Teeny whine

OK before I do anything let me just get this off my chest.  By the time I got to work this morning I felt like crying.  I can not do this anymore.  I don’t complain about the distances I drive because it’s a choice I made and I do it happily because one cannot put a price on the quality of life we get living where we do.  But for me personally I just don’t see the point of sitting in 4 hours of traffic a day, going to an office and doing a job that I am just as capable of doing anywhere I am, just to do it all again tomorrow.  What the fuck is the point of that.  Companies should really wake the hell up, yes for some jobs and some people it is necessary to physically be where ever the companies offices are, but for lot of people it’s not and that amounts to a colossal a waste of their time.  I know that I am not quite ready yet to quit my job and work for myself full time, but this sure as hell is motivation to kick that plan into overdrive.  I just can’t anymore.  Don’t want to.  I’m just frustrated which is bad because I don’t want to make hasty decisions, I need patience.

OK *big breath* now that that is said.

Yesterday rocked.  Yes it did.  I had such an awesome evening with awesome people and it was  so good seeing my person.  Girl is happy.  Today I need to send off a proposal and call a few people for work for my little business venture.  Need to get this ball rolling in a big way.  The only way to make a change is to, well…make it.  Urgh maybe I should start playing the Lotto just to fast track the process, my odds are just as good as anyone else’s.  I totally get why some people just marry anyone or stay in crap relationships for financial security.  I personally wouldn’t sell my soul like that, but I get it.

Isn’t it strange how we can be perfectly happy and content and totally not at the same time?!  I still feel like crying.  And I want hugs.  I just need a minute to regroup….

Have a fabulous day everybody.  Be the change!

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live! – Bob Marley

Dear World…

As of now and officially recognized by the Republic of South Africa in all 11 official languages, meet Nicoline Kruger, or as referred to by those who love me, Nicci or by very few but most special ones, Nica (don’t one of you bastards dare call me Nicoline). Yes, I am now officially back to my maiden name.  Yay me.  Got my ID and passport all sorted and I can now conquer the world as myself, officially.

Today is an awesome day.

I started it off with a most amazing meeting with a potential client for my new business.  But can I just say, “Universe, why doth one tempt me so!!!”  They offered me a really cool permanent position.  Which I declined but I totally would’ve taken if it wasn’t for my new little business.  I did however manage to convince them to still use me on a retainer basis and see how it goes!  So all good.  I love working with that company they are really just all kinds of awesome.

After that I went to the Department of Home Affairs in Randburg.  I must say I was impressed, they were efficient.  However, while I was waiting in line for my passport their systems went offline.  And immediately my mind jumps to practicalities and I’m thinking “backlog” so I shimmy up to to the counter (I really did shimmy because I’m wearing sky high heels today) and this is how the conversation went down:

Me:  Hi, can’t I go for my fingerprints so long while the systems are down, then when it’s back up I can just submit and go?
Frowny lady:  No
Me:  Why?
Frowny lady:  No
Me:  But why?
Frowny lady:  It’s a procedure
Me:  Yes I know but your systems are down and the ques are getting longer, don’t you think it will be better if we all go do fingerprints so long then there isn’t such a backlog when the systems come back on
Frowny lady:  No
Me:  Ah come on, it’s an excellent plan!  Take some initiative, think out the box (said smilingly might I ad) let’s make life easier
Frowny lady:  No
Me:  *shrugs* I tried, okaaaay *goes to sit down*

So as you can see there is no room for initiative in government departments.  Sheep like mentality.  Eish.  But we carry on.  The Department of Home Affairs is a really interesting place, red tape aside.  You meet the most interesting people there, it’s awesome.  I went to the bathroom and on the way there, this guy and a friend standing outside goes “hey Celine Deon” so I look and he laughs and goes “you look like someone famous I wanted to ask you for your autograph” LOL!  So I laugh and go “I can still give it to you so that one day when I am famous it will be worth a lot of money” which he thought was hillarious, anyway it was funny, not creepy because he wasn’t hitting on me.  There are awesome people in the world and if we don’t walk around with a scowl on our faces, we give ourselves and them the opportunity to engage in conversation.  His name is Wayne, I said that when I am famous I will give him full credit as my first official fan.  I also had random conversations with a load of other people, it’s cool, I like that sort of thing.  People are fascinating creatures.

All of the above awesomeness aside, the next set of even more awesomeness awaiting me later today is that I get to see my person.  He is here.  In Joburg.  This is the best day ever!!!  I hope your Chooseday is also awesome peeps.  Toodles!

Life. Nananana. Life is life.

Keeping in mind that it’s my standard kopraas time of the month (FFS, gee-cee-em, and goddammit) I am struggling a bit at the moment.  On the outside I am my usual shiny happy positive self but on the inside it’s like cat vomit in a tumble dryer.  Not pretty.  I don’t normally talk much about my kopraas at this time of the month because I am irrational and I recognize it, so I just quietly deal with it myself on the inside, I keep it very contained and I don’t take my shit out on other people to the best of my ability.  But what I did this weekend really put me in overdrive.

I don’t feel better about euthanizing my cat, I know it was the best thing for him and I wouldn’t have wanted him to die alone.  But I am disgusted with myself.  Maybe I’m over dramatic but that’s how I feel.  Before I was Nicci.  Now I’m Nicci, the person who kills cats.  I feel that if we as humans can make decisions like that over animal’s lives then we should be able to make decisions like that for humans as well.  The same argument applies.  If I’m drooling and pissing my pants what quality of life is that?  And if I ever get like that one of you bastards better make a plan to off me.  Then you can join me in being <your name>, the person who kills Nicci’s.  Because see for me, a life is a life.  It makes no difference if you are an ant or a shrimp or the queen of freaking England.

Urgh.  Anyways.  I’ll get over it.

Other than the self inflicted emotional dramas I am dealing with.  The general awesomeness continues.  My little business venture is taking off really nicely and when I am all proper you can bet your ass I will engage in some shameless self promotion on this here blog.  I am very much looking forward to this week, I have some awesome meetings and I get to spend some time with my person who is here in Joburg for a visit.  Awesomesauce.  I have serious wanderlust at the moment and the sound of a road trip is very appealing or disappearing into a forest somewhere.  Sometimes it’s good to just get away.

I’m so very grateful for my Mom, I was sick as a dog this weekend and having her with us gave me the opportunity to just stay in bed and get well.  Which is exactly what I did.  And what do you know I’m healed!  Being sick just sucks donkeyballs.  I don’t really want to actually talk about this weekend.  So I won’t.  But I’ll leave you with this awesomeness that showed up on my Facebook feed this morning.  Have an amazing week people.  Remember:  Live free!  Do epic shit!

Come

Ride with me
leave this neighborhood of longing
take the road to unknown places
Let the wind tangle your hair
and walk barefoot
through this desert of dreams
Lay with me
on this bed of nails
and in the morning
we will shake stardust from our eyes
and brush clouds from our hair
Wash each others sweat
from this mountain stream
of unspoken words
and whispered secrets
Open the door and come with me
Until we reach the end
and leave this car abandoned…

Some days are more challenging than others

I have been very privileged that I have never really lost someone close to me, like in my immediate circle.  I view death differently to most people however and I find it easier because of my beliefs to make peace with the circle of life.  I woke up this morning with such a deep sadness and a fair amount of hormonally induced unrelated kopraas so the last thing that I wanted to deal with is the possibility of making a decision to end a living beings life.

I am pro-choice in all things.  It’s up to each and every one of us how we choose to live our lives because ultimately we have to each live with the consequences of our decisions and we have to do what is best for us in any given moment.  I don’t eat meat because I don’t agree with the way that whole industry is run and I have issues with killing living beings to end up as a steak on my plate when I have other alternatives to feed and nourish my body which doesn’t entail killing a living being.

When we decide to have pets, it’s in my opinion the same responsibility and the same rules apply as when we decide to have children.  When we have a pet, we take responsibility for that beings life to care for it and to give it the best possible life.  I have had Pinnie for about 9 years, I got him when he was 8, he has been with me throughout my marriage, my faithful shadow.  But as I have recently mentioned his health has deteriorated a bit.  I took him to the vet this morning, who confirmed that he had a stroke and that there is pressure on his brain. Which is why he is struggling to walk and totally disorientated.  Even though he is eating he is getting skinnier and skinnier.  She said that we can try to treat it but that it is probably kinder to let him go.  I chose to try the treatment.  He has been given medication and I have to take him back in tomorrow morning so that she can assess him.  The medication should show an immediate improvement.

I don’t know how to make this decision.  How do I make a conscious decision to kill him.  I know the argument that it is crueler to let him live this way.  I know.  But it’s still me deciding to inject a being that I love with a lethal substance for the purpose of killing them.  I don’t even kill ants.  I always believe that nature will take care of things like that.  At what point do I as a human with a limited capacity of understanding the grander scheme of things step in and make a decision to end another living beings life.  I don’t know.  I’m struggling with this a bit.  I will have to decide soon though.  Unless he shows an improvement on the meds.  So maybe I should place my focus on that for now and cross that bridge when I get there…

Some days are more challenging than others.

Some days I don’t want to have to be strong for everyone, I want someone to be strong for me.

/emo moment over

Germ invasion

Urgh people.  Germs have invaded my body, I’m all bunged up and my brain is swaddled in what feels like cotton wool causing my synapses to misfire.  What normal people would refer to as sick or a head cold, maybe sinus.  I don’t fek’n know.  Whatever.  At least I look pretty today even though I don’t feel it.  I’m not a fan of getting sick.  It’s terribly inconvenient.  I’m always a bit disappointed when I get sick, which luckily doesn’t happen often, I like to think of myself as indestructible.  Robocop doesn’t get sick, neither does Chuck Norris or Yoda or Darth Vader or Spock.  You know.  Gmf.

I guess it’s just the Universe’s way of telling me to slow down a bit.  As my friend Mrs Rautenbach reminded me yesterday, it’s the year of patience for me and if I don’t listen the Universe is sure to deliver a swift kick to my titanium balls.  LOL I love my friends.  Seeing as I have learnt my lesson in this regard many times over, I will comply and take it easy this weekend.  I have been super busy and on the go the past few weeks and haven’t paid much attention to me.  So I will use this opportunity to regroup, hit that internal F5 button.  I will however do some reading and research it doesn’t require me to get out of bed, surely that’s acceptable….right?

I have to be all better by Sunday as I’m babysitting Laura’s many childrens plus I wouldn’t want to make other people sick.  Next week I have to be in ship shape condition!    So people’s y’all have yourselves a fabulous weekend.  Please don’t be boring.  Keep it real!

When you’re inspired, you activate dormant forces, and the abundance you seek in any form comes streaming into your life. – Dr Wayne Dyer

Action

ac·tion

noun \ˈak-shən\

1. [UNCOUNTABLE] the process of doing something, especially in order to stop a bad situation from developing or continuing
2. a word belonging to the part of speech that is the center of the predicate and which describes an act or activity
3. the bringing about of an alteration by force or through a natural agency

Action.  We all talk about it.  But how many times do we choose to sit back, procrastinate or make up excuses about why we can’t take action.  We do this without even realizing.  The only way your life or circumstances will ever change is if you take action.  Physical action.  Do something.  No amount of whining or planning or talking or dreaming about it will ever change anything for you.  Yes it’s uncomfortable.  Yes it’s scary sometimes.  But if you are going to whine about something but do nothing about it then stop whining and deal with it.  Word.

I am of course talking about myself as well.  It’s oh so easy to whine.  And there are always a thousand excuses if you look for them.  But there comes a point where you either have to take action, or not, and if you don’t, make peace with your circumstances and shut the fuck up.  This past year has been filled with moments like that for me.  And recently I have been pushed and driven to once again take action.  In a big way.  So I did.  And so far it’s all going swimmingly.  Exciting stuff.  It’s amazing how when your focus shifts from inaction to action how opportunities present themselves and the right people and tools just magically appear.

And once again I realize that I am the only person that can ever change anything for me.  I am my own hero.  The proverbial steering wheel is in my hands.  But even though it ultimately is up to me to change anything for me.  It’s awesome having a bunch of equally amazing people in my life who cheer me on, give advise and who has my back.  People who believe in me and recognized things in me and what I am capable of way before I did.    My life is pretty darn awesome right now.  And as usual I’m filled with gratitude and awe.

Take action people.  Make those decisions that will change your life, don’t put it off.  Do the things you keep putting off.  Wake up and live!

Sunshine!

Ag jittetjie tog mense!  I’m just a regular ray of sunshine!  No wait.  Regular….  An extraordinary ray of sunshine.  Yes that’s me.  This girl is busy and rocking it!  I have a few things up my sleeve and busy putting everything in place!  I’m going through a bit of a writing slump at the moment, even blog wise.  But that’s also ok.  Cycles right.  But everyone is just fab.  Can’t complain and have no inclination to.  Christian swam without his floaties which is super cool.  And Lila is really funny, she has a bit of a twisted sense of humour like her mother.  Pin (my cat) is not doing worse but not much better either, although he is starting to walk around more.  It’s painful to see though.  But we are making him as comfortable as possible.  And I’m looking forward to next week.  Yes I am.

People.  Remember!  I have my awesome Trees for Zambia project going still, please donate whatever you can.  Pretty please.  Do it for me.  Do it for the planet.  Your children.  Whatever rocks your world.  Just do it.  Thanks *kiss kiss*  Have a fabulous Wednesday peeps and don’t get too depressed over the budget speech m’kay!  Just live!

 

I have no song

I always have a song or songs in my head.  The inside of my mind is a continueous play of music.  I’m miff, I haven’t had a song, for 2 days!  Maybe it’s because I’m pre-occupied with a million other things at the moment.  None of which unfortunately and much to my complete and utter dismay I can share here.  Biting my tongue big time all over the place these days people!  Not in a bad way though so it’s not like I’m suppressing anger or annoyance or anything that would give me a dreadful disease from holding it in, so not to fear.

So I’ll keep this post short because other than saying what I can’t say I don’t have much to say.  Say that fast 5 times!  Things are chugging along splendidly at the moment.  I can’t complain.  And just because I can and it’s one of my favourite tracks posted by a friend this morning I’ll share some music inspiration with you guys today.  Have a super Chooseday mense!  Be kind!

Awesomeness!

Isn’t it amazing how when you make a decision and you don’t worry about the how, but take the steps towards achieving the end result the Universe just conspires to make things happen.  It is being proven to me once again.  Some amazing things have been happening recently and I am as usual in awe and gratitude.  Plus trying to keep a level head and not get too swept up in a wave of unconscious excitement.  Wow I feel all growed up.  OK not really but you namean (and if you still don’t know what namean means you have to watch this)?

I must be honest and say that I do off course have a niggling of fear but that won’t keep me from going forth.  Fear is something that we will always have, it’s how you deal with it that matters.  Are you going to let it keep you trapped or are you going to face it, move forward and watch ‘miracles’ unfold?  Acknowledge it, deal with it and go forward in spite of it.  Change or starting new things is always a bit frightening because what is familiar makes us feel safe.  The feeling of safety is of course an illusion and as we know, once the change has taken place we always go “now that wasn’t so bad”.

Right now, amazing things are happening for me, I have amazing people in my life and all of this is bringing about awesome, exciting changes, changes that will align me with the ultimate goal.  That will allow me to be authentic in all areas of my life.  So yes I’m totally grinning like an idiot and doing a little booty shake!  Watch this space people!  Mama’s gonna paint this town red!