I’m in a bit of a weird space. As always I work through it and I examine everything that is coming up for me so it’s all good. I dunno maybe I’m just hormonal also? Be that as it may in my book it’s better to be conscious of it all than just blindly reacting to emotional stuff. I find myself uncharacteristically irate in general and a bit unsure and maybe a bit frustrated, not sure working through it still (not to fear though I won’t bite your head off for nothing). I tend to be hard on myself it’s a deeply ingrained thing that I’m very conscious of so I am constantly reminding myself to be gentle and to not beat myself up over things, I’m only human afterall. On top of that I find myself extremely sensitive to noise at the moment I want to run away from it asap, which doesn’t help seeing as though my family is extremely loud lol, I hid in my bedroom yesterday a lot and said “shhhhtttttt” a lot.
As we know people in our lives are our mirrors and whatever reactions or emotions are triggered is just showing them or us things we need to closely examine within ourselves. The one thing I’m working with at the moment – some people has perceived me as needy in the past. Now besides from the obvious mirror effect as in me showing them their stuff. I am looking at myself regarding that. I don’t feel needy, I don’t perceive myself as needy. I don’t need anything from anyone or anyone. I like to think that I choose to have people in my life and vice versa and the emotional support and contact we have with each other is something that everyone chooses. I must admit that the small voice of the ego mind (note I said small voice) does catch me off guard sometimes and whispers “But are you good enough” I think everyone has that though surely? And all it takes is managing it. Anyways because I’m (maybe overly) conscious of it and also being sensitive to other people’s energy I know when I need to give people space and I do. I’m still sorting it out in my head, getting there, because logically I don’t think I am needy.
What I’m also asking myself right now is if I read too much into things that happen. I am a “jump in with everything at the drop of a hat” kind of person. I don’t hold back. When I give, I give it all, when I do, I do it 100%. I live with an open heart, open arms and I allow myself to be as vulnerable as I can. Does that make me an “easy target” I guess it can if you let it. I have however, strengthened my resolve and I refuse live any other way. I don’t want to be weary and cautious, I can maybe take smaller steps instead of leap though (although I prefer to leap). I would rather have tried and lived and experienced everything from the moment than to have sat in fear and not experienced and learned at all. That counts for life in general, and people, friendships and more than friendships. I do realize however, my assumption that everyone lives that way is something that I need to be more conscious of, because most people don’t and maybe that can scare them. Isn’t it better to let someone see all of you from the start than give it to them in small doses and they end up feeling like they don’t know you at all? I’m a bit unsure of myself at the moment so I’m saying all these things more as a reminder to myself, a friend gave me a stern talking to and said that just because a couple of people said that they loved me but they don’t want to be with me (or pretended to love me) it shouldn’t make me doubt that I am awesome and that people actually do want to spend time with me/be around. I guess I have some unresolved abandonment issues LOL. But she is right. It doesn’t actually matter, because I am awesome, and the people who see and accept me and all my quirky weirdness and mind blowing awesomeness (lol) stick around. Which is why they are still around after all these years.
Aaah there, it always makes me feel better and make sense of things when I get it out my head. So thanks for reading my probably incoherent (to you) ramblings. I hope you all have a super Chooseday ♥ may the force be with you.
“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” ~ Anais Nin