Lonely boy

My favourite new track!!

Lonely Boy – The Black Keys

Well I’m so above you
And it’s plain to see
But I came to love you anyway
So you tore my heart out
And I don’t mind bleeding
Any old time to keep me waiting
Waiting, waiting

Chorus:
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
I’m a lonely boy
I’m a lonely boy
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting

Well your mama kept you but your daddy left you
And I should’ve done you just the same
But I came to love you
And I want to flee
Any old time you keep me waiting
Waiting, waiting

Chorus:
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
I’m a lonely boy
I’m a lonely boy
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting

Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting
I’m a lonely boy
I’m a lonely boy
Oh, oh-oh I got a love that keeps me waiting

Don’t cry over spilt hummus

I struggle to let go of things.  And I have a tendency to want to fix everything.  People tend not to share my sentiments.  For me, every problem has a solution.  There is nothing that can’t be overcome.  And everything that’s broke can be fixed.  I seem to be in the minority.  I am so-so happy and I want for nothing.  I’m blessed in abundance and this year, everything I set out to do I’ve achieved.

But yet, I have this spot of sadness that just won’t subside.  Truth is, I’ve always had it.  For a short while it was gone or maybe just buried deeper.  I don’t know.  I would really like not to have it.  Is it just me?  While I am fully aware that everything we experience is a choice.  I choose not to let the spot of sadness overcome me at any point.  But in the quiet moments it creeps up on me.

I had another awesome week.  Filled with the happy awesome faces of the people I love.  I bought my son his first set of school clothes, ready for Grade R.  He’s still so little.  I tucked my daughter under my arm and wiped her tears because she misses her father.  I’ve dodged both their questions about someone who we have all grown to love, but isn’t part of our lives anymore.  They miss him.  I miss him.  I don’t know what to tell them.  I had an awesome time with new friends and old friends.  So much love in my life.  In spite of the downs, there are always more ups.  It’s all a matter of perception isn’t it.

I tell myself that I don’t need anyone, I don’t want anyone.  And the reality is that it is so much simpler flying solo.  No-one else’s wants or needs or moods to take into consideration.  And it’s great.  It’s freedom.  And I can’t be bothered to go through the whole “dating” process.  It just seems like so much trouble and so superficial.  I have turned down many requests for dates, I just don’t see the point.  I know I’m not going to shag them, and I also know the ones who have asked are not right.  I ask myself what it is within us that we feel this need to share our lives with someone.  Is it societal?  Or are we just wired that way?  I will not allow my life to become about “finding someone”.  That is utter bullshit.  I have given it up to the gods now.  If I’m meant to share my life with someone, the right person will cross my path at some point.

That is not a priority for me.  Right now, I just want to live my life.  Fill my space with people who are nurturing and uplifting.  Plant my veggies.  Put my plans into action.  Do the things I set out to do and tick those things off my “to do” list.  And hopefully everyone I come into contact with, with take a piece of the love I have with them.  Because I have a lot and everybody should have some.

Sacrifice

Cold the stone beneath her back
the ceremony is about to start
Red the blood coursing through her veins
He comes near with the blade held high
still she looks at him with trust in her eyes
Feverishly hoping for her life
She offers her Love unconditionally
He looked at her with tender eyes
With gentle hands
he plunges the knife into her chest
and rips her heart out
“I loved you the most”
she whispers with her last breath
“It’s not you. It’s me” he says

© N Kruger – 2011

Drama

So last night I took the whiskey, got my laptop out, put on some choice rock tunes and just took a deep breath and wrote.  And boy did I write.  I posted most of the English stuff on the blog, all in all I wrote 7 English and 4 Afrikaans pieces.  Quite a cathartic experience.  I re-read some of it this morning and I was like “yikes!  did I write that” lol.  I have also rediscovered The White Stripes, oh yummy!  Am having a ball, haven’t listened to them for the longest time.

I digress.  Life is like a giant soap opera, sometimes you are an actor sometimes you watch.  But you can at any point choose to exit the drama.  Some of us are so caught up in it, we don’t even realize that we are IN the soap.  Sometimes things are the way they are, and we must just accept it and move on.  Because it doesn’t matter how much you try to change it or alter it, it won’t until it’s good and ready.  You also don’t have to play the role that someone else has assigned you.  That is why I prefer to just not be part of the drama.  Sometimes it’s easier said than done though.

Urgh anyhoodle.  We all do what we can with what we have to make sense of our worlds.  It’s not up to us to judge the way in which someone else is doing it.

But.  I will do it my way.  I won’t be dictated to by society or whatever else on how I should behave, deal with things or live.  I will decide that according to what I feel guided to at that particular moment in time.  And that is all.  So for now I’m not giving up, just giving in.

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love” – John Lennon

Pumpkin Hour

Pumpkin hour
when everything changes
from the way it was before
Everything’s different
yet the same
Especially the lonely sound
of your name

© N Kruger – Dec 2011

It gets quiet

It gets quiet round these parts
sometimes
When I miss your voice
in the spaces between my thoughts
Where you used to dwell
So sometimes
I talk to you, like you’re still here
a tidal wave of words
that would flood you
if you were
So I send a mental postcard
To there where you are
that says “wish you were here”
and I will you to feel my Love
When you sleep
to dream of my touch
I am the same, but different
And you were always different
so I know another you
The one underneath
The one you keep hidden to the world
So when it gets quiet round here
and I wander through time like a ghost
I remember that you were the one
that I loved the most
So I don’t call you a liar
I don’t call you a cheat
I just remember
the brilliance of you underneath

Living dead

Do you risk life
or do shrink back
shriveled and scared
Do you battle your demons
Face the fear
and battle through
Or do you allow
the static of your mind
to dictate the safe way
the paved road
And make yourself
walk among the living
while you are dead…

Morse code of Love

The punishment don’t fit the crime
stone cold the silence
Your self inflicted violence
became my crime
I’m tied to the stake
burned at your feet
You lit the match
that destroyed the world
But in the black of night
a single beat
My heart has not died
and continues to play
the morse code of my Love

Lovesick

I’ve walked this path so many times
Tried so many tries
Gave myself over and over again
My bones are tired
My brain is wired
My heart cries that it’s sick

Sick of Love

Hope has left this town
Cynicism has moved in
Ah who am I kidding
For I long for your love
I don’t wanna be alone
You tore through me like a razorblade
Left me bleeding in hard to reach places
With scars that are slow to fade

So I’m just sick
Sick from Love

So I’ll just sit at this bar
with my new friend Johnny
and smoke my cigarettes
And lament the white noise
That I couldn’t get through
Create my own barrier
Try to save me from myself
and drink my medicine
And hope to be cured
cured from being lovesick

(PS:  don’t y’all think this should be a song?)

No light, No light

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

No Light, No Light – Florence and the Machine

You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought
And what I said

You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it’s clear
When it’s over you’ll start
You’re my head
You’re my heart

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can’t choose what stays and what fades away

And I’d do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

Through the crowd, I was crying out
And in your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me, I need to make it right

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can’t choose what stays and what fades away

And I’d do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

Would you leave me,
If I told you what I’ve done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I’ve become?
’cause it’s so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it’s so hard, my love,
To say it to you alone

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can’t choose what stays and what fades away

And I’d do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say.