The great Self Tan Experiment of 2010

>I looked at myself in my new full length mirror.  There is absolutely no doubt that I am white.  In fact I am so white the glare from my body would require you to wear sunglasses or other protective eye gear.  I used to be able to lie in the sun for hours and would emerge a bronze goddess – easy peasy.  But I can’t anymore.  I burn to a crisp within 15 minutes and then turn white again.  It’s not ayoba.

So I decided that I will try self tan.  I bought some spray tan and crossed fingers.  I showered and exfoliated and all that and stood in my naked glory in the bedroom and started spraying.  My husband thought it was hillarious and gave a running commentary thoughout the whole process.  It was surprisingly easy using the spray instead of the cream.

After spraying my entire body and hoping for the best I got into bed and said a quick prayer that I don’t wake up the next morning looking like an orange (although it would have been an excellent excuse to not go to work).  I woke up this morning  a lovely bronze colour yay!  But despite washing my hands about 4 times my palms are very “tanned”.  I tried Domestos, it didn’t work.  My ankles are also a bit splotchy but a quick scrub with the exfoliator thingie sorted that out.  I also have a splotch on my upper leg where water dripped when I washed my hands *sigh* but all in all I would call the experiment a success!

I think I will go to a salon next time though!

Pretty Please!

>I try not to but sometimes I really feel a bit despondent.  I have a sharp mind filled to the brim with fab ideas.  My problem is that I am either just very unlucky or I just don’t have what it takes to make things work.  I look at friends and other people around me that start with a little idea and it takes off and they make successful little businesses out of their ideas.

I try and my ideas just never seem to take off.  They kind of limp along and then die a quiet death.  And it’s not because they are bad ideas.  I can’t figure out where I am going wrong and I get a bit frustrated because I don’t understand why things just never seem to work out for me.  

Seriously can the Universe not just throw me a freaking bone.  Or since I’m clearly to thick to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and how a huge big flashing sign with an arrow pointing to it will do the trick!  Pretty-Please-with-a-small-business-that-makes-enough-money-to-support-me-on-top? Thanks in advance!  Appreciate it!

I am mad

>Right at this moment I am mad.  I am irritated and upset and just mad.  It’s partly hormonal and I’m mad at the stupid company I work for and also the husband.  Spitting mad.  I want to rant and rave and I want the world to know how mad I am and I want everyone to agree with me and say “yes we can see why you are mad the way you are being treated is not fair” and then I want hugs and a cup of tea and chocolates.

I am mad at my husband because he has a job that he loves and he sits there all high and mighty with useless placations, he laughs my situation off and makes light of it.  That makes me mad.  My stupid company couldn’t care less that they are putting me in a difficult situation and quite frankly their “dont’ care” attitude is not making me feel awfully enthusiastic to go the extra mile.

Having said that – I find myself thinking how I’m always preaching to everyone how we are the masters of our emotions and that we are 100% in charge of how we act/react at any given moment.  So I am free to choose if I am mad or I can choose to be not mad.  Right at this moment it feels good to be mad to me.  But my being mad might cause other people to not feel good because I’m mean right now.  I don’t feel like I want to let go of my anger just yet.  Which leads me to analyze why.  At the moment I am not feeling heard, my husband doesn’t seem really interested in my predicament (he tries to “cheer me up” by making jokes) my company isn’t interested and nobody is bringing me chocolates or tea.  So I’ve come to the conclusion that I actually just want to be a kid again, and have someone else sort everything out for me!

So don’t hold out on that time machine – let me have a turn!

Focus Pinky Focus!!

>OK so I posted about my bumper bashing, the insurance let me know today that they are writing the car off as it is “uneconomical to repair”

Now I spoke to my very wise friend Caryn this morning and one of the things that I said was that I was so upset because I consider myself a responsible driver and then something like this happens.  She pointed out to me that it’s actually a ridiculous statement and that is has nothing to do with being responsible or not.

I realized that maybe the lesson in this for me is to focus more on what I do have and to be more grateful and recognize the blessings that are in my life.  To realize that even when everything goes wrong I can still laugh and be happy, that I don’t need everything to run smoothly to experience joy.  It’s such a misconception that I for one have that I think one can only be happy when everything is going well.  And it can’t be further from the truth, it never only goes well, there is always an issue somewhere.  But even when life throws you a curve ball or 2 (or 3) we can still smile, count our blessings and laugh. 

My anxiety levels have been sky high making myself crazy with all the “what ifs” and worrying about how we are going to afford car payments (the car was fully paid) etc etc.  And every now and then I have to remind myself to breathe.

And actually there are far worse things in life.  Sure it’s a hassle and an inconvenience and we will have to tighten our belts a bit, but I believe with every ounce of my being that everything happens for a reason and like The Dalai Lama said “Remember not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” so who knows what lies around the corner!

Some days you just want to eat chocolate

>You know with everything happening in my life right now I am really struggling to keep my head above water.  It’s really taking all I have to stay positive and to find the lessons and to not be stubborn and hard headed and move forward.  But I’m managing…..just….with the exception of throwing a few tantrums and stomping my feet at the Universe.

I’m really just gatvol right now you know?  I want it all to stop and for normality to be restored and for it to rain gumdrops and rainbows and fuzzy bunnies every-freaking-where!!

So what happens does it rain gumdrops and are there any rainbows or fuzzy bunnies?  Noooooo.  What does happen is that I am involved in a little accident.  I say little because no one was hurt.  My poor car on the other hand did not come off so lightly.  The insurance company will probably write it off.  Even though I *know* what the lessons are and what the Universe is trying to tell me, it doesn’t help me quite so much at this point.  I don’t want to have to deal with this now.  I just don’t.  I don’t want to have to feel like I’m being interrogated by the insurance company, I don’t want to have to fake laugh at everyone’s jokes about my predicament, I don’t want to have to deal with the little stabs implying that I’m a bad driver, I don’t want to deal with the money issues from this or any of it.  I don’t need it and I don’t want it.  I would much rather just lie in bed, eat chocolates, read my book and pretend that I don’t have a care in the world.  And when I leave my room I want everything to just be fine.  No issues, no nothing.

I just want someone to save me.  I want to be hugged and held and treated gently and to be told that everything will be ok and not be shouted at.  And I want someone to just make it all ok, just like magic wipe it all out.  But nou ja in real life it doesn’t work like that.  I will have to deal with the insurance company, everyone’s lame jokes and assumptions and the tension in the house from the financial implications of the accident.  Because lets face it, even though I have insurance there are still costs involved.  I will put one foot infront of each other and I will move along and I will try to not think of any bad things and cross every bridge as we get to it.

And every now and then I will go to my room, eat chocolates, read my book and pretend I have not a care in the world (and maybe throw a tantrum or two).

Breathe Me

>I stumbled across this girl while searching for cool songs to work out a pole dancing routine to – I just LOVE this song it’s called Breathe me and the artist is Sia

Breathe Me – Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Year End Blues

>I have just come to the realization that we are entering/have entered that phase of the year where everyone is cranky, tired and just plain gatvol.  I’m so glad it’s not only me!!

Urgh everything is a mission for me at the moment.  I drag myself out of bed in the mornings, have to give myself a 30 minute pep talk to pick up the broom or unpack the dishwasher.  I actually did consider sticking a dirty fork in my eye instead of doing my chores at one point.  Can I just say that it sucks not having help when you work full time and have a busy schedule!

And everyone I come across feels the same, tired/cranky and gatvol!  At least this year we get to go on holiday to the coast, the last time we were there was the year my son turned 1!!  Family holidays are always a bit challenging but the way I feel now I will even share a room with my in laws if it means I can spend some time on the beach.  Only 36 sleeps to go!!!!

Yikes only 36 sleeps also to get my body into a semi decent shape to squeeze into a bikini and not have my flabble spill over the top of my pants!  I have been doing very well actually and am proud of myself!  I am amazed at how much the poling is firming and toning me up!  It’s awesome!  I also have my exercise ball by the tv so if I do watch something I get on the ball and do crunches.  So dilligent!

Well there is a whole 3 paragraphs yacking a whole lot about nothing really LOL!  I am not feeling very inspired, the cogs in my brain are turning rather slowly, my body is preserving all it’s energy to perform vital functions like keeping my heart beating and breathing.

Later …

If you can’t speak geek

>If you are a girl who loves new gadgets and cool stuff but can’t be bothered to try and decipher geek then hop on over to GirlGuides.co.za.

The site is a collective of fabulous girls who test out and review all the latest and coolest must have’s in gadgets and technology and post their reviews on the site in understandable language for us mere mortals who can not speak geek.  In addition they also give advise on how to get the most out of your technology no matter how big or small.  The site is user friendly, easy to understand and most importantly girl friendly ♥

They also have fabulous give-aways (but shhhhh don’t tell anyone!!)

I have a dream

>You know what, I have always been content and accepting of the fact that I have a job, I do it well and it’s fine.  I don’t get excited about it much, it’s a source of income and honestly if I didn’t HAVE to I would happily occupy my time running my kids around and pottering in different things that I actually find pleasure in.

Now you ask why I don’t do that – potter around with things I find pleasure in, the short answer is that well I do, but it’s doesn’t bring nearly enough money into the household for us to live comfortably or even to pay 1 bill.  So I do these things in my spare time and mostly my little ventures does not do that well because I don’t have the time or resources etc to actually manage or market it properly.

Recently it has played on my mind a lot that I also want a job that I feel satisfied/fulfilled/excited about.  I want to wake up every morning excited to go to work and when I am at work I want to feel like I make a difference, that I enjoy what I do and that I am not wasting my time.  It’s becoming a source of increasing displeasure for me that I go through my days and spend most of my waking hours doing something that I don’t really want to do.

I’ve always been able to find comfort in the fact that I can balance it out with activities that I do love in my spare time but I find myself a bit up in arms that I should have to do that.  I am tired of settling, I want better.

I have a dream, it’s a big one.  I have this vision of this place I want to open and I want to do it with my Mom.  But at this point I can’t see how that can happen, neither one of us have the collateral to take out the rather large loan it would require and then there is the ever inevitable “what if it fails”.  So for now I will put it out there and see what the Universe throws back at me, I want this. 

Overwhelmed

>I always thought that I was the kind of person that didn’t let their personal issues affect work, but when people you have contact with outside of your home/friend circle starts pointing out that you are “snappy” and “immediately get your back up” then you have to re-evaluate what you think of yourself.  Clearly the facade is slipping.  I guess it also doesn’t help that I am unhappy at work.  I have it from everywhere at the moment *sigh*

I admit that I am so tense and stressed at the moment that I do tend to snap at things that normally won’t bug me.  I can’t even remember what it feels like to be all chilled and relaxed anymore, even when I’m relaxed I’m stressed.  Things just feel like it’s getting a bit too much for me at the moment.  I am indeed miserable.

I am having a “I wish I could just run away to India and meditate for 3 months” moment. And I’m wondering why it is so hard for me to just be happy and to find my place in the sun and bask and glow … anyway I said yesterday that it doesn’t help that I moan.

I am taking steps to something about the things that are causing me grief and strain, I’m just a “I want it and I want it all now” kind of girl, so I guess patience is called for.