Once in a blue Moon…

Friends, Romans, fellow countryman and other interesting creatures.

It’s that time again.  You know that one we refer to as “once in a blue moon”.  That’s now.  Today.  A blue moon is when there are two full moons in the same month.  It’s not THAT rare actually, but it’s still quite cool.  And you might want to rethink over using that statement in future.  Just saying.  Did you know that our word “month” comes from the word “moon” and folklore has defined two different kinds of blue moons, one is when there are two full moons in a calendar month, or it can be the third or fourth full moon in a season.  Now you do.  One does indeed learn something new every day, even on this here blog of mine if one wishes to.

Also, the Moon is in Pisces.  Great.  As if I’m not emo enough as it is.  What this means is that emotions/emotional wounds that need healing will come up from the subconscious, it’s time for purging, cleansing and completion.  This crap always starts a few days before the actual full Moon.  So all that stuff that you don’t want to face up to or deal with will make it’s way up to the surface.  The only thing to do is to just breathe, deal with it, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself and others and move on.  Because it’s full Moon, and even more so because it’s in a water sign and all water signs represent emotions, our senses are heightened, and we might be a tad over sensitive (not that I need any help with that). So it’s best to be quiet, by yourself and just tune in.  It’s an excellent opportunity to let go.

I’m just going to do what I always do around full Moon.  Shut the hell up, retreat into my shell, keep my head down, my heart safe and remind myself to breathe.  Until I feel less psychotic.  Until the next full Moon.  But y’all have fun now.  Have a super weekend.  And remember to go look at the Moon tonight.  Just sit there quietly and connect.  It is awesome.  Don’t mind me and my doom and gloom.

 

 

 

I must break away

Sometimes Moms need wine

So this morning was er….challenging.  Kids and I got up, got dressed, all good.  Until Christian had to go pack his lunch.  I make their lunches and get everything ready, but they have to pack it and put it in their suitcases for school.  We ran out of Nutella.  Oh my goodness what a crisis (that is sarcasm for incase you wondered).  First he said, he was not hungry, then he said he wanted toast, then he said that it’s ok he will just tell his teacher he didn’t get lunch today.  Because you see, peanut butter on his sandwich for school just isn’t good enough.  I reasoned and explained and bargained, explained about the hungry kids that doesn’t even have a dry slice of bread all of that.  Nothing.  So eventually I did what every self respecting mother would do, I told him that if he doesn’t go pack his lunch right now, his cars will be taken away for a day.  So he starts giving me cheek “well I will just go look for them” eventually I lost it.  Ms Nice Mommy went out the door.  So I said well since you are not going to pack your lunch AND you are giving me cheek, no play date for you with your friend tomorrow.

He wailed and screamed and threw himself on the floor like a little freakin hooligan.  But I really lost it when I eventually had to go pack his lunch.  He walks into the kitchen, grabs his lunchbox from my hands and tosses it across the room screaming “I don’t want this”, then kicks and smacks me.  It took everything I had not to freaking wring his little neck at that point.  So eventually I pack his lunch, get him in the car and off we go.  So when he realizes that I am serious he starts apologizing “Please Mommy just give me another chance” “I want to go live with Daddy”, I stand firm.  There will be no cars and no play date.  The kid is heartbroken and I am starting to feel like a poes.  I explain again how his behaviour was unacceptable and hopefully by giving him this consequence to deal with he will think twice next time before acting like a maniac.

I call his father to let him know about the cars and the playdate.  So don’t I get a freakin lecture about how it is indeed unacceptable that I do not have Nutella for his sandwich and that yes, he shouldn’t have to deal with 1 day of being happy with peanut butter.  But yes, his behaviour was unacceptable.  What the fuck.  Am I raising flippen brats here?!   Children who never ever have to deal with sometimes not getting what you want.  I am not.  No sirriee I am not.  Life is not a flippen 5 star hotel.  And neither is my house.  Sometimes Moms need wine before 7am.

 

 

 

People

So during my mid life/what-ever-the-fuck-it-is crisis, I have been questioning our need as humans to group together, to pair up.  To need each other.  I don’t quite know yet.  Some people say it’s the same as why flowers need the sun and the rain, others say it’s the same reason why computer coding groups itself together, apparently it’s called “the ghost in the machine”, things would rather group.  I guess it is kind of biological, like the boson higgs particle that started all of this.

I ponder the point of our life here on this planet.  There is enough for everyone, yet not everyone has enough.  Some have nothing.  Life, if I look at my own, is a series of harsh lessons, moments of intense beauty, snapshots of joy, it is made up of thoughts clanging around in my skull that fly away like butterflies when I have the courage to release them, fears and delusions chained to my heart that fall like dust to the floor when I acknowledge that they aren’t real, yet leaving scars that bleed for years and wounds with only a thin layer of healing covering them.  Happiness as fleeting as soap bubbles that pop as soon as you touch them, leaving you with soapy fingertips as a reminder.  And an undercurrent of awareness that I am alone in this world, while constantly longing for that elusive place called “home”.  A wanderer looking in from the outside.  I have always thought of life as extra ordinary, magical, beautiful and terrifying all at once.   Never knowing from one breath to the next which will be experienced.  And love as the balm to sooth my inflamed soul.  Always love.  Such a simple emotion.  Yet as is our nature, always complicating it.  If people need people, if we need each other to get by, to survive, why do we not allow ourselves to let each other in.  Why do we spend so much time hurting each other.  Why if we were made that way, to group together, to seek each other out, why weren’t we also made to understand the simplicity of the concept of love.  That to love doesn’t mean giving up something, that there are no conditions or judgments attached.   That to love each other doesn’t mean taking something away from one’s self.

I love people.  We are fascinating creatures.  My life has been and is filled with amazing human beings.  People that restore my faith in humanity, around who I can just be.  My past is also littered with people who helped put those chains around my heart.  The nature of life is change.  It’s in constant flux.  Sameness is a kind of death.  Change is required, it’s a given.  So isn’t life and love a constant lesson in letting go.  To allow change.  Change is our nature.  And as we change so do others.  As we wander, so do others.  No-one can promise another that they will be there until the last of their days.  Because of that thing called change.  That I can deal with.  That my being understands.  But my heart, that seems like it’s bravely beating “I am!” in my chest, more often than not asks “Am I?”.  My heart that has been scarred and bruised and is stitched together with good intentions and fortified with hope, has grown weary of people, so I find I keep them at arms length, I am my hearts keeper, and past experience is a harsh teacher.  I believe that one should not punish someone with the sins of others.  But still I find myself being careful who I let in.  Of late, I just find life too exhausting to be able to deal with others.  With the drama people so love to create.  With the hurt they intentionally inflict.  I was a young girl who decided that “I don’t need anyone” that if you have no expectations you can never be disappointed, I have since experienced what it’s like to choose to be open, consciously vulnerable and trusting, and now I’m not sure where I stand.  Trying to find the middle ground between being over protective of myself and giving too much of myself.  If we need other people, if it’s my intrinsic nature to “need” other people (I hate that word), I am going to make damn sure they are amazing.  Life is hard enough to deal with on it’s own, I sure as hell don’t need people around that complicate it even further.

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” ― Sylvia Plath

 

 

 

Terrified

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of it’s constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Save yourself

I have decided that I am having some sort of mid life crisis.  Do woman even have them?  The kak thing about having one is that I am not in the financial position to buy shit.  So there’s no new car/house/bike/gadgets.  I suppose I could find some boy toy to keep me occupied but I even don’t have the inclination for that.  Urgh.  The mere thought makes me shudder.

I kinda thought I was over this existential bullshit.  Had it all figured out.  Turns out, not so much.  Does one ever “get over it”?  Guess not, unless you sit on a mountaintop and meditate the whole day.  But even then I’m sure if you get thrown into the real world from the mountaintop you would probably have a wobbly.

And while I am having my personal little existential/mid life/what-the-fuck-ever-it-is crisis, the world is not standing still.  While I am.  I am standing utterly still.  While the world crashes and spins, makes noise, while people get killed and raped, while the planet is being destroyed, seasons change, while food needs to be cooked, things need to be done, bills need to be paid.  I am like Lot’s wife, a pillar of salt.  And whatever I am feeling/going through seems utterly unimportant, completely unnecessary.  A little selfish even.  And I will myself to move forward.  Do what needs doing.  Live.  Smile, laugh, work, exist.  Because it will get better.  It does get better.  It is getting better.  And as I always do, I will figure it out along the way.  Fake it till I make it.

Or something.

Because life is what we make it.  And me, I’m my own savior.

 

 

 

A girl who believes

My daughter celebrated her 9^th anniversary of her birth day today.  9 years.  It’s not only 9 years of her life lived.  But also mine.  Ours.  She became part of my life by choice, sometimes I think misguided but it was a choice made by me.  I often think that I am not quite prime parenting material.  Sometimes parenthood feels as uncomfortable to me as marriage did.  Sometimes I feel I fail miserably.  But here is this beautiful girl.  A girl who believes in magic and mystery.  I taught her that.  A girl who believes in the power of love.  I taught her that.  A girl who believes in good and truth.  I taught her that.  My children are ‘different’, they are my children after all.  But while I spent most of my life being ok with being different.  This little girl proudly exclaimes “Mommy I’m weird!  I like it!”.  I taught her that.  I encourage her to be different.  I teach her how to be ok with that.  I explain why it’s important to be yourself, to think for yourself.  To stand up for what you believe in even when everyone else thinks it’s silly.  To follow your heart, not the crowd.

My role as a parent is not to live through my children.  It’s not to give them everything I never had.  It’s not to give them a “better life”.  My role as a parent is to teach them that life is shit.  It’s hard.  People will hurt you.  You will love them and they will break your heart.  People will lie to you, they will cheat and they will be assholes to you.  You won’t always get what you want or what you deserve.  My job is to teach them to be happy with what you have.  To find joy in the simple things.  Life is not about gathering as much stuff as you can.  It all starts with you.  Life is about loving yourself.  And when you can do that it will spill out into everything else.  Life is hard.  But it is also beautiful.  It IS full of magic and mystery.  It IS full of love.  And even though you will get hurt and betrayed there are people who won’t do that, when you find them, keep them around.  When you trust your gut and you are authentic and true to yourself, you will be ok.  My job is to guide them to find their own path.  And to let them walk it.  Learn their own lessons.  Make their own mistakes.  Let them live their lives.

If I can do that for my children, I think I’ve done ok.

Happy 9th year my love ♥

 

 

 

Grief

When a tidal wave of grief crashes into you,
crushes the breath from your lungs,
strips the skin from your bones,
gripping your heart in a tight fist
so that it stops beating,
and you are gasping for breath,
salt burning the back of your throat.
Stumbling forward, too frightened to move.

Close your eyes as it rolls you over,
let it carry you from where you lie.
As it tumbles and turns you inside out
purging you from tears, breaking bone,
when it tosses you onto the stony shore.

So that when it’s done,
the storm has raved itself out
next to the lighthouse you awaken.
Bruised, amongst the wreckage
the same but different,
and able to walk away.

© N Kruger – 18 August 2012

The Universe says: Let go

Sometimes life brings you messages from the most unlikely messengers.

About a year ago I lost my necklace.  A Citrine stone on a silver chain.  I used to wear it all the time, Citrine is an awesome stone with powerful properties.  I was of course miff when I couldn’t find it but I figured that the Universe needed it back and I put it out of my mind.  I never replaced it.

Last night at the Fat Olive, everyone from the conservancy meets up at the Olive religiously on a Wednesday and we have a big visit and catch up and we eat and talk.  It’s awesome, but I digress.  Last night at the Olive, somebody that I used to know walks up to me, holds out their hand and says “I have something for you with a message” I was a bit puzzled but I held out my hand and they put the necklace that I lost in it.  The message was “let go”.

Unlikely messenger.  Timely message given all that is going on right now.

Freaky shit.

Like I said, I have lots of figuring out to do…

All is not lost?
Let go.
That which belongs will find it’s way back?

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost,
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

~ J R R Tolkien

….who the fuck knows, I’m letting go mos…..

                                                                                   

 

I will love you again.

 

Christ!  I have become one of those people.  Those annoyingly upbeat ones who always finds the positive in the shittiest situations, who believe that yes, there is always good in everything and that (gags) everything will be ok.  OK well right at this point I don’t very much look and feel upbeat, but you get my drift.  I have tried really hard to just give up, really I have, I even had a complete freaking mini meltdown and everything.  But then last night standing in the shower (don’t you also do your best thinking in the shower?) I realized/decided that I don’t want to feel this way.  And that I have always practiced what I preach, so why am I not doing it now.  I am choosing to feel topsy turvy so I can surely unchoose it.  The things that are going on for me now are (rolls eyes at self) gifts.  And I can work with them.  Some things will take longer than others, but I can’t just bury everything and pretend like it doesn’t exist.  I have to stop being so hard on myself, I have to learn to let go more.  It’s a process.  There’s a lot of figuring out to do, decisions to be made.  Leaps to be taken.  One day at a time.  One foot infront of the other.  That’s all one can do.

And yes, goddammit, life I will take you, I will love you again.  Bastard!