Enjoy the ride

I’m feeling much chipper today after just taking some time out yesterday and talking to a few people about the crazy that is going on in my head.  So yay, better.  Sometimes I feel like a nutter but I’m not really LOL, just a normal girl having normal issues and it’s good that I’m dealing with them okay (she says, hiding a meat cleaver behind her back – hahahahaha no just kidding).

Discomfort, while obviously uncomfortable while in that space, is always a good thing.  Yes it is.  I asked for my boat to be rocked and to pulled from my comfort zone so when it happens I do look at it as a gift.  Because there is always something to be learned from it.  That’s the whole point.  And me, I’m all about learning and growing and sorting shit out. Although I may bitch and complain about it while in the midst of it.  When we are pulled from our comfortable comfort zones it allows us the opportunity to face whatever it is that is causing the discomfort and in doing so move another step forward.  Moving forward is always a good thing don’t you think.  Well that’s what I prefer.  Just keep going.  Life is a wonderful (although sometimes hair raising) adventure and we can either hold on for dear life and keep our eyes closed or we can throw our hands up in the air, feel that rush of adrenaline and shout “whooohoooo”!  I prefer the latter.

This weekend I’m spending time with friends, watching my son play rugby (a whole other subject) and counting down the sleeps till next week Friday.  I still need tenants for the cottage so hold thumbs for me okay.  Wishing you all a happy restful weekend.

Keeping myself busy

Until the storm has passed I’m keeping myself busy by doing travel research for our Ireland trip and making pretty things with the photos I take – here are some of my creations.

Taken this morning on my way to work just by my gate through the car window.

Until the storm has passed

OK so I’ve been trying hard to figure out wtf is up with me.  I’m all over the place and it’s not like me.  So I’m putting it down to being hormonal.  So I won’t pay any heed to the irrational thoughts and feelings that are making me feel topsy turvy this morning.   It’s nothing.  It’s all in my head.  No need to curl into a ball and cry.  So me and my head will just retreat until the storm has passed.  And we won’t raise topics and ask questions that will make us sound like an insecure, irrational mess.  So that’s that.

Then there’s this.  I found this illustration on Pinterest and when I saw it I smirked and promptly shared it.  My head works a lot that way, it’s all or nothing.  Yes, I need to find some balance.

I think I’m just going to lie low for a while.  Keep my head down and my heart safe.   So see you all on the flipside.

White noise

The space in between them,
between the corners of the room
where they sit, facing each other
from a distance that seems so close
yet so far apart
The silent space is pregnant
with unspoken doubts
suffocating fear
secret dreams and wishes
buried underneath it
The sweet fragrance of hope lingers
They smile at each other
from across the vastness of the empty room
and move their chairs towards each other
one space
Closing the gap between static white noise
and reality

© N Kruger – March 2012

Well it’s alright

You know.  Whatever.  I’m not going to stress and worry anymore – this is what I’m trying to convince myself of.  What does it help right.  We have learned this.  It does. not. help.  It gives you something to do, but does it make one feel good?  Nope.  So why do it then.

Things are the way they are and that’s that.  I feel a bit stuck at the moment.  So I’m just riding it out.  I don’t feel pushed to do something, so I’m not going to.  Just carry on and do what needs to get done, keep my head down and forge ahead.  It’s all you can do right.  Just keep moving.  And in doing that, who knows what awesomeness I might run into.   Everything is all-right.

Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please
Well it’s all right, doing the best you can
Well it’s all right, as long as you lend a hand

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
Waiting for someone to tell you everything
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
Maybe a diamond ring

Well it’s all right, even if they say you’re wrong
Well it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
Well it’s all right, as long as you got somewhere to lay
Well it’s all right, everyday is judgement day

Maybe somewhere down the road aways
Youll think of me, and wonder where I am these days
Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays
Purple haze

Well it’s all right, even when push comes to shove
Well it’s all right, if you got someone to love
Well it’s all right, everythingll work out fine
Well it’s all right, were going to the end of the line

Don’t have to be ashamed of the car I drive
Im just glad to be here, happy to be alive
It don’t matter if you’re by my side
Im satisfied

Well it’s all right, even if you’re old and grey
Well it’s all right, you still got something to say
Well it’s all right, remember to live and let live
Well it’s all right, the best you can do is forgive

Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please
Well it’s all right, even if the sun don’t shine
Well it’s all right, were going to the end of the line

Wordology

Because I don’t really have anything interesting to say today, feast your eyes and your minds on these:

I see you

I woke up this morning to a glorious day, when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was the beautiful sunrise out my window, the sky was all different hues of pink.  It was beautiful and I felt very grateful waking up in such a beautiful place every day.

I’ve had this niggly feeling the past couple of days which I have successfully ignored but I have also learned that my feelings are never there just because.    So today I’m feeling a bit uneasy, a bit of kopraas and a bit insecure.  Which isn’t a very attractive quality.   I have this thing where I don’t want to be a burden on someone, emotionally or physically.  And I’m never quite sure where that invisible line is.  How much sharing is too much and how much is too little.  Because both can be problematic.  Too little causes the other person to feel left in the dark and unloved and too much causes the other person to feel like you are demanding and draining.

This weekend I had a Quantum touch session and I spoke to a friend who is in a bit of a crisis, a cross road in her life at the moment.  We all deal with the same issues, different players and stories but the underlying issues are the same.  Am I enough, can I do this, etc etc ad nauseum.  We are all born unflawed creatures, powerful beings.  And somewhere along the way we lose aspects of our selves and we spend the rest of our lives trying to convince ourselves and realizing that we are the way we were created, perfect in our imperfection, unflawed.  We all get it right in different stages throughout our lives in varying degrees.  Sometimes we feel on top of the world and sometimes we feel worthless.  It’s how we deal with it that matters in the end, we can convince ourselves of either at any given moment.

I have an awesome support structure, an amazing group of people.  Some of them have been around for a long time and others shorter.  Some are near and some are far.  But the thing they all have in common is that they are all amazing.  Their unique strengths and weaknesses all bring different gifts to my life and I’d like to think that I bring the same to theirs.  Someone from my inner circle recently felt that I take more than I give.  Both of us have different view points and at the moment we are at a bit of an impasse.  I’d like to think that we can move past and move on.  I’m also feeling a bit of a disconnect.  To tie in with what came up in my quantum touch session it’s made me look at myself and how I interact with this group of people.  Each person in the group I have a very different relationship with so their perception of me all differ vastly.

But at the end of the day what’s important I guess is what do I think of me.  Do I adhere to my own standards.  I am very rigid when it comes to doing everything myself.  I feel like I have to.  I feel like I have to do everything myself, deal with all my emotional garbage myself.  And very often only after I have dealt with stuff I will talk about it to someone.  I am very hard on myself.  Which is something that needs to change.  I have to be gentler, more nurturing bring out those feminine qualities a bit more.  Balance the yin with the yang.  It’s still something that I am trying to find the golden midway to.  Being soft without being soft, know what I mean.  I often will keep quiet about something that doesn’t feel right to me, not because I’m a pushover but because I just don’t want to deal with the drama, the fight or the discomfort of the discussion.  So I either distance myself or I over compensate.  It’s something that I’m getting better at.  But the past couple of days I’m just not sure.  There is such a fine line between love and hate.  I think we have all been on the giving and receiving end of that double edged sword.

I try to remember that in each of us there is someone that just wants to be loved and when the ego is hurt it lashes out to protect, that’s all it is, we all just want to feel loved in spite of all our flaws and issues, for someone to see past that and love us regardless.

To take from James Cameron’s move Avatar…

I see you

I see past the outer into your inner being, I see your soul and the love you have there, I acknowledge you as a whole and not just the parts your project to the world.  I see myself in you, we are all parts of the same whole.  And because of that I can’t do anything else but to love you.

It’s up to you

Every waking moment of every day we make choices, we take decisions.  Left or right, yes or no, stay or go, pink or black, happy or sad.  We make little choices and large ones, existential and practical or seemingly trivial. Every single choice we make takes us on a certain path.  It affects our lives, the people around us and the world in little or big ways.  At any given point in time, we can only make decisions based on our current circumstances, we do the best we can with what we have.  Sometimes we make bad choices, sometimes we make excellent ones.  But you have no way of knowing the outcome until after you’ve made it.

There is no undo button, we can never take it back.  Once it’s done, it’s done.  The outcome, the consequences of our decisions is something that each individual has to take responsibility for.  It was your choice afterall, and whether the outcome or consequence is good or bad, you had a choice and you made it.  Making choices is sometimes such an unconscious act we often don’t think about the consequences.  And sometimes we just don’t know what the consequences would be inspite of all our imagining.  For all our planning and trying to control it’s all a bit of a gamble really, you can never be quite sure.

So all we can do is to make choices the best possible way we can, from the heart, and hopefully with a bit of consciousness.  We can live with the consequences.  We can become prisoner to the consequences of our choices or we can simply choose to make a different decision.  At the end of the day we have a choice.  And nothing ain’t ever gonna change if you don’t make one…

What will you choose today…?

Gorgeous Chaos

I always say that if you don’t have something good to say then don’t say anything at all.  It’s taking every ounce of energy I have today to keep my thoughts focused on the positive and to not go over to the dark side.  The kids are with their father this weekend and I have nothing planned.  I do feel like doing something fun though.  Dunno what yet.  I think I will just immerse myself in work.  Y’all have yourselves a fabulous weekend now.

I like chocolate cake.

So you’ve never had chocolate cake before.  In your life chocolate cake doesn’t even feature in your consciousness, you never feel like having a slice or miss it at all.  Every now and then you see the chocolate cake and you wonder what it might taste like but it doesn’t really bug you, because you decided that you need to abstain from cakes and that sort of thing.  Then one fine day a generous helping of the most devine, multi-layered, awesome’est piece of chocolate cake is put right in front of you on a very handsome plate.  You tell yourself that you shouldn’t, but you pull the plate a bit closer and you inspect the cake from a short distance.

The cake is really engaging and you pull it a little closer still.  Until finally you take a tiny piece on the tip of your finger, you poke your tongue out slightly to taste it.  ”Very more’ish” you think.  You pick up the cake fork and spear a fair sized helping of chocolate cake onto it, you close your eyes and close your lips around it.  That chocolate cake explodes in your mouth in an array of amazing textures and tastes and tantalizes and teases your senses.  You ask yourself what ever took you so long to indulge in it’s delights as you savour every last crumb.   You discover that you really dig this particular chocolate cake.

So now you’re screwed.  Because over indulging is never good.  And also you have a strong preference for this particular chocolate cake, that you can only get at a certain time at this particular place.  So you make special arrangements to have this cake as often as you can.  Life carries on and you go about your day and you live your life.  But every now and then when your thoughts wander off you find yourself smiling at the thought of that chocolate cake and you miss having it.

That’s the thing with life isn’t it.  You never know what you’re missing until you’ve tried it.  And you have to try as many things as you possibly can because how would you know what it’s like if you don’t.  Go out there and try new things, find the things that make your heart sing that will bring bright sunshiny joy into your world.  It could just be the very thing that makes your life that extra bit of more awesome.  You won’t know if you like it or not if you don’t try.  So go on, try.

Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.