I’m ‘that’ mother

So as some of you may know, I have moved to Cape Town.  On the surface it may seem awesome, and it is.  It’s been a dream of mine to live here for a long time.  But, getting me here took some detours that I would never have imagined.  Earlier this year, I lost my job.  I took it in my stride and thought “no problem, I will just find another job” and that would be that.  But the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months and I had not found anything.  My biggest concern was how was I going to look after my children.  How am I going to feed them, clothe them, get them to school.  I did not want them in a situation where we all had to live in a bachelors pad somewhere worrying how I am going to feed them and which bills not to pay.  So I put my pride in my pocket and made the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life.  I went to speak to their father, and together we decided that the kids are to go and live with them.

The emotional repercussions of this decision haunt me daily.  I feel like a terrible mother, I feel like I abandoned them.  Even though logic dictates otherwise.  As their mother, I want them with me, but as the person who is responsible for their welfare, I had to make sure that they are taken care of well.  And that is what I did.  I am making sure they are taken care of.  That they don’t have to worry with me about money and grown up stuff.  Some has judged me as a horrible human being for doing this.  People in glass houses you know.  But most people understood and was supportive.  I have to work really hard to keep my head in a space where I don’t cry all day long and feel like a shit human being.

In making this decision, I am now able to focus on getting a career on track, study, and work hard and make sure that I can put myself in a position where I can lay down a solid foundation for my future as well as theirs.  Moving to Cape Town is part of that vision.  I had a long debate with myself about putting this out there.  I wanted to protect myself from further judgement and emotional strain.   Because to some people it seems crazy that I would do such a thing as “leave” my children.  To some people that automatically makes me a bad mother/person.  And that’s fine, people are going to think what they are going to think.  There are those who care to listen and not jump to conclusions and are able to look beyond their perfect little worlds and imagine what it is that I went through.  It is by no means easy.  I miss them every day.  The great thing about my kids though is that there is no doubt in their minds as to how much I love them, that I am there for them.  Their father, their stepmom and I are working together really well to make this easier for them and for me.  And they are coping really well.

So, that’s my story.  Y’all can go ahead and judge now, or not.

The infinite sadness

My heart is broken.  When I look at the world and my life how can it not be.  We as humans are so destructive, intent, or maybe just oblivious, to the hurt and destruction we cause to each other, creatures and the planet.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to not feel sad.  I’m exhausted by it, my underlying sadness seems to rob me of little joys.  We are all a little broken aren’t we.  I promised myself that I will no longer live my life behind a wall.  That I will be consciously vulnerable and open to life and love.  To learn from everything that comes my way, good and bad, happy or sad.  I’d like to think that I do.

I think maybe my sadness helps to keep me compassionate, helps to soften my cynicism.  Maybe it’s teaching me how to smile and laugh and actively look for the good in situations and people.  Maybe the sadness is necessary, so that I don’t become hardened to life.  In spite of me wishing I could be harder and not so easily hurt sometimes.  It’s teaching me courage.  To carry on even when I’m fearful, to get up, breathe and look life square in the face, hold my head high and do what needs to be done.  To choose happiness when I feel alone and defeated.  Ultimately it’s a choice isn’t it.  That is what sadness teaches me.

Life carries on, people come and go, things happen and don’t happen and if anything could be different it would be.  I get to choose what I take from it.  And since I’m here and living, I may as well choose happy even when I feel like sobbing for days.  The action we take is what matters in the end, not the tears we cried or the thoughts and fears we hold dear.  Maybe I will always feel sad.  Maybe that’s just how I am.  Either way, I accept it.  And I choose different.

The scenic route

The other day I had to drive out to Harties.  Instead of my normal route I thought “what the hell” and took the extended scenic route.  It took me twice as long to get there but it sure was pretty.  Driving along with the beautiful highveld scenery around me, everything is so green and you have hills and wide open spaces, horses and cattle grazing in the veld, I came to the conclusion that my life is an analogy for the scenic route.  The road less traveled.  That is what I chose.  I rarely take the safe route or the easy option.

On the scenic route you will find a bad road, potholes and it’s not smoothly tarred.  You have to be careful when you drive along and keep an eye out for cattle and other animals that cross the road.  But when you sit back and enjoy the ride and take in the beautiful scenery around you, roll down your windows, maybe play some really good driving music it’s totally worth it.  You might even find some places you never knew about.

I am taking a little longer to get where I want to be and even though some days is a battle and sometimes I get stuck in potholes it’s also beautiful.  I’m finding people and places and things I never would know about, I’m learning so much about myself and what I am capable of.  And isn’t that what makes life and the “struggle” of it worthwhile in the end?  Those beautiful moments you have with the people you love.

Happy birthday son

Today we celebrate the 6th birth day of  my little boy.  It’s amazing to think that my baby child is turning 6!  I wonder if it’s a 2nd child thing but I still think of him as so little.  This boy takes crap from no-one, even from me.  He tells a thing exactly like it is and often calls me out.  For instance my smoking “if it’s bad for you why do you do it then Mommy”.  But (like me) he is a super sensitive human.  He feels.  He has empathy and compassion and isn’t afraid of anything.  He is a boisterous, busy sometimes typical boy.  But just as hard as he tries to wrestle me and his sister and plays with his cars and jumps off things and swooshes around the house in a cape, he plays Barbie with his sister and lets her dress him up in a dress and wig and totally rocks a tea party.

He is a sweet and lovable and has always been my little cuddler.  I try to nurture that in him.  One day when he grows up, he says, he is going to be a traveller, he is going to every country in the world and plant trees.  He came up with that all by himself, I find that amazing.  At his tender young age of 6, he has no interest in grinding it away in an office when there is so much wonder in the world to be discovered.   That especially I nurture in him.

He can be a total little shit, but hey, who isn’t sometimes.  This little guy is an awesome little dude.

I love you my boy.

The game

“We have to create culture. Don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you’re worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you’re giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told ‘no’, we’re unimportant, we’re peripheral. ‘Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.’ And then you’re a player. You don’t want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that’s being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.” ~ Terrence McKenna

Something, it’s better than nothing.

I have always thought of my blog as my space.  Well not MySpace *listens to crickets* shame.  But a space where I could share my views, opinions, little bits of my life, what my kids get up to.  As of late, actually a lot longer than that, I just find it a whole lot less important to do that.  For various reasons.  I have become increasingly protective of my private life, and it’s a little hard to blog about my life if I have to censor most of it to protect my privacy.  So I’m down to my views and opinions, and frankly, I’m kinda done giving people my views and opinions.  I always believed or thought that through sharing my experiences and how I cope and deal with what I go through maybe someone out there in the world would feel less alone, maybe someone out there would feel better or…something.   I always say “be the change” or that if you want to change the world start with yourself.  Maybe I could get that message out there.  Maybe if I could show people that I do that, they would be inspired to start doing that.  I dunno.  Maybe it’s a bit arrogant to think that.

In the past year I have started living my life a lot more my way, saying exactly what I think instead of sugar coating and considering everyone’s feelings.  I don’t feel the need to explain myself, why I do the things I do, why I think the way I think.  I am just over it.  I am tired.  I can only please one person at a time and right now, that’s me.  It’s been a tough year emotionally and financially.  I have had to let go of a lot of ‘things’ that I love.  My whole life plan came to a grinding halt.  It feels like I made a complete 180 degree turn.  I have no idea where I’m going next, where I’m headed, I’m treading water.  I guess, it all ties in with learning to “let go and go with the flow”.  I’m learning to do that.  I’m better at doing that.

I have learned that even when it feels like I can’t go on anymore, I always find the strength to get up again in the morning and do what needs doing.  I have learned that I can.  Things always get better and even when I don’t get over them, I learn to live with it.  I cope, I adapt and adjust.  I can do that.  Even though I am really sensitive I am also one tough cookie.  I have learned that it’s okay to be completely and utterly contradictory.  Well, it’s okay for me.  I am good with that.

All I can do now is keep on keepin’ on.  Re-assess, re-think, put what I want on the back burner a bit, suss things out to see what happens.  Something is bound to come up.  Strategise and come up with a adjusted plan.  It’s all I can do.  And I will.  Even though I bitch and moan a lot about stuff sometimes, I do what I need to do, because that’s all I can do.  And doing something, is better than doing nothing.   As for my blog, when and if I have something to say, I’ll say it.

Refuse to sink

Today I set off on a new journey.  A little detour as I like to call it.  Who knows, maybe I’ll find a stack of hidden treasures on this route.  I am not entirely approving of this detour.  But sometimes life has a way to force us into new things when we are stuck or can’t see the plan and it doesn’t make sense right away but eventually it always does.  Without fail.  I have whined and bitched and moaned about this.  I felt sad and a little lost.  But, with that kind of attitude nothing is ever fun.  So I shall embrace the detour.  I shall look for the treasures.  And Universe, I await the reveal of the plan with eager anticipation.  This will be good.  This year has had times of really stormy seas and I’m a bit bruised around the edges, a little more protective of my heart and my personal space.  But this year has also been full of love and friendship and awesomeness.  That’s life right.  And I’m still here.  A little wiser, maybe a little more full of shit, but that’s also my prerogative.  I live my life a lot more the way I want and that is always good.  Arrivederci treasured harbour, lifting anchors and setting sail to explore new horizons.  ”Ships are safe in the harbour, but that’s not what they are made for”

Love

“Love, for me, was always a shapeless awe that lived somewhere else, coming down to search through my heart while I was absent. It still does this. Love places inside me traces of its visits, along with its secret devices to track the intensity of my sadness so it can hurt me most when I least need to be hurt. And each time, before it unshapes itself again, it is sure to upset the order of feelings whose positions I had dared to think of as settled, firm, and safe…” ~ Nils Frahm

Torn

I follow someone on Tumblr who’s blog is called For Love or Nothing.  I really loved this.

Roll on holidays.

There is nothing at this point I am looking forward to more than when I go on leave.  I am so caught up in my circumstances at the moment that I can’t see the wood for the trees.  So the break is much anticipated.  I need a break.

Besides all the crap going on I feel bad because all I seem to do is whine and I feel like I am an emotional burden to the ones I go to for moral support.  And in turn that makes me fearful that they will get annoyed with me and leave and I won’t be able to deal with that.  And then I realize how caught up I am in myself for even thinking stuff like that.  I can’t think so negatively right now.  Because it’s taking all my energy to keep going.  My thoughts are left unattended.  But I’m managing it.

I am fine.  Everything will be fine.  Roll on leave time.  It’s going to be awesome.