The Beast Within

>Besides from the occasional bouts of I don’t know what I slip into I also have the monthly demon I have to deal with.  For most of the month I am a normal functioning human being – well normal is a relative term – functioning human being, I am rational and my voice does not have an hysterical sounding edge to it when I speak.  But there comes a time of the month when the Beast comes out to play.  Sometimes I manage to keep the Beast locked in his box, sometimes I keep him in the box and he just snarls through the opening in the lid, sometimes the lid comes off completely and he comes out in all his glory.

I first noticed the arrival of the Beast a couple of days ago, when I managed to slightly over react and may have shouted at the Husband a little.  While the alleged incident was taking place the Husband said to me “you see!  PMS, that is the only reason you are shouting”.  I said “I don’t have PMS, I’m shouting because you are PISSSSINGGG ME OOOOOFFFFF, no other reason”.  Ha in your eye!  When the alleged incident was over I did have a peek on my calendar and noticed that it may ever so slightly be PMS aka the Beast.

When I woke up this morning I decided that I would just have a quiet day.  Keep to myself and all that.  It’s safer for everyone especially me.  Besides from being completely irrational when the Beast takes over, I also become over-sensitive to the extreme so I take absolutely everything extremely personally and become even more insecure.  So I either become mental or I cry hysterically.  So I shut the f*ck up, sit in the corner and try to avoid as much as possible.  Instead I went on an OCD research spree into ethical products and cosmetics, research is good for me OK, it helps me focus the Beast on something constructive.  Now the Husband, idiot that he is, intentionally provokes me.  Honestly who pokes a raging mad thing with a stick?  Seriously.  He said something along the lines of “How is testing on animals bad?” that made me get heart palpitations and want to stick him in the eye with a fork.  Seriously.  But he does it on purpose because he KNOWS it will make me cross. I don’t understand why would you do that to someone? 

I wonder who I can petition to have a law passed that woman who suffer from PMS be allowed to stay at home for that week.  Seriously when I’m like this I should not be left out the house.  I get SO angry in traffic that I literally get heart palpitations, I am not even embellishing the truth slightly.  I have these vivid flights of fantasy where I calmly ram my car into the asshole who just cut infront of me.  Luckily for everyone else my car broke down for 15 minutes and focused my attention on it rather than the assholes who drive like assholes.

Then I got home to the Husband who has Bronchitis, oh my fuck spare me the frikkin drama.  This morning he was fine, and the people at work managed to convince him that he is deathly ill, went to the doctor and seriously doctors will tell you exactly what you want to hear.  So now we have Bronchitis.  Then he proceeded to complain about the dog who just peed along the entire length of the bedroom wall.  And then we had another screaming match.  Seriously, don’t make your problems mine,  you wanted the dog, you deal with it.  I’m done.  Finished.  You know what to do.  Do it!  I do not want to hear about it.

It takes every inch of restraint I have to not loose it at work, to get through the day without poking someone in the eye with my pen or embedding a stapler in their skull or telling a client to “Have a lovely day and fuck the hell off”, I smile and I try my hardest to disguise the edge in my voice.  So when I get home I just want to feel safe and nurtured, I don’t want to be poked and prodded at and intentionally provoked.  I want love and maybe a hug and then I want to be left alone.  I really have no control over this.  I know I’m being irrational, but there is nothing I can do to stop it.  This time of the month is very hard on me emotionally and physically and there is nothing else to do but go through it.  Some months are better than others.  But I always at some point silently scream “what is wrong with me” and wonder if I should be on some kind of medication.

Anyway *sigh*

I read two amazingly interesting blog posts today by the fabulous Wenchy and The Reluctant Mom that hit me like a ton of bricks.  But I’m not ready to delve into that yet.  I think I need to think about it some more.  I just wanted to say that.  They both write so beautifully and use beautifully descriptive words and have well structured posts.  I have “fuck” and “asshole” and my thoughts jump a lot, not the most original words or pulitzer price winning writing but it brings the point across.  Who decided that “fuck” is a bad word anyways, it’s way more expressive than “oh bother” …

The future depends on what we do in the present. – Mahatma Gandhi

>I remember as a little kid, spending hours in the veld, finding small animals and plants that I don’t know and rushing to the library (no internet) to find books so that I could learn their names and what they do.  I remember my Dad showing me cool things and spending hours with us when vacationing at the coast in the rock pools showing us the  anemones and other cool sea creatures.

I remember being absolutely awed, fascinated and excited learning about the eco-system – the circle of life – I was absolutely delighted.  And looking back, even at that early age, as a wide eyed eager young girl I understood on some deep level that we are all connected.  I grew up next to the Vaal River, with plenty of wide open spaces to explore and nature has always been my sanctuary, whenever life got to much for me I took a walk through the veld or sat next to the river and recharged. 

The abuse of the Earth is something that has always distressed me deeply from a very young age, I have never found someone that understood that.  I cry real sad tears, it hurts me on a very deep level.  I get angry, I get sad, I feel exasperated.  I don’t understand how people do not care, how people can be so indifferent about the Earth and her creatures and their fellow humans.  Maybe this is where my “I have to save the world” complex began, trying to save everyone and fix everything.  I know that I can’t save the world or even one single human as everyone has their own path to walk so I have learned that the best I can do with humans is to just be there for them in whatever way I can when they do cross my path.  But this post is about the Earth – and we can do something about that.

Recently there was a huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Hundreds of animals are dead the coastline is destroyed, the waters contaminated.  A lot of focus has been placed on this particular spill, but thanks to my very informed friend “L” I have learned that oil spills to that magnitude is common in country’s like Nigeria, Ghana and along the Ivory Coast,where there are no laws that regulate it or that forces the oil giants to clean up their mess, and it’s not only BP. 

It makes me feel panicky inside, it really does, I feel sad and angry.  There are very enlightened much wiser people who are all light years ahead of me in what they do for the Earth and creating awareness about environmental issues than me telling me that I shouldn’t worry, I mustn’t be angry or sad.  Everything will be ok.  But I can’t just be indifferent.  I am really struggling to get to grips with not showing any emotion about the abuse in all forms of the Earth.  Don’t get me wrong I’m far from perfect.  But in my small way I always try to do my bit, I recycle, I switch off, create awareness of issues and causes, don’t eat meat etc.  But I can’t just stand by emotionless and indifferent and say to myself everything will be ok.

I can’t/won’t have no emotion about our oceans being polluted with oil, about toxic waste being buried in the deserts and pumped into rivers and the ocean, about humans tunneling through the earth hollowing her out on the inside, rain forests being destroyed 100 year old trees being chopped down, the massive scale of abuse of animals for human consumption, the genetic modification to mass produce vegetables and fruit for the massive demand of human appetites, soil being depleted of all minerals, poisons that are used for pest control that wipe out all kinds of other creatures, we pump all kinds of gasses into the air.  We are destroying the earth.  Don’t know if anyone noticed but it’s the only one we have…….

I don’t know why it affects  me on such a deep level but it does.  How long can this way of life carry on?  At some point there has to be a collapse of this system based on greed and lining someone’s pockets with billions of dollars.  I don’t know when that will happen, there are many prophecies about such a time.  I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that at some point balance will have to be restored.  At some point a change will be forced upon the human race.  In the meantime we can all do our bit in our small way to minimise the effect we as individuals have on the earth, take care of her.

Be the change you want to see in the world – Mahatma Gandhi

“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything” ~ Albert Einstein

A tired post

>Today I woke up tired and I still look like someone punched me in the eye (I have these black/blue circles under my eyes – not ayoba!).  The Husband has this annoyingly irritating cough – you know the ones doctors call “unproductive”.  It certainly produces a lot of irritation for something that is unproductive…..Anyways the cough woke me up sometime in the early hours of the morning, I have no idea what time it was.  I don’t look at my watch when I wake up at night, but there was 1 lonely bird chirping and the old lady next door who hates me because I won’t cut down my trees, apparently has a sleeping problem also because she was smoking on the stoep just on the other side of the wall right next to my bedroom and I could smell the cigarette smoke *vomit*, seriously, also not ayoba (yes I’m one of THOSE ex smokers).

So instead of killing the 1 lonely chirping bird and shouting at the old lady next door who hates me because I won’t cut down my trees, I put the pillow over my head and turned around, listened to my breathing and fell back to sleep……only to be woken by my very own “unproductive” cough.  Seriously *sigh*  When the alarm clock eventually went off, I already thought of a list of excuses why I had to stay at home.  But alas I dragged my ass, my blue circles and my unproductive cough out of bed and got dressed.  So dilligent.

Now if only I could be that dedicated to other things in life.  I have loads of awesome ideas and I am very good at putting them into action.  But as soon as everything works and is in place, I loose interest and move on to the next thing.  It was one of the reasons I was in two minds starting this blog, I know myself, I start off with gusto and then slowly my interest fizzles out…so far so good right.  I actually do find it therapeutic, getting things out of my head.

It’s a really grey, miserable day today.

So instead of focusing on the grey and the miserable, I will focus on things that make me happy.  Like it’s only 3 sleeps till the kids come home, they will be back on Friday.  It’s little Boo’s 1 month day, she is a whole month old.  Little Boo is my BFF’s brand new baby, she is adorable!  I’m meeting my other friend for coffee after work, she recently found out she is pregnant, so cool!  The tooth whitening tooth paste we bought really works LOL!  Ok now it sounds like I’m reaching a bit hey, so before I start babbling nonsense ciao for now xxx

Eeni Meeni Miny Mo

>Is it only me?  Whenever I have to decide between two things and I really can’t decide and am not partial to the one or the other, I go:

“Eeny meeny miny mo, catch a monkey by it’s toe, if you catch him let him go, eeny meeny miny mo”

And where I stop that is the one I choose.  It only works if you have to choose between two things though … but hey it works.  And it doesn’t help you cheat and go with the thing you didn’t stop on. 

Today chip roll won over veg curry and rice.  Yum.  I’m going to get a huge ass from all the chip rolls I’ve been eating lately…..

Things I have NEVER done/experienced

>I’ve been thinking lots about my list of never dones recently so I thought I’d make a list and then cross the things off as I do/experience them and I will ad to it as I think of more:

1. I have NEVER been to Gold Reef City or the Apartheid museum
2. I haven’t visited Soweto yet and ate in a real shebeen
3. I have never bungee jumped
4. I have never had a surprise party
5. I have never been out of Africa
6. I have never studied (it’s my dream to study psychology and holistic healing)
7. I have never scuba dived/dived
8. I have only been to Cape Town once in my life for a couple of hours, so I would love to go again
9. I have never owned a car that was registered in my name
10. I have never been 33
11. I have never had a Cinnabon
12. I have never had high tea at the Westcliff
13. I have never stayed in a log cabin with it’s own fireplace and a jacuzzi
14. I have never done a group meditation
15. I have never been to a spa
16. I have never had a mani/pedi
17. I have never had a facial
18. I have never learned to speak Spanish/Japanese

……to be continued

How do I love thee

>

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth, and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight.
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. 

I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion
put to use In my old griefs,
and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears,
of all my life!
and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

*sigh* I love that poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning.  It always conjures the most romantic images of Knights in Shining Armour rescuing damsels in distress.  I picture a couple who against all odds survive all life’s challenges together and speak to each other with tenderness and love, who respect each other and pine for each other when seperated.  Old and wrinkled still hold hands and smile lovingly at each other.

*crickets*

Yes well we all know that real life doesn’t work that way right.  Love comes in many shapes, forms and sizes.  Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, or boys and girls can love girls and boys.  We love people who are no good for us, we love friends, family, people we have never met, our children, our pets, causes we believe in.  We love food, alcohol, sometimes drugs, we love things, places and often drama.  Sometimes we shut ourselves down emotionally and we forgot to love or feel loved.

Is love a concept that we use too loosely?  What defines love and do you believe in the kind of love like in the poem?  I believe that we can love lots of things and people at the same time in very different ways.  I believe that sometimes we can un-love someone and then learn to love them again.  I used to be very black and white on the topic, if I “stopped” loving you, I walked away, never to return or look back.  But I have learned that ultimately we can’t stop loving someone, in any way,ever.    And that we need to remember to love ourselves, we can’t feel loved or give love if we don’t start with us, if you don’t love yourself. 

Most of all I believe that love isn’t complicated at all.  It just is.

The Adventures of Temporarily Kidless Moonchild aka Wollie

>It’s great being kidless – now before you lift your eyebrows and scoff at me and murmur about what a horrible parent I am, let me just make it clear that I have had many small cries over missing my kids this week.  I miss them something cronic.  BUT it is really nice to be able to do things just the two of us, adult things.

We met Laura and her other half at a very yuppy’ish cocktail lounge yesterday for drinks it was DEVINE!!!   There was couple there with their 2 year old.  The poor child was screaming her head off most of the time and was continually put in her pram or the trolley.  I would also have screamed my head off if I wasn’t allowed to do anything.  None of us could understand why the parents don’t just give up and go home, I felt really sorry for the poor kid shame man. 

After drinks we met my brother in law and his girlfriend for drinks and to watch the Ghana vs USA game!  We almost got into a real life bar brawl.  The evening was epic!!!!  There were these people there that supported USA, you know there always has to be 1, those kinds of people who refuse to see the positive about South Africa/Africa refuses to support their own country/continent and refuses to see any of the positive things happening and who is always moaning about everything and who are definitely looking into moving to Australia.  Those (we shall call them the schmucks).  Anyways we all had a great time, I had 9 Gin and dry lemons a few drinks and chatted to this guy who is moving to Australia because he is marrying an Aussie girl, they decided to live there.  And I learned that sometimes we give up a lot in the name of love, sometimes maybe too much.

In the epic extra extra time when Ghana was 2 – 1 ahead, the whole bar was on their feet cheering Ghana on.  One of the Ghaneyans (?) fell down, so one of the Schmucks shouted “send him off ref he has AIDS”.  What a doos, anyways my brother in law lost it with the guy and lunged over the tables and grabbed him and shouted at him about being a racist ass etc etc.  It took a lot of nice talk to calm him down and the Schmuck was thankfully quiet after that – ass.

Today I got to sleep in, it was lovely!  We got ready and went out shopping and then went to join all the blogger ladies for the Ladies on Lunch event.  I had a small visit with my BFF and got to give her her long overdue birthday pressie (I miss her too much she lives too far away!), cuddle her most cute and most tiny little newborn and got to meet the fabulous Wenchy.  I had an awesome sushi lunch and bought some lovely balt salts from Tranquil Body Treats.  I just had a lovely soak in their Lavender bath salt and can highly recommend it, it’s LOVELY!!!. 

ALSO in between all of that made some gorgeous tiny Angel/Fairy handbad/keyring bling, I didn’t take pics, I know, very silly!  But they are gorgeous and I gave them all away   I love giving things to people!  Now I am off to schmooze my hubby into making me a cheese and tomato toasted sandwhich.  Toodles xxx

It’s Saturday

>How is that for stating the obvious?  Today I didn’t get woken with “Mommy, Mommy I want juice” or little arms around my neck or “Mommy can I play my game” or “Mommy I want to watch Cbeebee’s”.  Today I got to sleep as late as I wanted and for the rest of the day I get to do what I want.

I miss them.  Lets not lie to ourselves here, I want them to come home.  As nice as it is to be temporarily kidless I miss them.

So lets put that in the pink polka dot box at the back of my mind for now and concentrate on the day ahead!  I will be going to the bead shop for some supplies yay!  I can’t wait!  I have an order to make a necklace and bracelet set and I have a couple of ideas I want to try out.  Then we are going to meet the most awesome Laura and her other half for drinks who are having their one year anniversary today! 

I have doodled a few ideas for my new tattoo, now to find the right person to actually ink me.  I can’t get hold of the guy who did my tattoo on my back.  Another guy that was recommended to me and who does the most awesome work got very cross with me when I said I didn’t like the design he did for me and wasn’t keen on getting it etched into my skin permanently,  he also wasn’t willing to work with me to design something that I actually liked, so that didn’t work out unfortunately I was very keen on getting some ink done by him.  I have someone else in mind so I hope it works out with her.  I really NEED to get another tattoo and quick!

Have a smashing day lovelies ♥

The only way out is through

>My husband and I had a great heart to heart last night.  Really it was all kinds of awesome.  We are learning to communicate better.  Especially me as I tend to internalise everything and brood.  It’s so easy when things are not going so well to fantasize of an easy way out, greener pastures and a life that doesn’t include the issues you are experiencing.  It is even easier to get caught up in the fantasy and become resentful of the life you have, and desire a fictual life you created in your head.

The reality is that the only way to overcome difficult circumstances is to go through it.  You can’t learn the same things about yourself outside a relationship that you can in a relationship.  And if the going gets tough and you get going you will just take those same issues with you to the next relationship.  So I’m glad that I am sticking around, my husband really is proving to be my biggest teacher (even if I do want to strangle him sometimes!). 

When I get hurt as we do in life my natural reflex is to retreat and to shut down emotionally.  I am slowly putting my feelers out and coming out my shell.  One can’t LIVE if you don’t FEEL.  And it is unrealistic to think I will never be hurt again but I can learn to stand strong, I can learn to be hurt, work through it and continue with living life.  I can learn not to shut myself down emotionally to such an extent that I don’t feel and subsequently believe that no-one feels for me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world.” ~ Marianne Williamson

 The best thing I can do for me is to shine my light as brightly as possible.  I wish the same for you ♥

Bits of this and bobs of that

>1.  I had THE funnest night last night at the soccer game.  Soccer City is amazing at night!  And the vibe is totally different from in the day for some reason.  We wore lots of clothes drank lots of Buds (Budweiser the official Beer of the Fifa World Cup 2010) and weren’t cold AT ALL.

The one thing that I did love the most was all the random conversations we had with random people in the crowd, it was WAY cool.  I’m going to miss it when the World Cup is over.  And how weird/cool is this?  We sat next to the same couple that we sat next to at the Netherlands game.  Cool hey! We got home really really late but it’s all good, I’m on a high!

2.  You know.  It’s great to have a husband that adores me and thinks I’m the hottest thing on the planet, but sometimes I just want to be able to brush my teeth without being groped…

3.  Yesterday one of my friends on Facebook asked “What song always makes you happy” I still don’t have one single song that I can think of.  I LOVE music.  Like really.  And I love all kinds of music, I don’t restrict myself to genre.  If I hear it and I like it then I like it regardless of artist/genre.  Unknown fact:  I wrote and recorded a song that was played on 5FM many moons ago   I have always wanted to be a singer.

I go through phases in what I listen to – 2 weeks ago I was hooked (again) on Blink 182.  Their self Titled album “Blink 182″ is my all time favourite I LOVE all the songs on there.  This week however I am going back in time and am listening to James one of my all time favourite bands, I had the privilege of seeing them live and man they are awesome!!!  I’m going to share the song that has captured me this week, it’s called “Waltzing Along” and is from their album “Laid” I think

Help comes when you need it most
I’m cured by laughter
Mood swings
Not sure I can cope
My life’s in plaster

May your mind set you free (a feeling by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you see through all disasters
May your heart lead you on

These wounds are all self imposed
Life’s no disaster
All roads lead on to death row
Who knows what’s after

May your mind be wide open
May your heart beat strong
Maybe your minds will be broken
By this heartfelt song
May your mind set you free (a feeling by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you be
May your heart lead you on
May your eyes let you see through all disasters
May your heart lead you on
May your mind be wide open
May your heart lead you on

lead you on
set you free

Awesome!!!  Let me know what your happy songs are in the comments ok?!

4.  I really can’t wait for Laura to make a blog post/s as per my suggestions (no pressure Laura )

5. I miss my kids, but am having a ball