because I put no value on it I find it hard to understand why other people do.  But I suppose in a way job titles make us fit into a nice little box and give people clear guidelines about what kind of person you possibly could be and if they would like to be associated with you.  It’s sad in a way because I’m sure people miss out on getting to know great people by boxing and labeling like that.

Maybe my thoughts on this will change if I ever get to do something I am passionate about but for now, yes I have a job and no my job does not define me.

Fighting

>I recently discovered that the company I work short paid me on my commission and now owes me a rather tidy sum of money.  When I found out I deliberated for a couple of days to make the decision if I should claim it or leave it.  At the end of the day I decided to claim for it, it is rightfully due to me and there should be no dispute as it states in my contract of employment that a certain amount will be paid out to me and it wasn’t.

Of course being the human being that he is, the owner of the company is refusing to pay out the owed amount to me and of course the GM’s loyalties lie with him and not with me (or his staff) so together they are now concocting all sorts of tall tales including that “the contract is wrong, it doesn’t mean anything and we ‘meant’ something else” LOL, I kid you not.  I spoke to the CCMA and unfortunately because it’s commission they can’t help me with it and if he doesn’t willingly pay my only course of action is to take him to court as it’s a civil case.  So it’s been a tumultuous couple of days.  I have since made my peace that I will not be paid, although I still feel that I have a strong case, I can prove everything that I am claiming by hard facts.  I am not one for burning bridges but I have also never been treated this way in my working history.

I feel positively yuck from all this negative energy.    I do not understand how some people live this way and take their enjoyment in harming others emotionally and constantly fights AND is perfectly ok with it.  The whole situation really made me feel awful energetically.  I think I’m going to have to clear my chakras tonight and do a cleansing ritual.

Even though I know that there are people who are unethical and dishonest and just plain mean and nasty I am always caught a little off guard and it upsets me when I encounter them.  Luckily it isn’t a lot and thankfully I have been blessed to remove myself from my current situation as soon as I made the decision to go.  Only 14 more sleeps then I don’t have to be in this environment anymore.

On my own

>As much as I enjoy time on my own and to have a bit of space.  Every time my husband leaves on conference (aka paid for holiday/boozy trip) I feel slightly terrified for a few moments.  It is quite evident who makes the biggest mess when he isn’t there.  So I am perfectly able to cope and deal with the kids/housework etc on my own so that really isn’t a problem for me.    It’s always nice to have that extra set of hands but I can do it on my own.  What momentarily terrifies me is being outnumbered.  If I am on my own they outnumber me.  It’s 2 against 1!  It is for that reason why I have decided against having a 3rd child, so unless we are suddenly going to be into polyamory there will be no 3 to 2 kid to adult ratio in our house.  Luckily for me that terrifying moment passes quickly and my kids really are ANGELS when we are alone.

They listen, do their chores and just fall in line like good little soldiers.  I don’t know why this is but they are always exceptionally good when it’s just the 3 of us.  Christian has his moments where he will throw a wobbly but I don’t entertain that so he quickly realizes that in order to get my attention he needs to calm the heck down.  The only downside is that I won’t be able to go to gym until hubby is back from his holiday err conference.  But thankfully I can spend some time on the pole to keep my muscles in use!!

The dogs however did NOT get the same memo as the kids.  They are impossible.  This morning I was greeted with dog poop and pee in the kitchen, lounge and sun room.  So I spent 30 minutes cleaning up doggie doo and pee while holding a scarf across the lower half of my face to try and block the smell and trying not to hurl (unsuccessful) it was not fun.  I have no idea why the excess crap seriously I even let them out before I went to bed to prevent the poop in the house.  I think they did it on purpose just to annoy me because they KNOW how much I despise it (the dog poop/pee is normally the husbands business so to speak). I am seriously considering letting them sleep outside.  I CAN NOT deal with another start to the morning like this one, otherwise they might tragically go missing.  *sigh* Even with a 2 : 2 adult to kid ratio I’m still outnumbered 3 : 1 about the dogs….

Fuzzy bunnies and rainbows

>You know what?  Some days I want my head in the clouds and think fuzzy bunnies, unicorn poop, pink cupcakes and rainbows.  I’ve been having a happy month.  I feel great, happy, content and like I’m moving forward.  I’m exercising and already seeing great results and am well on my way to a washboard stomach!  So as much as sometimes in the past I have allowed myself to vent and work through things.  For now I’m going to allow myself to be happy and to dwell in this space.  I refuse to get caught up in silly dramas and issues and dwell on the negative (and read news sites LOL).  I have decided that I will only allow myself 10 minutes to be upset and vent over things.

I have also learnt that as much as we sometimes want to make ourselves heard and let our opinions be known and feel validated, sometimes we need to just STFU.  It’s not important to always let yourself be heard for me at this point in my life.  And for me it’s a big thing as in the past I have been someone who needed validation.  I went through a period of really struggling emotionally and I have been holding on to the knowing that “this too shall pass” and well what do you know it’s passed.  I’m sure the wheel will eventually turn again.  Such is the nature of life.  We all go through cycles and I feel relieved and very happy that I am on the up end of the cycle again!

So I refuse to waste it!

Interview

>OK so I went for an interview today, I almost cancelled it (yes I know it’s counter productive) but I soldiered on.  It was at an agency for a really nice position at a big corporate.  I feel better now that I went.  Will hear next week sometime about the interview with the actual group.  So lets see..

My friend Laura has another blog she also runs called Female2Female and after my very depressing woe is me post from yesterday suggested that I write a weekly article for the site which I have agreed to do.  You know what they say about idleness being the devils ear cushion and all that!  So I am excited to start with that and GYM yay!!  I think we will start gym next week sometime, I can’t wait to get back into exercising again, I did zilch over the December holidays and I feel totally yuck!  I haven’t touched my pole either *sobs* luckily that will be remedied tonight when my other friend Mrs Rautenbach comes over for a chat/pole session!

I feel better today thank you – I guess it helps being Friday and all LOL!

Have a good one peeps!

Drifting

>And I don’t mean drifting like in those guys with their fast cars around corners.

I am in earnest looking for other employment this year and as much as I want to leave and feel utterly un-enthusiastic about my current work situation.  I feel the same when I browse through the loads of jobs on job sites.  I am really struggling to get excited and motivated about doing the same thing at another company.  I am just a little bit resentful that I can’t also do something that I love.

It would be easy if I actually could find a compromise and find something that I love doing that isn’t exactly what I want to be doing.  What I really want to do is not possible (don’t have the capital), the other thing I want to do I need a Masters degree and study for 7 years so that is also not going to happen.  And the other other thing I want to do I also need to study for about 2 years which is also not going to happen, so I have to be happy (as always) with 2nd best and be stuck with doing meaningless admin jobs the same thing day in and day out  yay for me.

I really feel like I’m just drifting around, like there is no meaning to what I do, every day is the same, treading water and never getting anywhere.  And apparently I’m not as nice as I thought I was I apparently project a little bit of a not nice attitude – who knew!  I’m feeling a bit sad about this today I will just have to accept that this is it, and be happy with never quite getting what I want and being happy with below average.

Soldier on!

New Look and Lucky day

>So yesterday I decided that I was bored with my blog template and went in search for something new.  I hope you like.  Also see the cute feature under the post where you can tick options or share it.  I’m not sure I 100% like the new design but it will do for now until I get hold of something else that is even cooler.

A while ago I took part in an online survey on Jobs.co.za you could win a cash prize and today I got a phone call to say I WON!!!!  Yay me!!  And thanks Jobs.co.za.  OMG I’m so stoked I never win stuff!

Yay!!

So let me know what you think of the new blog m’kay later!

The great Self Tan Experiment of 2010

>I looked at myself in my new full length mirror.  There is absolutely no doubt that I am white.  In fact I am so white the glare from my body would require you to wear sunglasses or other protective eye gear.  I used to be able to lie in the sun for hours and would emerge a bronze goddess – easy peasy.  But I can’t anymore.  I burn to a crisp within 15 minutes and then turn white again.  It’s not ayoba.

So I decided that I will try self tan.  I bought some spray tan and crossed fingers.  I showered and exfoliated and all that and stood in my naked glory in the bedroom and started spraying.  My husband thought it was hillarious and gave a running commentary thoughout the whole process.  It was surprisingly easy using the spray instead of the cream.

After spraying my entire body and hoping for the best I got into bed and said a quick prayer that I don’t wake up the next morning looking like an orange (although it would have been an excellent excuse to not go to work).  I woke up this morning  a lovely bronze colour yay!  But despite washing my hands about 4 times my palms are very “tanned”.  I tried Domestos, it didn’t work.  My ankles are also a bit splotchy but a quick scrub with the exfoliator thingie sorted that out.  I also have a splotch on my upper leg where water dripped when I washed my hands *sigh* but all in all I would call the experiment a success!

I think I will go to a salon next time though!

Pretty Please!

>I try not to but sometimes I really feel a bit despondent.  I have a sharp mind filled to the brim with fab ideas.  My problem is that I am either just very unlucky or I just don’t have what it takes to make things work.  I look at friends and other people around me that start with a little idea and it takes off and they make successful little businesses out of their ideas.

I try and my ideas just never seem to take off.  They kind of limp along and then die a quiet death.  And it’s not because they are bad ideas.  I can’t figure out where I am going wrong and I get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand why things just never seem to work out for me.  

Seriously can the Universe not just throw me a freaking bone.  Or since I’m clearly to thick to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and how a huge big flashing sign with an arrow pointing to it will do the trick!  Pretty-Please-with-a-small-business-that-makes-enough-money-to-support-me-on-top? Thanks in advance!  Appreciate it!

I am mad

>Right at this moment I am mad.  I am irritated and upset and just mad.  It’s partly hormonal and I’m mad at the stupid company I work for and also the husband.  Spitting mad.  I want to rant and rave and I want the world to know how mad I am and I want everyone to agree with me and say “yes we can see why you are mad the way you are being treated is not fair” and then I want hugs and a cup of tea and chocolates.

I am mad at my husband because he has a job that he loves and he sits there all high and mighty with useless placations, he laughs my situation off and makes light of it.  That makes me mad.  My stupid company couldn’t care less that they are putting me in a difficult situation and quite frankly their “dont’ care” attitude is not making me feel awfully enthusiastic to go the extra mile.

Having said that – I find myself thinking how I’m always preaching to everyone how we are the masters of our emotions and that we are 100% in charge of how we act/react at any given moment.  So I am free to choose if I am mad or I can choose to be not mad.  Right at this moment it feels good to be mad to me.  But my being mad might cause other people to not feel good because I’m mean right now.  I don’t feel like I want to let go of my anger just yet.  Which leads me to analyze why.  At the moment I am not feeling heard, my husband doesn’t seem really interested in my predicament (he tries to “cheer me up” by making jokes) my company isn’t interested and nobody is bringing me chocolates or tea.  So I’ve come to the conclusion that I actually just want to be a kid again, and have someone else sort everything out for me!

So don’t hold out on that time machine – let me have a turn!