Finally!

It’s Friday *does happy Friday dance*, urgh the weeks just feel like they are getting longer and longer as the year is getting closer to the end.  You all do realize that we have passed the halfway mark?  It’s month 8 of 12 (well almost) which means it’s 4 months to December and another year has passed.

Yes take a moment to process that…

When this year started I had a good feeling.  I said to myself “Self.  This is going to be a fan-freaking-tastic year for you”.  And in a roundabout way so far it’s turned out pretty darn ok (Drama aside).  I never in my wildest dreams imagined that all this stuff would happen and I would view it as a good thing, I didn’t imagine any of this would happen at all period.  Which just goes to show – your attitude determines your altitude.  What is initially perceived as a bad thing can be a huge blessing in disguise.  And a whole other bunch of stuff that’s been said a thousand times over.

I have achieved more in this year than I thought I would have.  I learned a lot.  But it aint over till the fat lady sings – or is the fat guy in the red suit – either way.  We still have a ways to go and I can’t wait to see what treasure is awaiting around the next corner.

Human DOing

Yoh people!  Something is happening to me.  An explosion of words in my head.  I have created a separate blog for Sophia my “alter ego” if you wish, you can check it out here.  Pandora’s box has been opened.

I’m in a bit of a weird space the past couple of days.  Nothing bad.  Just feeling my way through.  It’s all we can do right.

In other more exciting news, I am *this* close to getting my course material – yay me!  I can’t wait.  I have big dreams and doing this diploma is one step closer to achieving it.  And hopefully my vision will come into fruition in the not too distant future.  It feels good to take the steps that will bring me closer to it.  Not just being a passive observer to my life but a do-er.  An active participant.  Who was it that said that, we shouldn’t merely be human BEings but human DOings.  I’m one of those now!

In small steps and doing the little things that need doing every day is how me MAKE things happen.  Ask, and physically move towards what you want, but don’t worry too much about the how’s and the why’s.  The Universe has a way of bringing us exactly what we need, when we need it.  It’s not our job to worry too much about the technicalities.  Go out there, be awesome, make it happen.

Sophia

Sophia dans uitbundig
arms sorgeloos, uitgegooi oor haar kop
Wydgestrek asof sy die wêreld wil omhels
Spykerhak skoene eenkant uitgeskop
en sy dans en draai
kaalvoet in haar wye rok

Sophia dans
Sy gee nie om
dat mense elmboog stamp
en fluister agter hande, “sy’s anders”
Bloedrooi lippe skaterlag
kat-oë wink

Sophia dans uitbundig
Dans vir geluk
vir pyn en smart
Sy dans vir hoop en liefde
sy dans om in te haal
al die verlore ure

Sophia omhels die wêreld
Sy dans wild
Kaalvoet, skaterend, uitbundig

Die Pienk Dosie

In ‘n blink nuwe helder pienk dosie
Bêre ek die stukke van my ou hart
So tussen die vreugde, worry en trane
van ’n nuwe lewe

’n Negosie winkel vol skatte
Blink linte herinnering
Skerwe pyn
Verskuilde borrel-lag so tussen die pyn

Glimmerende drome op die horison
Vlinders warrel oral waar ek trap
met versigtige treë op ‘n pad
nog nie voorheen verken

‘n Blink nuwe helder pienk dosie
gevul met nuwe skatte
die ou stukke van my hart
onder dit begrawe

More poetry

In Afrikaans sorry:

Vergete
Die wind dwing in deur gekraakte vensters
Rol die tolbos en warrel die stof
Leë vergete kamers, dig gesluit
die sleutel lankal weggesmyt

Bokse smart, half op gepak
‘n foto eenkant op ‘n stowwerige rak
Glimlaggende gesigte wat skyn in die raam
Haar tong probeer vergeet, sy naam

Plak ‘n stukkie tape oor die krake
die wind gaan lê, die kamer weer verlate
‘n Goue sleutel vir ‘n nuwe vertrek
Tree vir tree weg van daai plek

Gevangene
Die silver lig van die maan streel oor jou gesig
Jou asem egalig, sag terwyl jy rus
Jou arm sorgeloos gegooi oor my
‘n Tou wat my anker aan jou lyf

My hart swaar soos ‘n klip in my bors
Gedagtes woed stormagtig om ons
‘n Stille kreet in die nag
Ek die gevangene van jou hart

Die maan se silver word die son se goud
Nog ‘n slapelose nag van storms
Sit ek weer die masker in my oë
“Môre my lief, vertel my van jou drome”

Flags in the wind

My heart is weighing heavy in my chest today.  I’m not my usual chipper self.  It could be the phase of the moon.  Or how the planets are squaring each other.  Maybe it’s the wind.  Or maybe it’s just because I haven’t yet sat and sorted through the threads of the thoughts in my head.

The wind always makes me feel a bit chaotic.  And my internal landscape is reflecting that at the moment.  I’m being whirled, and pulled this way and that.  Each thought a flapping flag in the wind.  The only way forward is to become quiet, sit in solitude and address each flag, take it down, straighten it and pack it away.

If the string of thoughts are left unattended in the wind, it will just come loose and the whole place will be a mess.  Takes much longer to clear up.

I have dusted off the box of words in the back of my mind and started dabbling in writing a bit of poetry, I say dabbling, because just like I don’t call myself a “writer” I also won’t call myself a “poet”.  I used to write when I was much younger and somehow just stopped/lost interest.  I have created a separate page for poetry, one for English and one for Afrikaans, so if you want to check it out and give me feedback you can click here if you hover your mouse over the tab you can select “English” or “Afrikaans”.

In every life there is a story.  In some more so than others.  It’s up to us what we write in the pages of our life story every day.  Make sure that each day is a lesson learnt.  A page full of goodness.  And remember from perceived bad also comes good.

Hope

As the last dead leaves
cling to the skeletal branches
of the Ash in my garden
I clung to the fantasy
of what could’ve been
my happy ever after

The icy grip of winter’s frost
The love we had frozen, dead

As I sit in the dying embers of the sun
with prickly flesh
I look at the sleeping earth not dead
waiting for new life
and in my heart
Hope eternal sprung

Not enough….Enough!

Last night I had a dream, I won’t go into the details but during the whole dream I felt incredibly powerless and not enough.  I woke up feeling like that and it took me a while to shake that glum, stressed out feeling.

Throughout my life through various sets of circumstances I have come to believe that I am not quite good enough and felt powerless in certain situations.  Through the various phases I went through as I was growing up I reacted to feeling like that and the people who brought it to surface by being defiant, angry, fearful, eager to please, indifferent.  I have always said and I believe that nobody can MAKE you feel any way or do anything.  I’m not placing blame, but I guess somewhere along the line someone must’ve said or done something that caused me to start thinking and believing that about myself.  No wonder I’ve always attracted people and relationships that made me feel like I’m not enough.

Because I am so aware of it, and determined to never allow someone else’s opinion of me become my reality.  I have and am working rather hard to also believe deep down in my core that I am as awesome as people say, I am enough.  Sometimes we intellectually ‘get’ something, but the rest is a bit slow to catch up.  Intellectually I know that there is nothing wrong with me.  But there still is a part of me that wonders “what if they are right”.

I have come a long way.  But there is still some work that needs to be done.  Through achieving all the goals I’ve set for myself and accomplishing all the small things I set out to do, I know that soon I will also believe deep in my core that I am enough.  Like the wonderful people I surround myself with do.  That I will recognize the astonishing light of my own being.  And that I will allow myself to shine and not allow others that afraid of it, or who don’t know how to handle it, dim that light.

I am enough.

More than enough.

I am limitless.

The world is my oyster

I’ve never really traveled.  I have been to a lot of places in South Africa and I’ve been to Zambia.  But yes that’s about it.  I have always had a yearning to go out and see the world.  Experience new places.  The smells, textures, colours and cultures of the world.  I have always just had to be content with looking at friends photos of the places they visited, living vicariously through them.  Traveling was always something that was going to be done when the kids have left the nest.

Now that I’m on my own I can prioritize things that are important to me and save for them.  And traveling is definitely one of them.  It might take me a while but I am saving for a trip – location undecided at this point.

I have a yearning, a pull to go out and explore the world out there.  See all the amazing things I only ever read about.  Speak to the ordinary people that live there, visit the not so regular tourist spots, find the hidden gems, the places where the real people visit.  Just go where ever my feeling guides me.  Watch this space…

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac

Places that are on my list in no particular order of preference:

• Mali
• Kenya
• Botswana
• The Sahara (Morocco)
• Italy
• Tibet
• India
• Greece
• Zanzibar
• Hawaii
• The Amazon
• Peru
• Tanzania
• Egypt
• Holland
• Ireland
• Scotland
• England
• France
• Russia
• Canada

Some images I’ve randomly taken from google.

The Sahara - I find the desert hauntingly beautiful

Tibet

Zanzibar (Tanzania)

India purely spiritual reasons

Kilimanjaro (Tanzania)

Machu Picchu (Peru)

Mali

Kenya

Tuscany (Italy)

Here’s to the crazy ones

I just had to share this quote I came across.  Having always considered myself a round peg in a square hole and a bit of a misfit and troublemaker who are really not fond of rules or authority it hit home for me.  Here’s to all the different ones, change the world, one crazy head at a time!

‎”Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. ” ~ Jack Kerouac

Silver, shiny things

This morning in the car on the usual school run, I put my sun visor down and something in the mirror caught my eye, something that wasn’t there yesterday.  Something silver and rather shiny.  Upon closer inspection at the red traffic light, I discovered that yep, indeed, it’s a grey hair.  Instead of striking fear into my heart it filled me with glee!  I do love silver, shiny things!

Growing old has never been something that bugged me.  Not that going grey is in any way an indication of being old but it got me thinking about aging.  It’s inevitable isn’t it.  I’d rather grow old, and one day sit on the stoep with a cup of tea, munching on a piece of melktert, my grandchildren playing around me than die a tragic death at an early age.  I’m 34 and I think I can say with some authority that it rocks quite a lot growing older.  When you are in your teens and 20′s, 34 seems OLD.  Well let me tell you sweeties, it’s anything but old.  There are a lot of awesome things about being in your 30′s.  And it’s even better if you find yourself single.  At my age I find that I don’t have the unnecessary insecurities I had when I was in my 20′s, I’m not afraid to express myself and let people know what it is I like and don’t like.   I’m comfortable in my skin.  I’m not afraid to let that which is different about me shine.  Plus I’m still ‘young’ enough to go into a club without looking too out of place lol.

For me growing older means that I’ve lived a little, I’m wiser and stronger.  I have learned to laugh at myself and not take everything so seriously.  I’m more relaxed about life and I’m learning not to sweat the small stuff.  I have figured out what is important to me and what is not.  I have learned to surround myself with people that enrich my life and cut out the ones who don’t and not feel bad about it.  I have learned that it’s ok to be a bit selfish about my needs and wants and that it’s not something to feel guilty about.  In fact, guilt is something that is completely not part of my experience.  I learned that everyone does what they can with the tools they have available at that point in time, and when we know better we do better.  I also learned to not be so harsh all the time on other people, everyone has a battle they are fighting and sometimes a smile instead of a scowl goes a long way.

Growing older rocks the set.  And I’m so going to rock my shiny silver hair.