Life is good.

OK so another week has seen it’s arse.  It’s Friday and I’m spending the weekend with Cape Town.  My girl heart is happy.  Since he won’t be seeing me on my birthday I already got my presents – yay!  I do love getting presents, especially well thought out ones.  My Mom got me a curling iron.  And Cape Town combined the two things I loved the most – shoes and the farm.  What!?  You are thinking.  He got me *the* coolest pair of Wellies.  Like really they rock the set.  And also he’s paying for burlesque classes for me.  Yay!  The dude rocks.  But spending time with him still wins.

I’m looking forward to a weekend filled with awesome people and good times.

I have shopped way too much this month already eek.  Still don’t have a birthday outfit though, so I will have to skip that this year.  It’s not like I don’t have anything to wear.  I miss the kids.  Did I tell you guys that Christian was visited by the tooth mouse.  He says it’s a mouse not a fairy.  So the tooth mouse left money for him for his two teeth that came out at the same time.  He was super stoked.  It’s his first time.

From my blog posts it seems like I’m constantly in some emotional turmoil and I suppose I am in a way.  It’s just how I experience life.  Intensely.  That does not however mean that I’m not happy.  Because I am.  We are after all in charge of our own happiness.  And I like to choose happy.  I also choose not to dismiss or deny any other emotion I’m experiencing.  And being Cancerian and a woman, I do have loads of emotions.  But it’s all good.  Life is good.

Time to get going

Life is very much like a pendulum isn’t it.  We are constantly swinging between extremes – happy and not happy.  Because like a pendulum works once you let it go at one point it’s going to swing past the opposite end.  So we live in different degrees of happiness.  Osho reckons that one should aim to be in the middle.  I’ve been pondering this.  Being in the middle.  It seems very neither here nor there.  Not that the extremes are always a bunch of fun either.  But isn’t that the point of living.  To experience the highs and lows.  I reckon the only thing we can really do is adjust our perspective when we reach the opposite of happy, when the pendulum swings that way.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of living the life you want.  I just want to be happy for the most part.  I want to live my version of what I feel a good life is.  It seems easy enough.  The things I want, the way I want to live, yes it’s very possible.  So why am I not there, why am I not doing it.  I look at other people who do it, they make a plan, they get around it.  They do it.  They take it.  What is stopping me.  I have a thousand excuses.  Practicalities.  And I ask myself when did I stop making plans and start making excuses…

It’s not good enough.  Don’t get me wrong.  Things are fine the way it is now.  But me, I yearn for amazing.  Fine isn’t good enough.  I don’t want to settle.  I don’t want regret.  And no-one is going to do it for me.  Time to get going again…

A kind of birthday list

I don’t know why I do this to myself.  I stop exercising and before I know it, I’m slightly psychotic.  Yesterday I went for a run (I haven’t been since December!!) and I spent some time on the pole.  I feel a zillion times better.  Exercising is actually crucial to my mental health.  So yes ok, I get it, lesson learned.

It’s my birthday in a few weeks.  I do dig birthdays.  It’s the only day that I do celebrate – I don’t do all the other “days” like valentines, mother’s, father’s or whatever other else day there is, last year we didn’t even ‘do’ christmas.  So birthdays are in my world the only really special day that is just about you.  Some few people have asked me what I want for my birthday.  And to be honest I haven’t really put much thought into it.  It’s more important to have the people I love with me than getting stuff, it’s not about the presents, it’s about the presence.  Instead of doing a list I will just tell y’all what I like then you can decide for yourself.

Actually there is only one thing that I really really want, but I wouldn’t ask any of you to actually get me that unless one of you is ridiculously rich and money isn’t an object.  I just want a proper camera…oh and an iPhone…and some air tickets to anywhere in the world, LOL.  OK ja I don’t see that happening.  I do love pretty things, my heart collection needs some new additions.  Books are always good, books about the Moon, the Universe, poetry, philosophy, trees, farming & permaculture, whatever kind of books.  Also if you can buy a tree on my behalf through Greenpop, trees are good presents.  And shoes, shoes are very good presents.  My favourite fragrance is Alien by Thierry Mugler.  Uhm actually I’ll be happy with seed/seedlings also.  Actually if you follow my Pinterest account you would be able to get a really good idea of the kind of stuff I like LOL.  Anything from Miss Happ is cool also.  Or you can pay for burlesque classes for me lol.  Actually whatever you want to get is awesome, your imagination is the limit. it’s the thought that counts.  Really.

OK that felt awkward.  I’m not so much about the stuff.

Moving along.

Have a happy happy Chooseday.

Weekend Roundup – Babelas edition

My hormonally induced psychosis has been turned down to a simmer and I no longer feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.  I really didn’t have a good time towards the end of last week.  But you know, churning mess of chaos on the inside, smooth, calm and collected on the outside.  So I made it through.  I went to bed before 8 on Friday, otherwise I think I may have gone completely insane.

I had quite a busy weekend.  I constantly amaze myself how I just get shit done.  Anyway.  So Friday didn’t count, I may as well have not existed, I did however pop in for a quick visit to my friend across the road for a quick catch up session.  After which I went home, ate something, showered and got in bed and slept until I woke up at 7am.  It was market day on Saturday!  It started out as a beautiful day, people were streaming in.  And then, it started raining about 1.5hours into the market.  But in spite of the rain it was still awesome!!  It was busy, we had awesome vendors and as usual the Fat Olive’s awesome breakfast.  So it was a good albeit short market.

After the market I went off to Lindequesdrift to a friends farm on the Vaal river for her birthday.  It’s about a 1.5 hour drive which was lovely and helped clear my head a bit as well.  Her place is gorgeous, just the right amount of chill I needed, I spent some time away from everyone next to the river, watching clouds and just chilling.  I did of course had completely way too much alcohol (why!?) and  needless to say spent the rest of Sunday recovering. Really now so silly of me.  Anyway.  Back to Joburg to spend some time with Tash at a surprise party for her birthday at Gilroy’s Brewery which is on the premises of Ingwenya Glass Village.  What an awesome little spot.  But not so fun in my condition.  Had a bite to eat, chatted a bit with all the peeps and made a duck.

In spite of what you may think.  Sleep did not come easy.  I freakin tossed and turned.  Got up for a bit.  Chatted to my Mom.  Went back to bed, I was in bed way before 8pm.  And I had a restless night filled with weird dreams that I can’t remember anymore.  Alcohol is bad for you.  Clearly I need to completely over indulge at least once a year to remind myself of this.  Lekker fokken stupid.

I am busy compiling a track list for the pole.  This week sees me gracing it once more.  I want to learn aerial silks.  I want to do a lot of things that I either don’t have time for or the resources.  So many things left unsaid and  undone.  Oh well.

Only 3 sleeps.

We Hide

We hide behind paper thin walls
the thin parchment inscribed
with everything we do not say
Faded script from yesterdays hurt
tells the quiet story of how we came to be this way.

I can’t make empty promises of tomorrow
and I don’t want you to say forever

But won’t you come
from behind the parchment my love
Stand next to my shoulder
Lets whisper our story to one another
and pin it behind the door to my heart

© N Kruger – 21 June 2012

Just…

I don’t know anything

I’m not even going to pretend that I’m feeling all chipper and shit today.  I am partly hormonal and I’m having trouble identifying the irrational feelings from the actual ones from myself and the people around me.  Not sure what’s real.  So far this morning I have cried for no particular reason, just because it was too much.  I was also being a snap dragon.  And now I’m just keeping to myself, quietly sitting in my office.

My brain is running endless loops of imaginary scenarios that I would rather not be imagining though my head.  Which really isn’t helping the impending feeling of doom that I’m wearing so well today.  I would rather pretend that everything is just peachy.  Which would go a lot better if I didn’t leave the gate to the back of my mind open, the crazies are in the front yard running amok.

I do know one thing with absolute certainty though and that is that I know nothing.  We think we know shit.  But every situation you go into, you’ve obviously never been in before, is unique, you can’t know.  So we know nothing.  You can do or act in ways that you have in the past (how did that work out for you before?) or you can go with the flow, think up new ways of doing things.  But the bottom line is, we know nothing.  Life, we can only be and do what we feel is right at any given moment.  Because everything is a matter of opinion.  I may think I am proper, I live according to what I feel a proper human being is.  But someone else’s opinion on what a proper human being is, is completely different from mine.  And it doesn’t matter how much we try, other people are gonna do what they are gonna do.  This is where radical acceptance comes in.  Or you can just spend your life angry and fight a losing battle.  Speaking of which….life is a losing battle.  We are all going to die in the end.  There are no extra lives for good behaviour.

So on that seemingly negative note.  What are we to do.  Do we give up.  Behave like assholes because we can.  Do we not love someone because they may leave us and break our hearts.  Do we destroy the planet and each other because it’s all going for the dogs anyway.  What do we do?  Well, what do you want to do.  It’s up to you.  You can carpe the fucking diem and live the shit out of life.  Or you can make yourself miserable, you can be an asshole and not care.  Really you can.  You can do whatever you feel is right.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  It’s fucked up to say things like forever.  So I figure, just live, love the ones you love today because you can, because they are there and you both want to, don’t fuck it up because of a clear lack of knowing how to from the past or an unclear future.  You have today, make it count.  Let things go, that fucking asshole that cut you off in traffic, he is not your version of proper, don’t let it upset you to the point of anger.  He doesn’t care, neither should you.  You do what you feel you can live with.  The government, the banks, the oil giants, the mines, capitalism all the systems that are wrong, the ones who destroy the earth, exploit nature, animals and other humans.  It’s a lot, it’s a big system to fight, and you will feel frustrated and like giving up.  So what can you do.  You can do what you can do, you can be a responsible consumer, you can live your version as much as you can of being proper.  That’s what you can do.  You can do what you can do.  Or not.  Your choice.  You are responsible for yourself and the consequences of your choices.  That’s your challenge as a human being.  Take responsibility for yourself, for your life.  It’s in your power to try something different if it doesn’t work.

If you are down to your core, spring in your step happy.  Then continue what you are doing.  But if you are not.  It’s on you.  Change something.  Or be miserable.  It’s on you.

Wish you were here

So the school holidays are upon us.  My kids are going to their father for 2 weeks.  I always look forward and dread it at the same time.  It takes me a few days to adjust to their absence in the home.  But they always have a stack of fun and so do I, I think purely just for the break in routine.  Seeing as though I am not on holiday I have nothing planned except for a highly anticipated 4 day visit with Cape Town in exactly 7 days time – yay!

I don’t really have much to say actually.  I’m having a quiet day.  I’m using my inside voice.  Christian, the back seat driver, decided that he is going to be a race car driver when he is big.  Lila is going to be a prima ballerina.  I wish I knew what I want to be when I’m big.  Oh wait I forget, I want to be a Showgirl!  LOL.

Oh there is one thing, not sure if I should share it yet but whatever.  I quit smoking.  Again.  It’s a disgusting habit.  It’s been roughly a year since I started again.  And it’s high time to give it up again, I have no excuse.  It’s gross man sis.  So wish me luck.  I don’t anticipate me being an über bitch like I was the last time seeing as though there are no assholes that piss me off in the vicinity.  So I think I’ll be fine.  Quitting, like a boss!

Anyway to suit my melancholy mood I’ll leave you with this, wish you were here…

MPower! The Karabo Initiative

So I don’t often promote products on my blog, but you all know how I feel about sustainable solutions to everyday problems and great initiatives.  My friend Anique aka Tjoppie is involved with Ethical Co-Op which is a Cape Town (go figure) based company that supplies fresh organic fruit, vegetables and dairy in Cape Town, and, countrywide, and a wide range of products, such as herbs and spices, body products, seeds and paints. All earth friendly.  Together with Karabo, they have started the Karabo Initiative.  Now if you are a boy, this probably has nothing to do with you, but you may of course continue reading.

What is the Karabo Initiative?  ”The Karabo Initiative was created with: The vision to supply sustainable sanitary ware to impoverished women who do not have access to it or cannot afford it (they represent 60% of our SA market). The belief that MPower Menstrual cups can provide women, who do not have access to traditional sanitary ware, with a sustainable solution each menstrual cycle.”  So they came up with the MPower cup which is a menstrual cup manufactured locally in Cape Town  -  Now we all know how gross we feel when it’s that time of the month, for a lot of these woman who don’t even have access to running water or sanitation their reality is to use things like paper, newspaper, “recycled” tampons and pads and even mealie cobs.  Nevermind that the disposal of these items add to the already dismal living conditions she finds herself in.  Not that nice, can you imagine!

So what does this mean and how can you get involved?  You can purchase an MPower cup to do your bit to help reduce the 160 million tampons and pads thrown away into landfills in South Africa every year.  Over it’s lifetime it will help replace your use of roughly 1 200 pads.  And as we know, every bit helps.  If you take the Karabo Initiative Pledge by buying a MPower cup for just R195 Ethical Co-Op will donate 1 cup to an impoverished woman and all the proceeds go to Karabo.

As woman all with the same bodily functions I think we can get behind this initiative and do our bit to help someone else out as well as helping the earth and be responsible consumers.  It’s a win-win situation.  For more info you can visit Ethical Co-Op’s website.  And place those orders ladies!

Choose life!

Hello world!  It’s Chooseday!  Yes, so what will you choose today?  My darling friend Elismha posted this yesterday and I loved it so much I just had to share it.

“You are the books you read the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single second of every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colours fill your mind.”

 It just resonated with me.  A nice reminder I think.  Don’t you?  All we can do is to live!  Each day.  In all it’s different shades of grey, all the bright moments, every smell, touch, whisper, scream.  Through the dull monotony and the exhilaration.  All we can do is live.  It’s as much a part of us as it we are part of it and through our very putting one foot infront of another we shape it by our thoughts and actions.

Today, choose life!