For me

I’m in a bit of a weird space.  As always I work through it and I examine everything that is coming up for me so it’s all good.  I dunno maybe I’m just hormonal also?  Be that as it may in my book it’s better to be conscious of it all than just blindly reacting to emotional stuff.  I find myself uncharacteristically irate in general and a bit unsure and maybe a bit frustrated, not sure working through it still (not to fear though I won’t bite your head off for nothing).   I tend to be hard on myself it’s a deeply ingrained thing that I’m very conscious of so I am constantly reminding myself to be gentle and to not beat myself up over things, I’m only human afterall.  On top of that I find myself extremely sensitive to noise at the moment I want to run away from it asap, which doesn’t help seeing as though my family is extremely loud lol, I hid in my bedroom yesterday a lot and said “shhhhtttttt” a lot.

As we know people in our lives are our mirrors and whatever reactions or emotions are triggered is just showing them or us things we need to closely examine within ourselves.  The one thing I’m working with at the moment – some people has perceived me as needy in the past.  Now besides from the obvious mirror effect as in me showing them their stuff.  I am looking at myself regarding that.  I don’t feel needy, I don’t perceive myself as needy.  I don’t need anything from anyone or anyone.  I like to think that I choose to have people in my life and vice versa and the emotional support and contact we have with each other is something that everyone chooses.  I must admit that the small voice of the ego mind (note I said small voice) does catch me off guard sometimes and whispers “But are you good enough” I think everyone has that though surely?  And all it takes is managing it.    Anyways because I’m (maybe overly) conscious of it and also being sensitive to other people’s energy I know when I need to give people space and I do.   I’m still sorting it out in my head, getting there, because logically I don’t think I am needy.

What I’m also asking myself right now is if I read too much into things that happen.  I am a “jump in with everything at the drop of a hat” kind of person.  I don’t hold back.  When I give, I give it all, when I do, I do it 100%.  I live with an open heart, open arms and I allow myself to be as vulnerable as I can.  Does that make me an “easy target” I guess it can if you let it.  I have however, strengthened my resolve and I refuse live any other way.  I don’t want to be weary and cautious, I can maybe take smaller steps instead of leap though (although I prefer to leap).  I would rather have tried and lived and experienced everything from the moment than to have sat in fear and not experienced and learned at all.  That counts for life in general, and people, friendships and more than friendships.  I do realize however, my assumption that everyone lives that way is something that I need to be more conscious of, because most people don’t and maybe that can scare them.  Isn’t it better to let someone see all of you from the start than give it to them in small doses and they end up feeling like they don’t know you at all?  I’m a bit unsure of myself at the moment so I’m saying all these things more as a reminder to myself, a friend gave me a stern talking to and said that just because a couple of people said that they loved me but they don’t want to be with me (or pretended to love me) it shouldn’t make me doubt that I am awesome and that people actually do want to spend time with me/be around.  I guess I have some unresolved abandonment issues LOL.  But she is right.  It doesn’t actually matter, because I am awesome, and the people who see and accept me and all my quirky weirdness and mind blowing awesomeness (lol) stick around.  Which is why they are still around after all these years.

Aaah there, it always makes me feel better and make sense of things when I get it out my head.  So thanks for reading my probably incoherent (to you) ramblings.  I hope you all have a super Chooseday ♥ may the force be with you.

“The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself.” ~ Anais Nin

I’m a chop!

OK before I bore you all with the details of what I did the weekend, let me just tell you that I went for my second interview this morning.  I was there for 2 hours!  So I think it’s safe to say they like me?  Dunno just a hunch.  Anyhoodle I had to email the owner a few thoughts which I did, so hold thumbs.  My head actually hurts haha.  Dudes my brain is just exploding with ideas at the moment.  If I get this job my life would be damn near perfect.  It’s so closely tied in with the way I live, believe, think and feel, what more could I want.  So it’s up to the Universe now, if it’s meant to be, it will be.

So now that that is out the way.  The whole weekend I was under the impression there is a piece of contact lens stuck in my eye.  Turns out I’m a chop and I was wrong.  The bump thingie that I thought was the lens is actually a little growth which the optom says is perfectly normal and lots of people have it.  Who knew?!  And I can only laugh at myself oh my word!  Gauging my eye out almost.

I had a busy weekend.  But good busy.  The kind that was filled with the awesome faces of the people I love. I went to the Olive on Friday night which is always great.  And had an awesome visit with all the peeps from around the conservancy and maybe a few too many beers.  Kids had athletics on Saturday morning.  Did you know (maybe it’s just me) I could not pick out my kids between all the other similarly dressed kids all grouped together.  Yes, yes whatever if you are thinking “call social services”, they all look the same ok.  Anyway, the eldest is not really interested in this running thing and she took to the field in a slow jog.  The youngest is more driven but he was so busy looking at his friends on either side that he kinda lost focus on the race and also didn’t place.  I am not ashamed to admit that it suited me just fine because it meant I could get out of there and go home to where the peaceful and quiet is.   Well after the athletics I visited my friends across the road then popped over home for a visit with my cousin and aunt who I haven’t seen in YEARS.   On Saturday night my neighbor messaged me and asked if I am home and if I had whiskey and declared she would see me in a bit.  She promptly arrived with a bottle of whiskey and we proceeded to have a lovely chinwag and a couple of civilized whiskey’s on the stoep.  On Sunday we had friends and their 3 kids over and had lunch at the Olive and a friend of mine visiting from Cape Town joined us as well.  So it really was an awesome social weekend.

Besides from the fact that I got a bit paranoid with my imaginary eye issue and some other stuff that I will blatantly not discuss because it’s not approved for public consumption yet haha!

Oh and let me just tell you guys that it’s bad to lie and that instant manifestation is no joke!  I had to tell a little fib to my current boss about where I am this morning during the time of the interview.  So my eye issue lent a perfect excuse (I did actually go to the optom by the way) and I thought on my way “I will just say traffic was heavy also”.  DUDES!  I totally manifested heavy traffic!  For no apparent reason traffic was a total clusterfuck this morning.  I left the same time I always do and where I always just breeze through I was stuck everywhere.  I was just in time for my interview.  So!  Careful what you wish for!  It’s no joke.  Thoughts become things, choose the good ones!

Hello….is it tea you’re looking for?

You might get sick of hearing this but I’ll never get sick of saying this – I absolutely LOVE where I live *happy sigh* when I drive in there it’s immediate bliss.  Another great thing that I find much joy in is my veggies.  Yesterday I harvested my very first beans and radishes, tasty!  And I did a little booty shake.  It’s too awesome!  Even though I felt a bit drained I went for a walk which always helps to get my energy levels up.  I was feeling a bit frustrated yesterday  because I feel so tired by the end of the day but then I realized that I actually have a really long day, wake up at 4:30am, work until 4:30pm and get home at about 6:00pm so it’s to be expected I guess, that’s life *shrugs* but at least in accepting that I don’t beat myself up about feeling tired and that also helps.

Just yesterday I said that I am trying to not think too much and needless to say there are two things that is giving me a bit of  a kopraas at the moment.  Urgh!  Really now Self how many times must we go over this?!  I am a silly silly girl.  I will stumble onwards regardless though and que sera sera ya know.  Whatever.

Even though I went to bed really early last night I struggled to wake this morning, so I didn’t have my usual cup of tea on the stoep daily zen start to the day.  Which is ok I didn’t rush though so I don’t feel too bothered.  We got going on time and driving along to work it suddenly felt like someone hurled a boulder into my eye from outer space.  I think I may have said “motherfucker” out loud (yes I have a terrible potty mouth – must’ve been a sailor in a previous life, whatever) luckily I was stopped at the traffic light and whaddaya know, my freaking contact lens tore I think a chunk of it is still in my eye, I haven’t gouged it out yet.  I’m ok without it and I’ll just look through my right eye if I can’t focus today haha!  Maybe a different perspective will help with the above mentioned kopraas lol.

This week I saw some really insanely funny things floating around on Facebook, I have a bit of a twisted and quirky sense of humour so I’ll share my top funniest things of the week with you, they are my top ones because I still burst out into an uncontrollable fit of giggles whenever I think of them.  And there I go again – I hope you also have a laugh, it’s the best medicine!  Have a fabulous weekend y’all.

For those of you not in the borders of South Africa - Spar is a supermarket chain

I hope you dance!

So I bet you guys are dying to hear how it went with my interview (remember the über cool position I applied for in December?).  I went for the interview this morning and I just love this company and their way of thinking, it’s really something I feel passionate about and *I* think that I will rock 10 kinds of sets out of this job!  The interview went well I think and I will hopefully hear by Monday latest if I am invited back for a 2nd interview.  Hopefully I blew them away with my awesomeness and they will give me a whirl.

In other news – Meh not much is happening really.  Which is good I guess  life is cruising along splendidly at the moment and things are all shiny and happy and awesome. I went to the Olive last night and hung out with the peeps there, I actually had a great time and did much of talking and beers.  It’s awesome feeling part of a community and having the Olive right there in the conservancy, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, plus I don’t have to drive far, win-win situations all round.  Life is such an awesome happening and I’m having the time of my life just going with the flow of it.  It feels good to not resist and just welcome whatever comes my way with open arms.

I’m exploring uncharted territory at the moment and it’s exciting.  So I’m practicing not over-analyzing things and over-thinking it too much.  Too much thinking is never a good thing as we know.  So I’m just taking it as it comes and whatever will be will be.  And on that note I leave you with this quote I found yesterday - I hope your heart dances through this Thursday.  Have a good one peeps!

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance. Never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making. Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter. When you come close to selling out- reconsider. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. ~ Written by Lee Ann Womack

There are no such things as problems

 

This came up twice with me already in the time I have been awake today and it’s something that I find rather frustrating at times in other people.  Maybe I’m in the minority in my outlook on life in always looking for solutions and not at problems.  It’s one thing that I say a lot to my kids as well “for every problem there is a solution” .  In my mind, there is no such a thing as a problem.  This ties in closely with my belief that our thoughts are energy and that which we put out is what we attract into our consciousness.  I don’t think a lot of people even realize that they do this, look at everything that could go wrong instead of focusing on the things that can go right.  And I realize that it’s often just fear.  So there are two things we need to be looking at here, fear and to be conscious of our thoughts.

When you are presented with an opportunity or faced with a challenging situation, what do you do?  What are the things that are going through your head.  Take careful notice of the things you are saying or thinking in that moment.  When we allow fear to take control, we spiral into panic and we only see potential pitfalls, problems and a great huge big mountain that can’t be overcome.  But when we allow ourselves to view the “problem” or opportunity with curiosity and change our perspective on it it can become a chance for us to consciously face our fears and to see it for what it is – a gift.  And solutions present themselves because we are not focused on everything that can wrong.  It takes effort to be conscious of our thinking and our inner dialogue and it’s very easy to slip into outdated thought patterns that doesn’t serve our highest good.  It’s easy when we are not conscious to slip into fear and become focused on all the big bad scary monsters out there in the world.  But the rewarding thing about watching our thoughts and to make a conscious effort to redirect our thinking to positive outcomes is that fear takes a back seat and a whole new world opens up to us.  Thinking positively doesn’t mean being in denial or living in a dream world it simply means that we are looking for solutions, we are being mindful of our attitudes and in doing that we attract more of the same.

Again it is all about what you choose.  When you are involved in a bumper bashing for instance, does it feel good to fly into a rage and to think about all the admin and the inconvenience of going without a car for a few days?  Or does it feel better to get out your car and be the person who is calm, sorts everything out and maybe zip around in a cool rental or be chauffeured around for a few days.  Maybe the bumper bashing sparks of a new way of thinking for you and the other person, maybe it is a reminder to be more aware, maybe it results in a wake up call that sparks of a brand new life path, or maybe a karmic debt has been paid off.  There is nothing one can do about something that has already happened, it’s done, the only thing we can control is how we re-act to it.  How we handle it from that point on.  It is pointless to get frustrated about something that you can’t change or about something that hasn’t happened yet.  So the best thing is to focus on right now and what needs to be done in this moment.  The rest always sorts itself out.  Things are very rarely as bad as we make it out to be in our heads.  So don’t allow fear and our ego minds to make up stories.  Just take it as it comes.

Just a moment

On an ordinary day, in an ordinary moment
You slip inbetween the lines of my defences
and my heart pulls into a tight ache
When I remember your hands and your face
in the moment just before
I manage to lock the memory away
So I smooth my skirt out and I smile
and carry on like nothing has happened

© N Kruger – Jan 2012

The chase

Restless thoughts like menacing gargoyles
that pounce on my shoulders
As I walk through the ink of night
tries to catch my secret longings
as I send them in smoke signals
to the Moon to guard in her belly
They hide in dark corners
and chase me in endless circles
around the labyrinth of my heart
Trying to tie me down to torture
my sinapses with their sinister echo’s
of things that might be or could’ve been
I flee to the forest chasing peace
and as I make my way to the clearing
Crows pick them off me one by one
and light as a feather without their burden
I quietly float up towards the sky
to catch a ride on a shooting star
and find a place to rest in silence

© N Kruger – Jan 2012

I knew it was going to be a good day!

Last night I struggled to fall asleep.  As it sometimes happens my thoughts were like restless little gargoyles pouncing on me from corners and chasing me around in circles.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning and lamented the fact that I had to leave my beautiful spot of awesomeness, especially on a rainy misty morning like it was when I woke and couldn’t cuddle and lie in a bit longer.  But I got up, got dressed, put my rose tinted glasses on and had a great time in the car with the kids being silly and laughing.  Lila chose Kings of Leon for our trip to school today (awesome kid!) and we played air band as usual lol.  Christian was a bit unsettled this morning for some weird unknown reason and didn’t want to go to school.  He cried his big crocodile tears and was very upset actually, a bit strange, so I walked him to his class and he was ok when he saw his teacher and she gave him a big hug and a little pep talk.

As I drove to work I pondered my situation with Roger (my truck), I took him in because he was making a hell of a funny noise which they say they fixed but it’s still making a noise.  Urgh, so I’m thinking that I should either drive it till it breaks, take it to the AA and have them check the car, take the report to the dealership and make them fix it, or speak to the dealership again, it’s been there 3 times already for the same issue.  Still deciding.  I also spoke to my Dad yesterday, we had quite an awesome conversation about compost and plants and all kinds of stuff, neither of us knew the other had so much of an interest in the subject.  So it was nice.  I will go visit the next weekend I have the kids.  I am also holding thumbs for another Kulula special so I can go to Cape Town soon again.

Anyhoo got to work, checked my emails and waded through a page of spam and then BAM!  Guess what I found?!?!?!  A response from the company that I applied to, you know the one I have been hoping for and that yesterday I said I’m giving up on, that one!  Yay!  So I’m going for an interview on Thursday.  I’m beyond excited.  Beyond!!!!  Yes so many exclamation points lol!  So it’s totally a good start to the day.  I forgot to tell you all that it’s New Moon so take time to be quiet and to think of everything that doesn’t serve you and leave it behind to start the new cycle without that baggage.  The Moon is also in Aquarius which can be a bit intense but good and Mars has gone retrograde providing us with the opportunity to take stock, relook situations, pay attention to details we may have overlooked and notice if the foundations we have layed is strong enough to build on.  So really take time to just be and look over things.

In a conversation with a friend I actually admitted out loud to someone for the first time that I don’t know what I want (in a relationship sense) and I guess admitting that is a start.  Something that can be built on.  So I’m giving this some thought too.  Because I figure if my foundations are strong enough, if I know who I am and if I’m happy with who I am and the direction my life is going that is a nice solid base to build on.  So maybe that’s enough.  Who knows.  For now I’m enjoying taking every moment life brings as it comes and being thankful for whatever it is.

Aweh ma se kinners!

Shall we do today what we used to do in school?  ”So Johnnie, what did you do on the weekend” “Miss, we …. ” and then everyone tries to best everyone else.  Well let me just say that my weekend wins m’kay.  So let me tell y’all about it.

Being all seize the moment and spontaneous and as it happened I went to Cape Town this weekend.  Yes I did.  I went down (up?) to spend time with a very good friend who also happens to be a legendary tattoo artist so the purpose of my visit was twofold.  I arrived on Friday evening and woke up to a lovely grey’ish Cape Town morning.  We took Laika for a walk on the beach and zipped off to town for breakfast on the Vespa.  Had the most amazing hashbrowns I ever tasted and the best cup of coffee from Deluxe Coffee Works in Church Street and had awesome conversations with random strangers.  Then like a real tourist went to the V & A and went for a ride in that round thingie so got a really awesome view of everything from up there.  Went back home and then Milo started on my backpiece.  I love getting tattoo’d there is nothing that brings you to the present moment like going through that experience.  I have a pretty high pain threshold but I had to really focus through parts of this one to not go to the dark side. I sat for about 4 hours and Milo finished the outlining and started on the shading.  It’s a work in progress and it’s going to be totally awesome when it’s done!  After my 4 hours I was a bit shaky as can be expected and went for a little nap before we went out to dinner with friends to this charming little Italian restaurant ran by for real Italian people who make for real Italian food and it was just devine.  Then back home and had a lovely evening chit chatting away until very late.

Sunday morning woke up way too early and was all misty and dreamy so had a really lovely lie in and nice lazy start to the day.  Went for breakfast and another walk on the beach and then it was off to the airport to go back  home.  It was all over way too quickly.  But it was a really awesome weekend spent with some really great people and hopefully I’ll be visiting more frequently.  Here are some of my snapshots I took on my travels.

PS:  I haven’t heard anything from that job yet.  Meh, guess it’s not to be!  I’m sure that who ever gets it needs it more than I do.  Have an amaaaazing Monday people!

the sign at baggage claim at Cpt International - I thought it was really funny

Shooowah the mooooountain

How cool is that teapot?

Deluxe Coffee Works in Church Street

This is the coolest photograph I have ever taken!

Spotted from the top of the round thingie at the V & A lego man made from coke crates it says "Believe in a better world" on his chest, loved it!

Some harbour activity

Say my name

Before you speak my name
for a just a moment
let it rest on your tongue
Swallow the syllables one by one
and feel if its bitter-sweet
or does it taste like home
As it runs through your veins
and reaches your tongue again
will you speak it safely
or will you spit it out

N Kruger – Jan 2012