When longing pulls my heart
yearning into a tight ache
And the ghosts of the past
silently taunts and steals
the laughter from my tongue
I chase them with my butterfly net
until they are all caught
And I put them back
in the glass screw-top jar
that goes on the top shelf
of my bruised and beaten heart.
We all have lists, lists of things we want to do, accomplish, goals of where you want to be. I have. I have always had things I wanted to do. For a very long time I sat back and whined about how the things I want and the way I want to go just never happens. There comes a point in your life, where you are in a place where it’s a make or break scenario. My divorce and the months following that, was that point in my life. I was given a second chance. Second chances don’t come around very often. I asked myself some tough questions that required me to look at myself critically and objectively and be brutally honest. And it has given me the opportunity to make some tough choices and come to some astounding realizations and insights.
For the first time I get what it means to take responsibility for one’s life. To take ownership of it. To step into my power. Nobody is going to hand shit to me. It’s up to me, it’s 100% in my power to MAKE things happen. To take the steps, make the plans and guide the direction. Me. I have to do it. It seems such a simple concept. But a lot of people get trapped in a way of life that they didn’t really design, they have goals and hopes and dreams and lists of things they want to do or accomplish. But very few people take the actual steps to start ticking the items off those lists. For the first time I really understand that the sky is really the limit and actually not a limit at all because when you reach the sky, there’s a whole other Universe beyond it.
This new route that I have plotted for myself is only the start. I have no illusions (delusions) and it might not always be easy. But I know that there is no hurdle that I can’t get around, over, through or under. If you work with vision, focus and a passion, a drive to reach your goal no matter what. I believe that there is nothing that I can’t accomplish. I know what I don’t want. But I also know what I DO want. And there is no reason why I can’t achieve that. If nobody ever tried something because they feared failing or told themselves it was impossible nothing would ever get done. There is no such thing as impossible. And there is also no time for wasting, if we all sit around and wait for “one day” before you wipe the shit out your eyes you are lying on your death bed with a heart full of regret. I don’t have time to waste, every minute that goes by is a minute that I will never get back.
<watch this space> You ain’t seen nothing like me yet….
Between smoke and mirrors
in the place where reality
falls away and there is only truth
The Lovers meet
under silver light of Moon
Fat with secret of souls longing
and heart’s desire
Soft whispers filled with mourning
lingers between hungry lips
and body’s yearning
Silver makes way
for the harshness of light
As they turn and wake
to empty bed
Hands reach out to touch
the place once warmed
As dreams of each other
wearing different faces fade
The Lovers get ready
to face another day
without each other
© N Kruger
No one knew
when worlds collided
and the folds of time crumpled
When souls merged and coupled
That the mirrors they were looking at
reflected some other reality
not the one they thought true
No one knew
that an invisible line would be crossed
High as a fence and that nothing
would ever be the same again
No one knew
© N Kruger
When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and your discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.~ Yogi Patanjali
All my life I have drifted along. Never knowing what I wanted to do. I never knew what my purpose was. It drove me nuts. I have recently made some life changing decisions. I have a plan, a purpose and I’m swiftly moving towards it. It feels great! I am not only walking the talk, but living it. I looked at my to-do list and I realized that it’s 100% in my hands to make those things happen. Me, myself and I. No-one is going to hand it to me on a plate. I have to do it.
And where there is a will there’s a way. Break limiting beliefs. We can always find reasons not to do something. That is fear. I laugh in the face of fear. So the reasons my ego mind finds to not do something doesn’t apply to me any longer. Every step I take in the direction I want to go, no matter how small is still a step that will bring me closer. It’s pushing me to be creative, think out the box and completely change my perception and perspective.
It’s in our power to make change happen. It’s in my power to take responsibility for my life and make choices based on my intent and desire of where I want to end up to steer my life in that direction. And by living as if I am already there. Wow! I am awed, amazed at how awesomely the Universe is designed. The only limits we have are the ones we set for ourselves. And me, I am limitless.
You know. At the risk of repeating myself too much. I would just like to state for the record that I still don’t think humans were made to be by themselves. Especially humans with offspring. Now let me make myself crystal clear before I carry on. I do not NEED anyone. I am not some fragile poor little woman who needs a man to take care of me. I am perfectly capable of doing that myself and I do it well thank you very much. I’m also not desperate. I accept that maybe at this particular time of my life I need to be by myself. And that’s fine. I know it won’t be forever. And I’m sure I will have lots of relationships before I find the perfect fit. Well I prefer not to have lots of relationships but ya know, I’m preparing for every eventuality.
But there are things that I miss about being with someone. I have my moments. I am only human afterall. Like I miss having someone to share things during my day with. I miss hearing about someone’s day and being there for them, and cheering them on or giving them a pep talk if they need it. In the quiet moments I miss having someone’s hand I can reach out for, or snuggle in for a cuddle. I miss that feeling when you are on your way to meet them and you just can’t wait to see them. I miss the emotional support and I miss the physical closeness. And it sucks freaking donkey balls not having a regular supply of “you know what I mean”. Really that is probably the shittest thing about being single. I become a bit of a grumpy bitch when I get frustrated. But at the moment I just couldn’t be flippen arsed to go out meet people, blah blah blah all that shit. Urgh. Really. Do. Not. Feel. Like. It.
You know, this past while I ‘got’ a few things about ending relationships. I have never kept contact with ex boyfriends. I moved on and never looked back. But sometimes you date someone awesome. But due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control it just doesn’t work out. People tend to take that personally. But I figure that just because it didn’t work out doesn’t make me less awesome, neither does it make the other person less awesome. It just means that it didn’t work out. Now one can sit around and take it personally and cry and be emo. Or you can look at it objectively and see it for what it is. Just because a romantic relationship ends doesn’t mean you now have to hate that person and be angry with them. If one can still be friends, then why not. Of course everyone isn’t the same and one should take time to just work through emotions and sort things out in your head. But ja, that’s just me. I don’t get why people have to hate each other when their relationship ends. Of course if they were a supreme douche lord then go right ahead. But sometimes they aren’t so then don’t make them out to be one.
I got over my divorce pretty quickly, people find that weird. I find it weird that people would cling to something that probably was shitty in anyways. My marriage sucked. That’s the reality of it. Why would I torture myself by being emo about something that totally sucked. Doesn’t make sense. Move on. Life is too short to carry useless emotions like anger and regret around. No thanks. Not for me. I choose happy. The same goes for any relationship in my book. Whether it sucked or not. If it’s not right, it’s not right. Accept it, move on. And I’m not saying it doesn’t still suck to break up, because of course it does. It takes time to adjust not having that person in your life in that way anymore. But the amount of time that it takes is entirely up to you. You can make it suck for years or days. I don’t have years. I have a LOT of living to do. And a LOT I want to achieve. This girl has big plans and no time for wasting.
So…
Dear Mr Right, where ever and who ever you are. I am here, come find me k? I am not waiting in one place so make sure you look everywhere. I do have some requirements so also make sure you meet those. K? Fab! Great! See ya when I see ya.
Lots of Love,
Me xx
Today was a great day. I was being awesome. You know, like only I can be. Shiny and all that. Christian had his school concert this morning and it was too cute *proud Mom moment* he was a little star. The kids are with their father this weekend and I spent a lot of time with friends yesterday. Today after the concert I went to visit friends in Harties. I took a leisurely drive down, daydreaming of one day…All was peachy in Nicci’s world.
Then out of the blue, I saw something. Something that I miss sharing and doing that I can no longer be a part of. And it kinda caught me off guard and that’s where things went pear shaped. Bleh. So now I’m sommer miff. Such is life I guess, sometimes you get to be the kid in the candy store and sometimes you get to be the kid on the outside looking in. But not to fear. I will be all sparkly and stuff quick stix.
You know. I don’t mind being single. Really. I like my own company and being on one’s own is total freedom. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and I can change my mind as many times as I want. But…..yes there is always a but isn’t there. As much as I like being single. I also like being with someone. I like having a person. I’ve said before that I am a very tactile kind of a person, not that I only want someone around to be able to touch and hug and kiss, but I like that kind of closeness. And lets be honest, for some things you kinda need 2 people (lets just leave it at that). But I also miss being able to share hopes and dreams, I like having someone to share ideas with and plan and do things with and just that emotional support. Know what I mean? I can certainly live without it, it’s not like I’m out there with a blinking sign saying “I want a boyfriend” (I’m not desperate) because I’m sure the right person will arrive at the right time. But it’s not really ideal….for me. But anyhoo we do what we must. We adapt and adjust and soldier on. Everything I do, I do 100%, otherwise what’s the point? Live fully, with an open heart.
One thing I learned from those little kids in that concert today watching them. They aren’t scared, they don’t care that they might look silly. They sang those songs and did their little moves with gusto. They gave it their all. And they shook their booties and they did silly things. There was no fear, no holding back. From the heart, with everything they had. That is how I aim to live. With no fear, no holding back, from the heart.
The Universe always brings me the right people/tools/places at the right time. I have faith in that. In the meantime I will do the being on my own thing with everything I have too!
PS: No, this post isn’t about fruit.
PPS: I’ve never edited a post this much before….!
Yes you will!
See, I believe that everything is always as it should be. No matter how shitty whatever it is feels right now. It’s meant to be that way. Everything is always in Divine order, ALWAYS! And once we realize that, we can’t ever hold grudges, or be angry, or sit and cry about something for too long. In our tiny understanding of how everything works, it’s quite impossible for us to see the bigger picture. I have complete faith that I am exactly where I am meant to be, and that everything is happening exactly the way it should. Complete 100% faith. And in that, I find peace.
Sweet melancholy
Fills me up with it’s sound
Sweeps me away
Over grassland, forests,
the desert, the ocean
Finally up through the stars
to Luna’s place
Chin on knees
I float and I sway
To the tune of dreams lost
with a smile on my face
Luna and I dance and we wave
to you where you sit and stare
with upturned face
somewhere from near the Moon
© N Kruger
