A whole new world

Coming from an average white afrikaans middle class back ground, I enjoyed certain privileges all my life.  Having been stuck without transport this past week literally changed my world.  I haven’t always had it easy.  But I certainly had it way easier than the majority of people I share our country with.  I have a very liberal outlook on life and my fellow humans.  And I have never been comfortable with the “white afrikaans middle class” label, because we can say and do and be however we want, that is the label we are given.  I consider myself open minded, friendly and kind and approachable.  But this past week (and I know it’s only a few days) completely changed my point of view on quite a few things.

We as the white middle class love to sit back and complain about things.  And we are literally complaining with the proverbial white bread under the arm.  My bus rides this week again re-affirmed my strong belief in the power and importance of community and how important it is for the survival of mankind.  Let me tell you a bit about my experiences on the bus this week.

Firstly we all love to say how we don’t have proper public transport in this country.  I strongly disagree with that.  We do have proper public transport.  It may not be a luxury liner with aircon or a C class Merc but we DO have public transport.  Yes the bus is not going to drop you right on the doorstep of where you want to be, so you might have to actually walk a few metres, it will involve getting rid of a few hangups but might also help get rid of that few last kilograms.  But the point is we DO.  Taking the bus is an awesome experience, and it’s surprisingly really convenient.  The busses (so far in my very limited experience) has always been on time, it’s quicker than taking my own car, cheaper than taking my own car and it involves absolutely no stressing.  When I get to my drop off point I’m chilled, relaxed and ready to face the day at work.  Our public transport system works.

Now let me explain a bit about the rest of my experience apart from the practical.  I have always said that I love our country, and I love Africa.  There is something special about this place and if you are open to it, you can feel the rhythm of the heartbeat of Africa pulsing through your veins deep down into your soul.  We come from a divided background and neither side of the fence really understand each other, or make the effort to.  We are all very quick to generalize.  Our country has the most amazing people and we have much to teach each other.  My experience these past few days taught me much (more than I already know) about embracing people with open arms, about friendliness, about love, about consideration for others and about acceptance to name but a few.  My experience on the bus is but a micro experience but it helped me grasp, catch a slight glimpse of the greater sense of community that most of are not a part of or even aware of.  Even living the way I do, even though in my street we have a little community that is not common or part of most people’s experience.  Where we all know each other, we help out where we can.  Even that is a limited experience.  If we can let go of our stereotypes and our hangups and look past the boundaries of our white picket fences.  We will get to know and live in a whole other world.  A world where a perfect stranger will lend you a helping hand, strike up a random conversation, share a meal with you, give you a Rand when you are short, give a hug or a smile, or just sit in companionable silence.  Where there is giving without expecting anything in return because there is a deep knowing and understanding that somewhere, sometime it will indeed be returned.

My short time on the bus this week, opened my eyes to that world.  And that is the world I want to be a part of.

If you forget me

Nothing to say about this except *dreamy sigh* enjoy

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

- Pablo Neruda

The Journey

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.”~ Jean de La Fontaine

Someone said that to me once.  In my reality it feels like years ago.  But it wasn’t all that long.  Another friend posted it on their Facebook profile yesterday and it brought back a flood of memories.  Sometimes I have moments when I wish that destiny took us on a different road.  But then the reality of truth rings loudly in my ears and the moment passes.  I often ponder this road I am on, and the detours I think I take to avoid things, thinking that I have already crossed those bridges and walked those paths.  I think I want to change that word “often” in that quote to “always”.  Which ever path one chooses, one always gets to a T-junction that joins up with the exact road one took to avoid.  There is no avoiding one’s destiny, the Universe will always send you what you need but think you don’t want.  It’s inevitable.

We are all just travelers, separate in our Oneness.  And we are programmed to receive what we transmit.  And Destiny, she will always lead us to that which is intended.  It doesn’t matter what detours we take.  So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter which path you choose, it doesn’t help you try to run and hide.  So choose the path that makes your heart sing.  The one that you want to travel, the one that will take you through forests, over mountains or into the desert.  Each path will bring it’s lessons and each path will bring you to that spot that will take your breath away, that will fill you with Love and joy so that you have no other choice but to Believe.

Our lives is a journey, each a unique story.  Sometimes we have travelling companions, sometimes we travel by ourselves.  Destination unknown but the purpose is to fill our backpacks with the treasures we find along the way.  When it’s dark to let our beings shine, to explore and experience the unknown, push through our fears and limitations, fill our beings with Love. Receive those you meet along the road with open arms for however long you travel together, share what you have and should their path fork away from yours, let them go with Love.

Lightbulb moments, epic adventures and hero’s

I got something yesterday.  Some of  you may have gotten this already but for me it was rather profound.  You know how I always say that I laugh in the face of fear?  And that fear is just a thought.  Yes it totally is and I totally do.  But sometimes when I start feeling fearful or angry or sad, I sit with it.  And I beat myself up about it.  I say to myself “Self, why are you feeling scared/mad/sad?  You know better.  You shouldn’t feel like this, you know you are going to do this anyway inspite of feeling scared/mad/sad so why are you feeling it then?”  And so on and so forth.  And I realized that, it doesn’t matter who you are, what path you are on or what you know.  You could be Mother Theresa.  At some point you are going to feel scared/mad/sad.  It’s human nature.  Our ego mind never shuts up and it never stops and it never will.  It will always find something to spin a story about.  And to go and not allow yourself your feelings is just silly.  So yesterday when I was feeling scared/mad/sad (yes I felt all of those things yesterday) I stopped beating myself up about it, acknowledged it, spoke about it and just allowed the process to flow.  And what do you know.  Instantly felt better.  Awesome sauce!!  I was like “Oh so that’s what they mean when they say “have compassion for yourself”  Now I know.  Fabu!  Glitter!!  Forwards march.

In other news, I took the Metro bus to work today.  It was awesome!  It was quicker than going in my own car lol.  And the best thing of all was I didn’t have to stress about traffic.  There is such an awesome sense of community on the bus, everyone is friendly and helpful and the bus driver was so cool he dropped me almost by my office.  I highly recommend taking the bus.  Do it.

Now you all know I’m a hopeless romantic.  In my head I have an epic relationship with a yet to be met person.  I saw this today and I was like *dreamy sigh* one day when I meet that person I’m so going to give him the awesome tree book I saw at the book shop with this written on the inside:

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”
–Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Isn’t it beautiful.  I often think that my ideals for a partner and relationship might be a bit lofty, but then I laugh at myself and I think “nah” I will totally have my fairy tale relationship one day.  It’s going to be epic.  It will be everything I imagined and more.

I also saw this yesterday and I thought “yup, totally me” I am my own Hero and I will always be.  Have a happy Chooseday peeps.

Yes I am!

It’s a beautiful day ♥

It’s a gorgeous day today.  The rain is falling softly and the earth is soaked.  I love days like these.  All the green stands out in sharp contrast against the grey.  Perfect day for cuddling in bed.  Though I always feel a little melancholy on days like these.  I’m in that phase of the month where I miss people and places of days past.  The ghosts of the past is haunting me today.  And I remember with fondness and will be keeping my paws off my phone lol.  It’s great for my creativity!

Since I am carless I managed to organize someone I work with to fetch me from home, but he called this morning and said I should just work from home.  So I’m working from home today yay!  I shall be moving this operation to bed and complete all my tasks from there.  Awesome.

Also I have tentatively decided to just bite the bullet and buy a car.  I have seen 3 that I would love to go have a look at, all in my price range, the right year, the right mileage.  So if any boy people who read my blog and know me and who knows about cars feel like fetching me and being my car purchase advisor I’d be most grateful.  I can do it my way this time and will get the vehicle checked out proper before buying it.  Bottom line is that I have to have a car by the weekend, I am moving to the farm on Friday and I can’t be stuck there with no car.  Once my car is repaired I will sell it and dump the money from the sale into the new car loan thingie.  That’s my plan.

I have twice this weekend drawn from my Archangels card deck the “Life Review” card which says I need to sit down and take a look where I’ve come from, where I am and where I’m heading.  So I will be doing that soon.  It’s been some year, an awesome year, an intense year.  I have had a few people comment that I look tired LOL, I don’t think I look that bad sheesh. But ja, I’m kinda feeling the need for a bit of a break.  So a bit of a life review might be just what I need to perk me up and re-affirm my focus.   I’m on such an awesome path, so many amazing people, places and tools are crossing my path.  So many amazingly awesome things are happening.  It’s an awesome experience every step of the way.  And I’m so grateful and blessed.

Did I mention what an awesome day it is?  Go look outside.  Switch the radio off, be quiet and just listen.

My epic day

Yesterday was an awesome day, even more so than usual.  I started feeling a bit anxious about finding a tenant for the house and worked to let go of that.  Because deep down I know that everything will work out and is exactly as it should be.  I am not overly worried.  I was feeling a bit deflated about not moving this weekend as I wanted to.  But at the end of the day it was again proven that everything happens for a reason.  The guy that was going to help us move couldn’t come because his wife and child was in a taxi accident (they are both fine, the little boy has a broken leg) so all’s well that ends well.  Plus if I moved yesterday I wouldn’t have been able to see prospective tenants.  The first guy came to have a look but it was the 2nd couple that blew my mind.  It’s so amazing the kind of people the Universe sends to me.  We instantly clicked and started talking as if we knew each other for ever.  You know, like when you meet people from your soul pod.  That.  They are amazing people and even if they don’t end up taking my house, I will still keep contact with them.  But I think they are (please let them take the house).

Also, I got the most awesome news yesterday.  Just before I left work, I checked my email.  Most of it was spam (as usual) and just as I was about to delete this one particular email, I hesitated and the Universe screeched in my ear to open it.  So I did.  And well what do you know.  It was an email informing me……wait for it…….that I had WON a  competition that I entered a few weeks ago, they emailed me as I didn’t provide my cell number.   I called the number and spoke to the lady that sent the email and well it’s the best prize EVER.

I have won a trip for 2 for 6 days to Ireland!

WhooHooooo!  How much does that rock!  I have always wanted to go to Ireland, in fact I always said for my first trip abroad I would like to go to Ireland or Italy.  I am beyond excited.  I am such a blessed girl.  So abundantly blessed.  LOL my Dad says I must sell the prize and buy a car.

The only thing that pee’d on my parade was that my car will be out of action for the next 2 weeks.  The part needed apparently has to be imported.  AND I don’t have a car next week, I was using my ex mother in law’s car but because the children’s father car is also in for repairs and he is soooooo busy he is taking her car and yes so I’m kinda in a pickle.  My Mom is on contract at her job so she can’t get to work late every day, we work in complete opposite directions of each other, I can’t drop her and use her car because she needs her car to run errands and stuff at work.  We can leave the house at 6am but I can’t drop the kids at school at that time of the morning.  I tried talking to the kids father to come to some sort of solution, but I was told that it’s time for me to suffer a bit, because I have it way to easy and get everything handed to me on a silver platter.  Oh and then I was told that I abuse him (lol) after I refused to talk to him further and was told that I wanted to fight with him and shout at him (okay I may or may not have called him a poes after he pissed me off to the point where I wanted to throw the phone lol).  Okay then.  Thank GOD I don’t have to deal with that anymore and live in a world where EVERYTHING is always my fault.  Halleluyah amen!  So his solution is to let the kids stay (not with him) with his parents for the time my car is in for repairs.  LOL.  Yes, the mind boggles.  Anyhoo.  I will make a plan, something will come up, it always does.  I am getting rid of that damn car asap.

Can’t wait to see what happens in my world today.  So much of excitement!

I have been holding out

I have been holding out on some poetry, today I feel like publishing them.  I have decided to reign myself in and calm the fuck down and not be so hasty.  So I’m moving next weekend as planned.  I actually feel a bit disappointed with myself strangely.  But onwards and upwards!  Read some poetry:

Alone

Once there was but a hair’s breadth
between your heart and mine
Now I walk alone in the chasm
gaping open wound
Windswept, forlorn
My empty cries echo’ing
against jagged rock
In the blink of an eye you were gone
and so I wander alone
Until I can again find my way home

© N Kruger – 18 September 2011

Will you?

Will you be with me today
Sit with me in the meadow
and watch time slowly slip away?

Watch clouds drift by on currents unseen
let gentle wind fingers caress our face
And be hugged by the warmth of the sun

When the sun sets, will you
dance with me in the light of the moon
to the songs of crickets and frogs

Will you be with me today
Don’t worry about tomorrow
Or think about yesterday

© N Kruger – 9 September 2011

Forever mine

I want to put you in the centre of my heart
to keep forever
Safe in the centre of my palm
so I can gently close my hands around you
I want to put you in a tiny box
and carry you around in my pocket
I want you forever
To warm my heart
To make my soul smile
I want you on the same page as mine

But you aren’t mine to keep
your wings were made to fly
Your light was meant to shine
You were made for wild open spaces
To go where there is no path

So I open the box
I open my heart
And I pray that you will return
to be forever mine

© N Kruger – 8 September 2011

 

 

Yes I am

OK I’m really not trying to make everyone ill with my constant yacking about how happy I am, but you know, sharing is caring and all that.  My “deal” with the Universe is that if I’m meant to do anything it will just all fall into place effortlessly.  And so far with this move to the plot, it’s been exactly that.  Everything that I need just comes to me.  It’s freaking awesome.  So, I shall be moving my family to our new home this coming weekend.  Yay!!  I am so excited I could just explode into a ball of glitter and sparkles.  Eeeekkk I’m excited!!

Thankfully I’m über organized so the packing is going really well.  It may not always seem like it on the surface but this girl has a firm handle on things lol.  I plan to be all unpacked, organized and lying next to the pool with a quart on Sunday.  That is how well it’s going.  Don’t believe me?  I will post pics lol.

The one teeny tiny little thing about the new house is that I will have to get an extension for my pole.  I’m planning to put my pole in my bedroom in my new house and hopefully that will also motivate me to do a little bit of exercise every day. I’ve been slacking, sis!!

Then once we’ve moved in, the next mission is to get the veggie gardens going.  A bit late in the season but whatever, there’s still plenty of time.  So it’s all good.

Did I mention how excited I am?

Some deep thoughts on this Wednesday

I have a head full of thoughts today.  I am in a good space.  I’ve never been happier.  Life is good.  And I live in constant awe and amazement and gratitude for how awesome everything is.  I am so blessed.  I have my “plan” and vision for where I want to be and what I want to do.  But the exciting thing is, I never know where I’m going to end up.  I don’t know what is waiting around the very next corner.  It’s awesome.  I am really enjoying embracing life, embracing change, and finding the ecstasy in living.  There really is no point in doing anything you don’t really want to do.  I’ve learned to say “No” and to not regret.

Living is such an amazing process.  One that is in constant flux.  Nothing is ever the same, we are never the same.  And through every breath, every experience, every interaction we change, we learn.  How can one not embrace that?!  I strive to be alive in every second, to be present, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the caress of the wind through my hair, the feel of what I’m touching underneath my finger tips.  To not get lost in thoughts of tomorrow or yesterday.  But to be here now, and to create my reality from moment to moment, and when I get to the edge of a cliff to leap and soar.

Life doesn’t happen to us.  We create our experiences through what we do and think and say in every moment.  I choose to live by choice.  If something doesn’t work for me I change it.  And if I don’t change it, I don’t complain about it.  It’s as simple as that for me.  In everything I do, every relationship (friends and lovers) I have I seek joy, upliftment, ecstasy.  I don’t have time to waste, so I try to fill the time I have with things that make my heart sing.  It’s a learning process.  Sometimes I stumble, sometimes I fall, sometimes I misjudge, sometimes I get hurt.  But even when that happens, I get something good from it.  So even the bad things are good things.  Sometimes I make the same mistakes twice, sometimes I’m stubborn, sometimes I’m emo.  But I’m always me, I’m true to myself and my truth.

Sometimes I want things that I know is bad for me.  And I have to spend some time reminding myself why.  Some things don’t make sense, some things are not meant to make sense.  Sometimes we just have to accept that and carry on, leave it behind, and move on.  Remove yourself from the drama.  Once you get caught in a cycle of drama it’s hard to break out from it, but the beauty is that you can, and one should.  Drama is draining.  Drama is addictive.  But it’s empowering to recognize it and to stop playing the game.

The best thing for me right now is to be by myself.  Even though I have moments where I reach for the phone to let someone know about something awesome that happened, or something I saw.  Even though I miss hearing “I love you”, I miss being adored and touched.  There is no-one I have a relationship connection with at the moment.  And it’s teaching me a lot.  So it’s also good.  I am enjoying being by myself.  I am enjoying learning to be a whole, in my own right.  And I look forward to one day, when the time is right, meeting that person who will take my breath away, who will love every bit of me, even the ugly parts, who I will have a mutual body, mind, soul connection with.  I believe in love and I refuse to get cynical about it.

This world we live in, is such an amazing place.  You can’t find if you don’t go looking, you won’t see the magic if you don’t believe it’s there.  You won’t win if you don’t take the risk.  You won’t gain if you don’t try.  We are all dying, so make the most of your living!

My life is epic

My life is epic.  That is all.  Word.  The End.